The Forum Jokes Thread

[kandc_au]

...and please at least try to check whether they've been used on this forum before...

 

Maybe we should post to you first for approval, as I certainly don't have the time to go through 34 pages of jokes to see whether they have or have not been posted before.

And my memory is not anywhere new reliable enough to guess where i have seen a joke before either.

 

Khris

[bluebottle]

No! ......If you have been paying attention you will recognise the "old ones", if not, then the joke is (often) funny.

It's also interesting to see how jokes Morph over the years!

Many years ago I heard a Club-Circuit Comedian say that there are "only seven jokes in the world, everything else is a variation of them". He then entertained us for 2 hours with the variations!.

Now prove that wrong......!

 

I have been paying attention; I'm a regular reader and am entertained by the thread, but, as you say, more likely than occasional browsers to recognise the repeats. The "only seven jokes" observation is probably true, but your comedian would have been entertaining because the variations were unexpected enough to add freshness. Even a hackneyed catchphrase can be amusing if used in a fresh context. Also, a good comic adds his skills in performance. I can watch a Marx Brothers' routine again and again and laugh every time.

 

Maybe we should post to you first for approval, as I certainly don't have the time to go through 34 pages of jokes to see whether they have or have not been posted before.

And my memory is not anywhere new reliable enough to guess where i have seen a joke before either.

Khris

 

Oh dear, am I being priggish again? Sorry . All right, I'm a joke-spotting anorak - sorry again! Just one small point, then back to the fun. No need to re-read 34 pages; put a notable word or phrase from the gag in the search box, click "search this forum". A matter of seconds.

Edited July 26, 2012 by bluebottle

[pitbull1845]

I've heard that he person responsible for raising flags at olympic football matches is looking for a new korea!

[westcountryman]

What's thirty feet long & stinks of wee?

The dinner queue at an old peoples home!

 

...................................................................I'll get me coat

[96701]

What's thirty feet long & stinks of wee?

The dinner queue at an old peoples home!

 

...................................................................I'll get me coat

 

Jen says "That's horrible. His turn will come."

[AndyB]

A government minister was seated next to a little girl on an

aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go

quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied

to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming ,

fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

 

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose

that is?"

 

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's

intelligence, thinks about it and says, with a politician's typical wisdom, "Hmmm, I have no

idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to

discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know

sh!t?"

[Mike J]

A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost all interest in sex. A statement from the hospital replied, "All we did was correct his eyesight"

[kandc_au]

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

 

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

 

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Edited July 29, 2012 by kandc_au

[shortliner]

A big row has broken out within the Irish Olympic synchronised diving team.

 

Paddy is accusing Mick of copying him !

Edited July 29, 2012 by shortliner

[newbryford]

A young couple got married - they were both not accustomed to the ways of the world and were uncertain what to do on their wedding night.

 

The Bride decides to ring up her mother and ask for advice.

 

Without going into embarrasing detail, the mother advises her daughter to "put the part of him that's hardest, into the bit where she goes wee-wee".

 

10 minutes later, the bride phones her mother again.

 

"What do we do next

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

He's got his head stuck in the toilet bowl......................"

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Sidecar Racer]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home.

 

Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures;

in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

 

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.

 

Out of the lead car stepped a grinning slick looking man.

 

"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister David Cameron.

What do you have in that basket?" he asked.

 

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

 

"How old are they?" asked Cameron.

 

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

 

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

 

"Tory supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

 

Cameron was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him

about the little girl and the kittens.

 

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day;

and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

 

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the footpath with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"

when another motorcade pulled up,this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channel 4 and Sky News.

 

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

 

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

 

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

 

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Tory SUPPORTERS."

 

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

 

 

 

But today, they have their eyes open."

[kandc_au]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a

German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an

Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian,

a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a

Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a

Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri

Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a

Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a

Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a

Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a

Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a

Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an

Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a

Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a

Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a

Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a

Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an

Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[kandc_au]

Never force children to pray !

 

At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer .

 

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray .

DAD : Just pray for your family members , friends and neighbors , the poor , etc .....

BOY : “Dear Lord,†he started

Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream .

Bless them so they won’t come again !

Forgive our neighbor’s son , who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday .

This coming Christmas , please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone .

 

And provide shelter , Lord , to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work ..

 

AMEN

 

 

 

That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner……

[PhilJ W]

I came home yesterday to find a note from the wife on the fridge door, it said "It's not working any more, I'm going to my mothers." I opened the fridge door and the light came on and my beer was still cold so what's the problem?

[kandc_au]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

 

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

 

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

 

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

 

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get onto the bed. "

[Phil Bullock]

I walked in to town the other lunch time with SWMBO. We get many buskers in Cheltenham and that day there was one playing a digeridoo.

 

I strained to catch the tune and did eventually - it was "Dancing Queen"

 

Turning to SWMBO I said - Thats Abbariginal!

[Steve K]

If that's not a Tim Vine joke, it should be!

[gazmanjack]

Two nuns are driving back home after a late night of bothering God. Suddenly, the skies came over all gloomy and then there was a massive flash of lightning. Within an instant, Satan appeared on the bonet of the car. Sister Mary hit the brakes hard and in a panic said, "What do I do now ?", to her fellow sister. The other nun replied, "Show him your cross !". So, Sister Mary wound down the window and yelled out, "Get the f*#k off my bonet...!"

 

Cheers, Gary.

[shortliner]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

 

 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

 

"Oh. Killing any?"

She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

 

 

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

 

 

 

 

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone."

Edited August 8, 2012 by shortliner

[shortliner]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

 

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,

 

"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

 

The blondes all nodded.

 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out

a folder.

 

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture,

and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features

and oddities like scars and so forth."

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now", He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

 

The blonde immediately said,

"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

 

The detective shook his head and said,

"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about

this man?"

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see

one ear! You're excused too!"

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last

blonde and said,

"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and

withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual

about this man?"

 

The blonde said,

"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and

began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Edited August 8, 2012 by shortliner

[shortliner]

Dave always said that housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

 

It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

 

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

 

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

 

'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'

 

God is good!

[kandc_au]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,

who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

 

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask

such a question, but decided that if she's old enough

to know to ask the question, then she's old enough

to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave

nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about

human reproduction and the joys and

responsibilities of intercourse.

 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was

looking at him with her mouth hanging open,

eyes wide in amazement.

 

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather

asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

 

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that

dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

[shortliner]

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

 

 

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"I don't care what you've discovered. You didn't call, you didn't write."

 

 

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

 

 

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket now and show me!"

 

 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

 

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

 

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

 

 

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last 40 years?"

 

 

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

 

 

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

 

[Mike J]

Woke up with a terrible hangover at six a.m. this morning to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. My first reaction was to get up and throttle him, but then I thought s*d it, he'll just have to mow around me.

[keefer]

the increasing interest in althletics is affecting literacy.

 

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