The Forum Jokes Thread

[Titan]

9 hours ago, jbqfc said:

 

America has a fuel crisis too?

[Porkscratching]

[Bernard Lamb]

[F-UnitMad]

9 hours ago, Porkscratching said:

Interesting that even the phones looking at the picture are out of date now

 

"That's right dear, our ancestors had buttons"....

[Hroth]

22 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

Interesting that even the phones looking at the picture are out of date now

 

"That's right dear, our ancestors had buttons"....

 

To be fair, you can still get the Nokia on the left...

 

 

Edited October 3, 2021 by Hroth
See!

[newbryford]

On 02/10/2021 at 18:11, F-UnitMad said:

Interesting that even the phones looking at the picture are out of date now

 

"That's right dear, our ancestors had buttons"....

 

We have had this awhile before, but always worth a repeat.

 

[George Spencer]

On 02/10/2021 at 14:45, Bernard Lamb said:

 

Reminds me of a story I read from WW2 where a woman was manning Blea Moor box and brought a train to a stand. The crew were working mileage and were anxious to get going again, so the driver went to the box and, assuming that the woman knew what he was talking about, said, "Could you get 'em off, please?" (Referring to the signals)

 

She promptly slapped him.

[Porkscratching]

On 02/10/2021 at 23:05, Hroth said:

 

To be fair, you can still get the Nokia on the left...

 

 

I still use one of these as my daily phone...

 

[Hroth]

23 minutes ago, Porkscratching said:

I still use one of these as my daily phone...

 

 

I use the one I illustrated as a dead-end phone for online ordering systems that demand a mobile phone number* and won't let you go on until you've provided one.  I also use it for folk I don't want to hear from again... 

 

* And won't let you enter a landline number...

[Porkscratching]

1 hour ago, Hroth said:

 

I use the one I illustrated as a dead-end phone for online ordering systems that demand a mobile phone number* and won't let you go on until you've provided one.  I also use it for folk I don't want to hear from again... 

 

* And won't let you enter a landline number...

Snap!.. I've got an even more basic 3310 I use as a "dead end" for people or bodies i don't want to speak to !

The 3510i though is my normal phone, it's robust and does the two simple things I want, ie phone calls and texts, end of.

No internet, no cameras, or crap that follows you around all the time

[ikks]

1 hour ago, Porkscratching said:

Snap!.. I've got an even more basic 3310 I use as a "dead end" for people or bodies i don't want to speak to !

The 3510i though is my normal phone, it's robust and does the two simple things I want, ie phone calls and texts, end of.

No internet, no cameras, or crap that follows you around all the time

Agree, last time I bought a new mobile, I told them I just want one that makes phone calls and texts none of all the other sh1t, I swear you could hear a pin drop in the shop after my request.........Anyway I had to have all of the other sh1t  to get a phone. Never used any of the stuff in 2 years

[Porkscratching]

3 hours ago, ikks said:

Agree, last time I bought a new mobile, I told them I just want one that makes phone calls and texts none of all the other sh1t, I swear you could hear a pin drop in the shop after my request.........Anyway I had to have all of the other sh1t  to get a phone. Never used any of the stuff in 2 years

Should have just got a simple so called  "granny" phone, ( theres still loads available new as far as I'm aware)  and just bunged your sim card in it.. 

[DK123GWR]

6 hours ago, Porkscratching said:

Snap!.. I've got an even more basic 3310 I use as a "dead end" for people or bodies i don't want to speak to !

The 3510i though is my normal phone, it's robust and does the two simple things I want, ie phone calls and texts, end of.

No internet, no cameras, or crap that follows you around all the time

Doesn't the mobile network create a record of every mast you connect to (literally following you around all the time)?

[Compound2632]

9 minutes ago, DK123GWR said:

Doesn't the mobile network create a record of every mast you connect to (literally following you around all the time)?

 

Only if the phone is on.

 

As with all these things, there's still that antique fitting, the off switch.

[Hroth]

6 minutes ago, DK123GWR said:

Doesn't the mobile network create a record of every mast you connect to (literally following you around all the time)?

 

Thats a bit different to third-party software that tracks your location/usage/spending patterns and sells them as a data mining resource to advertising sharks, etc.

 

[Stanley Melrose]

35 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Only if the phone is on.

 

As with all these things, there's still that antique fitting, the off switch.

Nope, I think you'll find that all mobile phones are linked to the nearest mast whether off or on.  The Swiss have kept track of their population via their mobiles since day 1.  I have little doubt that our government "protects" us using the same facilities.

[Compound2632]

1 minute ago, Stanley Melrose said:

Nope, I think you'll find that all mobile phones are linked to the nearest mast whether off or on.  The Swiss have kept track of their population via their mobiles since day 1.  I have little doubt that our government "protects" us using the same facilities.

 

Right. I'll have to take the battery out...

[Dagworth]

[33C]

I had a racing snail. To make it faster, I took the shell off. Now it's very sluggish...........

[Porkscratching]

3 hours ago, DK123GWR said:

Doesn't the mobile network create a record of every mast you connect to (literally following you around all the time)?

Probably does, though mine is often switched off and turned on just as and when I want to use it. I'm not attempting to "hide from the CIA" or anything I just object to being permanently plugged into the internet and all it's ever expanding malarkey, i just want a phone as a phone (and text machine)...if i want to look at something on the internet I'll switch on a computer and do that, then turn it off again... It's no doubt a cantankerous old bloke thing !

[Porkscratching]

2 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Right. I'll have to take the battery out...

I have done that on occasions

[Porkscratching]

[CameronL]

I heard this joke in the early 1980s. I have searched this thread but not found it. Let's see if I can get it past the bad language filter......

 

A University's Psychology Degree included a module that was always very popular with students - "The Psychology of Sex". When the lecturer was scheduled to give the first lecture of this module he looked up at the packed lecture theatre and began -

 

"Good morning class, and welcome to The Psychology of Sex. In this module we will explore the attitudes, practices and knowledge of this most basic of human functions. But first, I want to get some idea of this class's knowledge of the subject. So, I'll be asking you how many sexual positions you know."

 

Immediately, a voice at the back of the lecture theatre started calling out "Seventy two! Seventy two!"  

 

Thinking that this was a wind-up, the lecturer ignored it and asked a student in the front row. 

 

"Seven," was the answer. At the back the voice was still shouting, "Seventy two! Seventy two!"

 

The lecturer asked the next student.

 

"Five," he replied (looking slightly abashed that his answer wasn't as many) . From the back of the hall could be heard, "Seventy two! SEVENTY TWO!"

 

The lecturer continued asking students, with answers such as, "Three," "Six," "Four."

 

From the back the same answer still came;-

 

"SEVENTY TWO! S.E.V.EN.T.Y T.W.O! S-E-V-E-N-T-Y T-W-O!"

 

Rather fed up with this, this lecturer turned to the next student.

 

"One," was the reply.

 

The lecturer was a little bit surprised, but thought that this was  a good illustration of the point of his lecture.

 

"And what is that?" he asked.

 

Rather embarrassed, the student replied, "Well, the lady lies on her back with her legs open and the man gets on top of her."

 

And from the back could be heard the voice, shouting, "Seventy three! Seventy three!"

Edited October 4, 2021 by CameronL
Yes, it did.

[Hroth]

3 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Right. I'll have to take the battery out...

 

Better take the SIM card out too.

Just to be sure! 

[The Johnster]

46 minutes ago, CameronL said:

I heard this joke in the early 1980s. I have searched this thread but not found it. Let's see if I can get it past the bad language filter......

 

A University's Psychology Degree included a module that was always very popular with students - "The Psychology of Sex". When the lecturer was scheduled to give the first lecture of this module he looked up at the packed lecture theatre and began -

 

"Good morning class, and welcome to The Psychology of Sex. In this module we will explore the attitudes, practices and knowledge of this most basic of human functions. But first, I want to get some idea of this class's knowledge of the subject. So, I'll be asking you how many sexual positions you know."

 

Immediately, a voice at the back of the lecture theatre started calling out "Seventy two! Seventy two!"  

 

Thinking that this was a wind-up, the lecturer ignored it and asked a student in the front row. 

 

"Seven," was the answer. At the back the voice was still shouting, "Seventy two! Seventy two!"

 

The lecturer asked the next student.

 

"Five," he replied (looking slightly abashed that his answer wasn't as many) . From the back of the hall could be heard, "Seventy two! SEVENTY TWO!"

 

The lecturer continued asking students, with answers such as, "Three," "Six," "Four."

 

From the back the same answer still came;-

 

"SEVENTY TWO! S.E.V.EN.T.Y T.W.O! S-E-V-E-N-T-Y T-W-O!"

 

Rather fed up with this, this lecturer turned to the next student.

 

"One," was the reply.

 

The lecturer was a little bit surprised, but thought that this was  a good illustration of the point of his lecture.

 

"And what is that?" he asked.

 

Rather embarrassed, the student replied, "Well, the lady lies on her back with her legs open and the man gets on top of her."

 

And from the back could be heard the voice, shouting, "Seventy three! Seventy three!"

Along much the same lines, same course, same lecturer.

 

'Today, we will examine the effect of the frequency of sex on your general state of happiness.  How many of you have sex more than 4 times a week'?  About a third of the students respond, laughing, giving each other high fives, and general showing a good deal of satisfaction with the state of affairs.  'As you see, says the Prof, 'these people have lots of regular sex and are obviously very happy.  Now, how many of you have sex once a week'?  A number of students put their hands up, smiling and acknowledging each other but not displaying the overt joy of the 4 times + group.

 

'Now', says Prof, 'this shows a clear correlation between sex and happiness.  The once a week group are fairly content with their situation, but not as much as those whose sexual activity is more frequent.  How about those of you who have sex once a month'?  This is a smaller group, and they aren't showing much enthusiasm at all, but are not depressed either.  Prof says 'there, the correlation is proven.  Now, if there is anyone here who has sex once a year, you will prove to be as miserable as sin according to my theory.  Is there such an unfortunate in the room?'

 

A guy at the back immediately jumps up and with the greatest possible enthusiasm, fizzing with happiness and energy, shouts out 'Me, Prof, me, I only have sex once a year, me...'  Prof is amazed; 'But according to my theory you should be miserable, yet you are clearly deliriously happy.  Why is this'?

 

'It's TONIGHT, it's TONIGHT!!!!'.