The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

Why isn't Sun-tanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

 

Why did they send the Olympic judge out in search of the lost wedding ring?

Because he was a medal detector.

 

Why were the Canadian athletes upset?

Because everyone kept thinking they were from the U.S.

 

Where does the track team keep its medals?

In the pole vault.

 

Why was the race walker disqualified?

Because her nose was running.

 

What's a horse's favorite event?

The mare-athon.

 

Why is the track team so talkative?

Because they're always discus-ing.

[RJS1977]

Saw a bloke carrying a long piece of wood into the athletics arena.

I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied, "No, I'm Hungarian - but how did you know my name was Volta?"

[Jamiel]

Foreplay in Yorkshire.
 

'Brace thi' sen' lass'.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Jamiel

[peanuts]

Just last night I ordered a thin and crispy supreme from Dominoes

...they sent me Diana Ross.

[cromptonnut]

Foreplay in Yorkshire.

 

'Brace thi' sen' lass'.

Replace "lass" for "Sheila" to get the Australian version.

[peanuts]

instrutions for removing a wasps nest

 

Get a box that's slightly bigger than the nest.

 

Pop it under the nest with the flaps open 

 

Smack the top of the nest so it breaks away and falls in the box

 

Quickly close the box and seal with tape

 

Address the box to 'Piers Morgan c/o Daily Mail, London' and write 'shake well before opening' in big letters on the top.

[AndrewC]

instrutions for removing a wasps nest

 

Get a box that's slightly bigger than the nest.

 

Pop it under the nest with the flaps open 

 

Smack the top of the nest so it breaks away and falls in the box

 

Quickly close the box and seal with tape

 

Address the box to 'Piers Morgan c/o Daily Mail, London' and write 'shake well before opening' in big letters on the top.

Other nasty douchebag "journalists" are available. (see also Katie Hopkins)

[luckymucklebackit]

instrutions for removing a wasps nest

 

Get a box that's slightly bigger than the nest.

 

Pop it under the nest with the flaps open 

 

Smack the top of the nest so it breaks away and falls in the box

 

Quickly close the box and seal with tape

 

Address the box to 'Piers Morgan c/o Daily Mail, London' and write 'shake well before opening' in big letters on the top.

 

Does that constitute a sting?

[luckymucklebackit]

Hillary Clinton decided to send a letter to Donald Trump to let him know what she thought of him.

Donald opened the letter and found a coded single line.

370H55V 0773H

He couldn't work it out so he called his wife and kids but they didn't have a clue. So they tried the FBI.
They couldn't help, neither could the CIA or NASA. So they sent it to Britain and MI5. for help.

Within minutes they E-mailed the reply,
 

 

 

 

 

"Tell Mr.Trump he's holding the letter upside down"

[peanuts]

my neighbours electric car was stolen last night he reported it strait away 

 

cid have contacted him to say they are following a lead 

[andytrains]

Uniform are also looking into the theft of an hole.

(Or has it just been filled in?).

 

 

He was apparently not amused.

 

Belly Laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

[peanuts]

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla!

[peanuts]

American civil war archaeologists recently found a building with tin roof dating back to 1800's with the remains of a dead cavalry horse. the holes in the roof had been filled in with what looks like chocolate.

 

they were that exited, they made a song about it.. "huts, old naval huts....cavalry takes em and they cover them in chocolate "

[Rugd1022]

 

 

 

[cromptonnut]

I have received a text message telling me I have won a prize, either £250 or a backstage pass to an Elvis tribute act.

 

I just have to reply - 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

[Sidecar Racer]

A new seniors complex opened in town .

 

On the first day at the new seniors complex , the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

 

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

 

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

He continued,

 

“Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

 

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

 

Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, one of the older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

 

 

"How much for a season pass?”

[kevinlms]

Subject: Voted best Australian joke

 

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you.

Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her.

So…we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says,

'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[BoD]

That's in awfully bad taste.

It's terrible.

 

I haven't laughed so much for a long time.

[luckymucklebackit]

From the BBC Website, the top 15 funniest jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

[steve1]

A friend told me "It could be worse, you could be stuck down a hole full of water". I know he means well...

 

steve

[Ian Smeeton]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You just happened to catch my eye!

 

 

 

 

Old ones are the best.

 

Regards

 

Ian

[jcm@gwr]

_{No doubt she has promised that next time she goes to eat there,}

_.

_.

_.

_.

_{she'll keep an eye out for him!}

[Jamiel]

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.

 

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

 

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

 

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

 

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

 

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

 

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains

 

"Nobody would fit in that little frame".

 

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

 

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

 

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

 

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."

 

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

 

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

 

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

 

"I will never use this bar again."

 

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

Edited August 29, 2016 by Jamiel

[RJS1977]

Reminds me of the days when certain railways weren't allowed to carry fare-paying passengers, so they charged for carrying hats and coats!

[Colin_McLeod]

Reminds me of the days when certain railways weren't allowed to carry fare-paying passengers, so they charged for carrying hats and coats!

Revenue from summer excursions must have been disappointing.