The Forum Jokes Thread

[Compound2632]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Here’s how the Bursar of St John’s College Oxford responded to a student demand that the college “declares a climate emergency and immediately divests from fossil fuels”.

One of the students wrote back and said he would present the proposal but he didn’t think Parker was being appropriately serious. Professor Parker responded to that note saying,

 

The best part of the story is the response from the organiser of the protest:
 

 

You see, when these "woke folk" demand change, it's you that has to change, not them.

 

What do we want?

A protest.

 

When do we want it?

Err, when it's warmer.

Refs:
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/professor-at-st-johns-college-oxford-turns-oil-row-into-a-heated-debate-0zr2wpmb5
and
https://hotair.com/archives/john-s-2/2020/01/31/students-demanded-disinvestment-fossil-fuels-professor-offered-turn-off-heat/

 

 

The entire student accommodation at St Johns could be heated by a hot air circulatory system driven by the output of the Senior, Middle, and Junior Common Rooms. 

 

In my day the women's colleges were not yet co-ed and consequently too poor to afford heating; at at least one the women were reputed to keep warm at night with the assistance of members of other colleges.

[Chris116]

13 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

The entire student accommodation at St Johns could be heated by a hot air circulatory system driven by the output of the Senior, Middle, and Junior Common Rooms. 

 

In my day the women's colleges were not yet co-ed and consequently too poor to afford heating; at at least one the women were reputed to keep warm at night with the assistance of members of other colleges.

They would probably want you put on the Sexual Offenders list for even suggesting such a thing!

[Gibbo675]

20 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

The entire student accommodation at St Johns could be heated by a hot air circulatory system driven by the output of the Senior, Middle, and Junior Common Rooms. 

 

In my day the women's colleges were not yet co-ed and consequently too poor to afford heating; at at least one the women were reputed to keep warm at night with the assistance of members of other colleges.

Hi Stephen,

 

How did you find that out ?

 

Were you in the wrong queue for the chip shop !

 

Gibbo.

[Compound2632]

17 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Stephen,

 

How did you find that out ?

 

Were you in the wrong queue for the chip shop !

 

Gibbo.

 

I was told by a friend at the college in question of the outcome of an emergency evacuation in the small hours on a (fortunately false) fire alarm. There were twice as many evacuees as beds; my friend was one of the small but not insignificant number who had not had a man in her bed.

[Gibbo675]

6 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

I was told by a friend at the college in question of the outcome of an emergency evacuation in the small hours on a (fortunately false) fire alarm. There were twice as many evacuees as beds; my friend was one of the small but not insignificant number who had not had a man in her bed.

Hi Stephen,

 

An interesting answer for looking at the mathematics of the situation, if there were indeed twice as many evacuees as beds and should your friend not have had a man in her bed then at least one lucky lass may have had two men in her bed. Interesting.

 

Gibbo.

[Chris116]

About six months after I started at NatWest Bank in the early 1970s we had a week training course. The first day it was made very clear that any males found on the female bedroom wing would no longer have a job with the Bank! A number of the girls thought this was very funny as nothing was said about them being in the male bedroom wing and I know at least two of them enjoyed a lovely week but sadly not with me.

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Compound2632 said:

 

I was told by a friend at the college in question of the outcome of an emergency evacuation in the small hours on a (fortunately false) fire alarm. There were twice as many evacuees as beds; my friend was one of the small but not insignificant number who had not had a man in her bed.

 

52 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Stephen,

 

An interesting answer for looking at the mathematics of the situation, if there were indeed twice as many evacuees as beds and should your friend not have had a man in her bed then at least one lucky lass may have had two men in her bed. Interesting.

 

Gibbo.

She could have had another female in her bed? 

[Compound2632]

53 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Stephen,

 

An interesting answer for looking at the mathematics of the situation, if there were indeed twice as many evacuees as beds and should your friend not have had a man in her bed then at least one lucky lass may have had two men in her bed. Interesting.

 

Gibbo.

 

No, that wasn't the situation. Keep mulling it over.

[Gibbo675]

1 minute ago, Compound2632 said:

 

No, that wasn't the situation. Keep mulling it over.

Hi Stephen,

 

I think it best, if only for the virtue of your friend, that I leave it there !

 

Gibbo. 

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Compound2632 said:

 

I was told by a friend at the college in question of the outcome of an emergency evacuation in the small hours on a (fortunately false) fire alarm. There were twice as many evacuees as beds; my friend was one of the small but not insignificant number who had not had a man in her bed.

She had a woman in her bed?

[Ramblin Rich]

Working at the old Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham in the 90s, the fire brigade were reputed to respond far faster when the alarm sounded in the nurses' quarters than in the main hospital!

[Colin_McLeod]

21 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

 

She could have had another female in her bed? 

 

To keep the numbers right she would have needed two women in her bed (or a man and a woman)

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Colin_McLeod said:

 

To keep the numbers right she would have needed two women in her bed (or a man and a woman)

To keep the numbers right there would have to be two persons per bed. So if she didn't have a man in her bed it must have been a woman.

[chris p bacon]

10 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

To keep the numbers right there would have to be two persons per bed. So if she didn't have a man in her bed it must have been a woman.

 

If there's a god there'll be a video....

[Gibbo675]

2 hours ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Stephen,

 

I think it best, if only for the virtue of your friend, that I leave it there !

 

Gibbo. 

 

8 minutes ago, chris p bacon said:

 

If there's a god there'll be a video....

 

How Rude !!!

 

See above.

 

( That said if there is any footage it may well be Super-8 film. )

[PhilJ W]

9 minutes ago, chris p bacon said:

 

If there's a god there'll be a video....

Naughty...

[peanuts]

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

[chris p bacon]

2 hours ago, Gibbo675 said:

 

 

How Rude !!!

 

2 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

Naughty...

 

The last time I looked this was the jokes thread 

[DavidB-AU]

The Royal Mint will release a special a 50p coin commemorating Brexit. It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border.

[Oldddudders]

Following the outstanding success of my last joke - getting at least 10 groans counts as a bullseye! - I have a follow-up. This one is at the smuttier end of the spectrum, so move on if you are easily offended. 

 

A little boy, not much more than a toddler, has noticed that mummy is a very different shape from daddy. So one day he asks daddy why that might be. 

 

"Daddy, what are those big things on mummy's chest?"

 

Daddy is a mite flummoxed about how to respond to one so small, but he plunges in:

 

"Those are mummy's balloons. When mummy gets very old and dies, her balloons will inflate, and she'll float up to heaven to be with God." Good story, eh?

 

Naturally the little boy swallows daddy's explanation without question, and all is well. Until a few weeks later, on a Sunday morning daddy is right down the bottom of the garden, digging away in the vegetable patch (as yer do), when the little boy comes running down the path.

 

"Daddy, daddy! I think mummy's dying!"

 

"Why do you think that, son?"

 

"Well, the milkman's blowing up her balloons - and she's saying 'Oh, God - I'm coming!'"

[2750Papyrus]

[luckymucklebackit]

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.
“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up.

 

 

Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed. No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”.

 

 

Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.”

 

 

“Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.”

 

Jim

[Enterprisingwestern]

28 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said:

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.
“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up.

 

 

Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed. No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”.

 

 

Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.”

 

 

“Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.”

 

Jim

 

Worryingly apposite.

 

Mike.

[petethemole]

The real joke(?) is that you'd be done for wastin police time.

[great central]

Without wanting to spoil the thread I had something very similar years ago.

Had several youths with air rifles on the land behind us. Reported to police, no one available I was told, until I said I was going to see them off armed with a baseball bat!