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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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NorthBrit

NorthBrit

Posted
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I used to drive an Austin Montego 2 litre.. (Remember them?) Boy could it go. :sungum:

 

One day whilst driving down the road a Porsche was behind me. :boast:

 

No way was he able to pass me.  :nono:

 

 

 

 

Mind'st you I was in some roadworks at the time. 

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bluebottle

bluebottle

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I used to drive an Austin Montego 2 litre.. (Remember them?) Boy could it go. :sungum:

One day whilst driving down the road a Porsche was behind me. :boast:

No way was he able to pass me.  :nono:

Mind'st you I was in some roadworks at the time. 

 

I don't drive, but I could run when my legs were a bit younger.

Many's the time I passed Seb Coe when we were running along Fulwood road.

Mind you, I couldn't manage it when we were both running in the same direction.  

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Mike Storey

Mike Storey

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Posted (edited)

I used to drive an Austin Montego 2 litre.. (Remember them?) Boy could it go. :sungum:

 

One day whilst driving down the road a Porsche was behind me. :boast:

 

No way was he able to pass me.  :nono:

 

 

 

 

Mind'st you I was in some roadworks at the time. 

 

I had a Maestro of similar vintage and it went a lot faster when you emptied the ashtray.

 

They had very big ash trays in those days.

 

 

 

Note for Young Folk - "ash trays" were common items in cars, vans, taxis and buses prior to a certain vintage. They were primarily for sweet papers, discarded blue bags from packets of crisps, half-sucked polo mints, the odd parking ticket and many other useful items, except old copies of the Sun (or the Sketch) which would not always fit. The origin of their name is lost in antiquity, but you must remember to model them in any detailing exercise for the transition and BR blue periods at least. No need prior to that, as one's chauffeur would empty them on a regular basis. Incidentally, anyone trying to associate them in connection with cigarette smoking should be ignored - butts were always ejected via the window, as they took up too much useful space.

Edited by Mike Storey
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Compound2632

Compound2632

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I had a Maestro of similar vintage and it went a lot faster when you emptied the ashtray.

 

They had very big ash trays in those days.

 

 

 

Note for Young Folk - "ash trays" were common items in cars, vans, taxis and buses prior to a certain vintage. They were primarily for sweet papers, discarded blue bags from packets of crisps, half-sucked polo mints, the odd parking ticket and many other useful items, except old copies of the Sun (or the Sketch) which would not always fit. The origin of their name is lost in antiquity, but you must remember to model them in any detailing exercise for the transition and BR blue periods at least. No need prior to that, as one's chauffeur would empty them on a regular basis. Incidentally, anyone trying to associate them in connection with cigarette smoking should be ignored - butts were always ejected via the window, as they took up too much useful space.

 

The non-smoking half of a Mark 2 carriage c. 1986 was certainly a joke - separated from the smoking half by a feeble attempt at a partition.

 

At least in those days one could choose where one sat and get a table to oneself, most of the time.

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BobM

BobM

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Mike was so so pease to leave the car dealership for his cherished ambition to work the local Safari Park, mind you the dealership was glad to see him depart as bad luck always seemed to follow him around....!

 

Mike's first morning saw him given the task of cleaning the fish pond containing the world's finest collection of Koi Carp.....the ranger saying that he should take care as they were easily 'spooked' and could die if scared...,,,Mike waded into the pool to to clear weed and waste away....but was then horrified as fish began to 'turn their fins up' and float lifelessly on the surface.....

Worried that he would get the sack on his first day for killing the prize fish, he scooped them up and decided to feed them to the lions immediately to hide the evidence hoping no one would notice his misfortune....?

 

Next day the ranger said they wanted him to attend to the Monkey House as it was mucky....so again he went straight in and spooked the Monkeys so much that some of these too fell down dead.....once more he had the thought that the lions would welcome the meat so fed these too to them to hide further evidence.......?

 

On his third day,....the ranger gave Mike all the necessary protection gear and smoke machine for him to remove the honey from the beehives safely.....but once again misfortune struck when he completely destroyed the hives as he knocked one over and they all went 'domino-like' into a complete pulped mess of bees and honey.......! Again to hide the mess the lions were fed the lot......!

 

The next day.....a new lion arrived into the enclosure and introduced himself to the remaining pride in the Safari Park.....asking one of the lionesses what the place was like to live in...she said......

 

'Okay I suppose...?

'Only okay....?

'Aye...it's clean enough and everyone's happy save for the food here....'

'How so'....?

 

'Well all they seem to serve up is........'Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees' !

Edited by BobM
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Coryton

Coryton

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The non-smoking half of a Mark 2 carriage c. 1986 was certainly a joke - separated from the smoking half by a feeble attempt at a partition.

 

At least in those days one could choose where one sat and get a table to oneself, most of the time.

 

Making each carriage half smoking and half non-smoking is the logical way to ensure trains always have the same ratio of the two types of accommodation. So long as you don't mind the choices being between active and passive smoking.

 

I think at one point they did try to make things better by making the few seats near the partition non-smoking in the smoking end.

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wollastonblue

wollastonblue

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Baby Polar Bear walks up to his mom as says "Mom, am I really a Polar Bear?"

"Of course you are." Mommy Polar Bear replies.

"Are you sure I'm not a Grizzly bear or a Brown Bear?"

"Of course you're a Polar Bear son, now go an see your dad."

 

Off baby Polar Bear goes to find his dad. "Dad, am I really a Polar Bear?" asks Baby Polar Bear.

"Of course you are son." Daddy Polar Bear replies.

"Are you sure I'm not a Black Bear or a Honey Bear?"

"You're definitely a Polar Bear son. Why are you asking?" 

 

"'Cus I bloody freezing!"

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AndyB

AndyB

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Baby Polar Bear walks up to his mom as says "Mom, am I really a Polar Bear?"

"Of course you are." Mommy Polar Bear replies.

"Are you sure I'm not a Grizzly bear or a Brown Bear?"

"Of course you're a Polar Bear son, now go an see your dad."

 

Off baby Polar Bear goes to find his dad. "Dad, am I really a Polar Bear?" asks Baby Polar Bear.

"Of course you are son." Daddy Polar Bear replies.

"Are you sure I'm not a Black Bear or a Honey Bear?"

"You're definitely a Polar Bear son. Why are you asking?" 

 

"'Cus I bloody freezing!"

 

As both parents had told him what he was, did that make him bi-Polar? 

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RJS1977

RJS1977

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I have just arrived home after a visit to the zoo.

 

We saw some Meercats, but were very disappointed.

 

 

 

 

 

They know XXXX all about car insurance.

 

If I remember the original adverts correctly, Sergei was frustrated that people kept going to his website "Compare the meerkat" looking for cheap car insurance, when they should have gone to "Compare the market". Simples!

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allan downes

allan downes

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Posted

A guy touring Ireland  breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

 

As he lifts his car bonnet to try and find out what's wrong a voice from behind tells him it's a loose distributor cap which was right but when he turned to check out who said it, all there was, was a black horse staring at him gormelessly over the hedge.

 

A few miles further down the road he pulls into a pub where he tells the landlord of his strange experience.-

 

"Ah " says the landlord as he explained " You got lucky there Zir cos there's also a white horse in dat field that knows fxxk all about cars "

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Stubby47

Stubby47

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"Mummy" said the baby camel "why do I have long eyelashes?"

"That's to keep the sand out of your eyes when you're crossing the desert."

"And why do I have a hump on my back?"

"That's to provide you with water when you're crossing the desert."

"And why do I have big feet?"

That's to stop your feet sinking into the sand when you're crossing the desert."

"So I have long eye lashes, a big hump and big feet for when I'm crossing the desert."

"Yes."

"So why am I in a frickin' zoo?"

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Enterprisingwestern

Enterprisingwestern

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"Mummy" said the baby camel "why do I have long eyelashes?"

"That's to keep the sand out of your eyes when you're crossing the desert."

"And why do I have a hump on my back?"

"That's to provide you with water when you're crossing the desert."

"And why do I have big feet?"

That's to stop your feet sinking into the sand when you're crossing the desert."

"So I have long eye lashes, a big hump and big feet for when I'm crossing the desert."

"Yes."

"So why am I in a frickin' zoo?"

 

There's a similar Jim Davidson joke, which I couldn't possibly quote, referring to a child of Caribbean extraction living in London.

 

Mike.

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Jamiel

Jamiel

Posted
Posted (edited)

A couple of very vintage Star Trek jokes, very vintage, very bad.

 

Q. How many captains' did the original starship Enterprise have?

A. Two. Captain Kirk and Captain Slog (he always did the voice over after the ad breaks)

 

Q. How many ears does Spok have?

A. Three, his left ear, his right ear and his final front ear.

 

Edited by Jamiel
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newbryford

newbryford

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I used to hear some terrible jokes from tenth rate "folk singers" in Edinburgh pubs in the 70s.

 

e.g: 

Why don't worms have balls? 

'cause they cannae dance!

 

Dear oh dear!

 

I'll try not to remember any more...

 

Why are fireman's balls bigger than policeman's balls?

 

 

 

Because they sell more tickets..

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

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