The Forum Jokes Thread

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[Hroth]

2 hours ago, Stanley Melrose said:

Going back many years I recall finding a copy of the Examiners' Report on the previous year's A level examinations in an office that I probably shouldn't have been in.  I got to the report on that year's History examination and found that one examiner was enthralled by the exploits of the gallant Sir Bastepol during the Crimean War as related by one examinee.

 

I recall hearing the Biology teachers at my school amusing themselves with the Examiners' Report for O level Biology.  One of the answers quoted, that has stuck in my mind ever since, is that "A Hydra swims by waving its testicles"...

 

Painful!!!

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydra_(genus)

 

 

Edited August 7, 2020 by Hroth
Hydras!!!

[The Johnster]

Much better than the proper answer!

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, dogbox321 said:

 

P.S.  If Covid-19 is being managed so well - why is it unsafe to hold an election?

Because the post man, is going to fill out/change the voting papers?

[dogbox321]

6 hours ago, kevinlms said:

Because the post man, is going to fill out/change the voting papers?

 

As long as he's not a Russian, is that a problem?  

 

 

[Baby Deltic]

[jcm@gwr]

1 hour ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

And that is why some Americans shouldn't be allowed to vote, let alone carry guns!

[kevinlms]

24 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said:

 

And that is why some Americans shouldn't be allowed to vote, let alone carry guns!

Perhaps he was one of the accidental gun deaths? There was 495 in 2016.

Most countries would be appalled of that number as a total, not just accidental.

[Steamport Southport]

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, kevinlms said:

Perhaps he was one of the accidental gun deaths? There was 495 in 2016.

Most countries would be appalled of that number as a total, not just accidental.

 

Around 14,000 shot...........   dead, by other civilians every year!  {US Gov figures}  Thousands of others shot, but not killed.

 

Apparently many civilians carry because they reason that they might have protect people from the criminals that might shoot people - a strategy which numbers around 200 times, each year.  Their logic for a trade off beggars description.  One other bit of logic for carrying, revolves around being needed to defend their States.....   Quite why these, untrained, brave people, with no organisation, would be needed in such a hurry, they must carry at all times, is not explained.  One might consider that this could be so as to be able to respond immediately, as the US military and National Guard will be unable to cope, with a threat to their State, in time.  Perhaps these massive military organisations might have an opinion on the idea that local civilian militia might be needed to boost their ability to operate.

 

In the meanwhile many more thousands of families will get to mourn their relatives, who get killed on the strength of such witless ideas and simple outbursts of temper.

 

Julian

 

Edited August 8, 2020 by jcredfer
Add source

[Alex TM]

Hi folks,

 

Sadly, reality of the previous few posts doesn't just impact on our American friends.  An acquaintance of ours has US family through marriage.  A couple of weeks ago one of the Americans was beaten, and then shot dead.  He was not a criminal; he was not armed; he was murdered for simply wearing the 'wrong' colour of sweater!

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[Talltim]

41 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

 

Around 14,000 shot...........   dead, by other civilians every year!  {US Gov figures}  Thousands of others shot, but not killed.

 

Apparently many civilians carry because they reason that they might have protect people from the criminals that might shoot people - a strategy which numbers around 200 times, each year.  Their logic for a trade off beggars description.  One other bit of logic for carrying, revolves around being needed to defend their States.....   Quite why these, untrained, brave people, with no organisation, would be needed in such a hurry, they must carry at all times, is not explained.  One might consider that this could be so as to be able to respond immediately, as the US military and National Guard will be unable to cope, with a threat to their State, in time.  Perhaps these massive military organisations might have an opinion on the idea that local civilian militia might be needed to boost their ability to operate.

 

In the meanwhile many more thousands of families will get to mourn their relatives, who get killed on the strength of such witless ideas and simple outbursts of temper.

 

Julian

 

Think you are missing the point of the ‘well trained militia’ They aren’t to defend the country, they are to defend the individual states and the people from their own federal government.

That’s the theory. The practice is another matter.

[Compound2632]

The whole thing is well beyond a joke.

[kevinlms]

1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

 

Around 14,000 shot...........   dead, by other civilians every year!  {US Gov figures}  Thousands of others shot, but not killed.

 

Apparently many civilians carry because they reason that they might have protect people from the criminals that might shoot people - a strategy which numbers around 200 times, each year.  Their logic for a trade off beggars description.  One other bit of logic for carrying, revolves around being needed to defend their States.....   Quite why these, untrained, brave people, with no organisation, would be needed in such a hurry, they must carry at all times, is not explained.  One might consider that this could be so as to be able to respond immediately, as the US military and National Guard will be unable to cope, with a threat to their State, in time.  Perhaps these massive military organisations might have an opinion on the idea that local civilian militia might be needed to boost their ability to operate.

 

In the meanwhile many more thousands of families will get to mourn their relatives, who get killed on the strength of such witless ideas and simple outbursts of temper.

 

Julian

 

In recent times, the NRA has been trying to influence Australian federal elections on the basis of the Howard government's gun laws restricting sales/ownership of certain types of fire arms. These were introduced after the Port Arthur massacre.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port_Arthur_massacre_(Australia)

 

According to the NRA, Australians are afraid to leave their homes, because we can't defend ourselves. I'm happy to leave things as they are thank you.

OK, we can't leave our homes in Victoria at present between 8.00PM and 5.00AM, due to the curfew thanks to Covid-19. Again, I'll follow that instruction, it's in my interest.

[kevinlms]

53 minutes ago, Talltim said:

Think you are missing the point of the ‘well trained militia’ They aren’t to defend the country, they are to defend the individual states and the people from their own federal government.

That’s the theory. The practice is another matter.

The thing is that the American Civil War, was disastrous to the country and so has never been forgotten, so there is a huge mistrust of the national government, especially by the Confederate states.

 

The death toll as a percentage of the population was very high, indeed the losses of WW1 & WW2 and other wars are less by several factors of magnitude.

 

Yes, I know England also had a Civil War, but by comparison, it has been virtually forgotten.

[Tankerman]

5 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

 

It looks like there are two possible outcomes of this, he's either going to shoot himself in the foot or fall over because his shorts are around his ankles.

[Steamport Southport]

27 minutes ago, kevinlms said:

The thing is that the American Civil War, was disastrous to the country and so has never been forgotten, so there is a huge mistrust of the national government, especially by the Confederate states.

 

The death toll as a percentage of the population was very high, indeed the losses of WW1 & WW2 and other wars are less by several factors of magnitude.

 

Yes, I know England also had a Civil War, but by comparison, it has been virtually forgotten.

 

When's your next trip to Northern Ireland.....

 

 

 

Jason

[kevinlms]

2 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

 

When's your next trip to Northern Ireland.....

 

 

 

Jason

I was talking about within England. NI is an entirely different matter.

[Alex TM]

1 hour ago, kevinlms said:

England also had a Civil War

Pedant Mode On! - 'English Civil Wars' - also known as the 'wars of the three kingdoms' - note that there were several of them through the late 16th century into the 17th - Pedant Mode Off!

 

(On a lighter note, in the 1990s a friend of mine once had to work with two neighbouring villages who had not spoken kindly to each other after ending up on opposing sides in at least one of the above conflicts.)

Edited August 8, 2020 by Alex TM
Correcting careless typos!

[Ramblin Rich]

This has gone a bit dark/political for a joke thread

In an effort to get back on track, a few riffs which the family came up with around the kitchen table recently when faced with a flying ant invasion, which my daughter called 'antmageddon' (although I think 'antpocolypse' might be better...).

You get to the pub and there's no beer - Barmageddon

Traffic jam - Carmageddon (think this one's already been used)

A very long journey - Farmageddon (as opposed to the Shaun the Sheep version)

Can't open the jam - Jarmagedon

Overrun by South American relatives of camels - Llamageddon

Told off by mum (or the queen) - Ma'mageddon

Told off by dad - Pa'mageddon

Melting roads - Tarmageddon

Lots of pirates in agreement - Yarmageddon

Which means that too many pirates - Arrrrmageddon

 

 

[Alex TM]

See fog on the Forth ruining the view across to Fife - Haarmageddon

[Compound2632]

38 minutes ago, Ramblin Rich said:

Told off by mum (or the queen) - Ma'mageddon

 

Marmargeddon is our kitchen in late Jan / early Feb most years - not this, alas, as I missed the Seville Orange season.

[CameronL]

34 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Marmargeddon is our kitchen in late Jan / early Feb most years - not this, alas, as I missed the Seville Orange season.

Having a really bad life because of what you did in the previous one - Karmageddon

[Enterprisingwestern]

 

I've had enough of this - Armageddon out of here.

 

Mike.