The Forum Jokes Thread

[shortliner]

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a

 

cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all

 

sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece

 

of ass?" "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped

 

the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why

 

not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now,

 

so why don't we just slip away up to your room?" When they returned half

 

an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress

 

smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Why yes,"

 

replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did

 

for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah

 

come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a

 

piece of ass for mah drink."

 

[Mythocentric]

The Northerner’s Commandments

 

As brought down from the heights of Pendle by the prophet Ecky Thump

scribed on the back of a betting slip

1. Thou shalt honour thy mam and dad lest thou be left out of the will.
   
2. Thou shalt never leave a pint undrained, yea even if thou hast to pour it down thy vest.
   
3. For five days shalt thou labour in vain. The rest thou shalt spend on the allotment.
   
4. Thou shalt never use the letters G, W and R one with the other nor shalt thou ever make a graven image of it.
   
5. Thou shalt always wear socks with thy sandals and a knotted hankie on thy head on holiday.
   
6. If any man smites thee on the cheek thou shalt clog him most grievously.
   
7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods, but his wife’s fair game if she be gradely.
   
8. If thy pigeons winneth not thou shalt maketh of them a right tasty pie.
   
9. If thou drinketh thy beer flat like unto a namby, pamby southerner, thou shalt surely burn in the deepest pits of hell.
   
10. Thou shalt never drink any cocktail but milk stout with a pickled onion on a stick.
    

[DonBradley]

Constitutional Court Rules No Nativity scene in London

 

 

The Constitutional Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the country's capital this Christmas season.

 

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the nation's capital. A search for a Virgin continues.

 

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[beast66606]

A thought - If the Pope is now on Twitter - does he need to have a Papal account ?

[Wacol]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter

speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth

closed.

 

 

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could

look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself 'I'm

having that'

[shortliner]

....and this news, just in!

 

Well, it is not a pretty story ... about 200 dead crows found beside a road near Guelph, Canada … there was concern for Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impacts.

 

 

The Province engaged a Behavioral Ornithologist to determine the reason(s) for the disproportionate percentages of truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. -------------------

 

The conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

Edited December 22, 2012 by shortliner

[lakeview770]

Keeping away from Facebook at the minute getting a bit sick of people posting their Mayan jokes like there's no tomorrow

[DavidB-AU]

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage in outer Kazakhstan. Unexpectedly the train stops. 

  

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should call a subbotnik so that workers and peasants can fix the problem."  

 

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the  train doesn’t start moving, the driver will be sent to a Siberian gulag!"

 

But the train doesn't start moving.

 

Khrushchev then suggests "Let's take the rails behind the  train and use them to construct the tracks in the front."

 

But still the train doesn't move.  

 

Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving."

[pH]

Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving."

Peter Handford records, presumably?

[Brush47337]

it has been scientifically proven that the urge

to sing the song ........"The lion sleeps tonight".......

is never more than just a whim away

 

 

a whim away

 

 

a whim away

[Tom Bayford]

My wife and Family keep threating to leave me due to my Phil Colins obbsession but take a look at me know

[Horsetan]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

- 'Mrs. Ward, please.'

'Speaking.'

- 'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the National Pathology Laboratory. I'm sorry to disturb you but, when your GP sent your husband's samples to the lab for testing yesterday, a test from another Mr. Ward arrived as well and, regrettable as it most certainly is, we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. To be frank, the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

- 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'But that's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.

'Normally we do, but these tests are so expensive, and NHS guidelines only allow for these on a one-off basis.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

- 'We have given this careful thought, and would recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[Sidecar Racer]

NOTES  LEFT FOR THE MILKMAN .

 

 

Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me..

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

[69843]

A man sees a little boy in a park, eating lollies

 

The man goes up to him and says "Son, did you know that if you don't eat sweets you'll grow up to be an old man'

 

The boy says back 'Well, my Grandad lived to be 90'

 

"Did he?, Well, did he eat sweets?"

 

'No, but he minded his own f*****g business!'

[gazmanjack]

You have your barking dog at the back door wanting in, and your wife yelling at the front door, wanting in.

 

Q. Which one do you let in ?

 

A. Your dog. Atleast the dog shuts up once inside....!!

 

 

 

 

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier, when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total b****cks", I replied, by text from across the road....

 

 

 

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had died recently. After the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they bumped the wall. A moan was heard, so the pall bearers opened the coffin and to their surprise, she was alive. She manged to live for another ten years before passing away, again. The ceremony was held at the same church and after the service the pall bearers were carrying the casket out. As they were carrying her out, her husband cries out, "watch out for that f***ing wall...!"

 

Cheers.

Edited January 11, 2013 by gazmanjack

[steve1]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat, closed her eyes & drifted off to sleep.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

 

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric. I'm on the train.

 

Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.

No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.

No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

 

Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly of sweet nothings & the other commuter, now wide awake, leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric darling, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

 

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.

 

steve

[steve1]

Never been keen on Tesco burgers. Much prefer My Lidl Pony

 

My village butcher says he is doing a galloping trade in burgers today. 

 

Tesco say their burger sales are stable

 

Shock News - FSA find meat in Tesco burger

 

Tesco burgers, low in fat ---- but high in shergar

 

Looked in the fridge to check my burgers--- and they're off

 

steve

[Mythocentric]

A man driving down a country lane looks into his mirror and is surprised to see a chicken running along the road behind him. He's even more surprised when the chicken accelerates, passes him and shoots off. The man notes as it does so that it appears to have four legs.

He pulls himself together and sets off in pursuit and spots the chicken turning into a farmyard. He follows, gets out of his car to find himself surrounded by chickens, all of which have four legs.

A voice asks him if he is lost and he turns to see the farmer standing by the barn. He goes over and asks, "Are these your chickens?"

"Arr! They are that sir", the farmer replies.

"But, they've got four legs", says the by-now rather stunned man.

"Arr! That they have indeed sir", says the farmer, then noting the mans confused expression goes on, "Well, what it is see, Theres me, the wife and two kids, and we all like a chicken leg with our Sunday dinner! So rather than kill two birds and leave a lot of waste, I thought I'd try breeding them like this and make everyone happy!"

"Really", say the man, "Thats amazing! So what do they taste like?"

"Dunno really", comes the reply, "Ain't managed to catch the blasted things yet!"

Edited January 16, 2013 by Mythocentric

[AndyB]

Whilst you're checking your burgers for horse meat it's worth taking a look at the Tesco digestives too.

I checked mine earlier but I could only Seabiscuit.

[Colin_McLeod]

A Tesco burger walks into a pub.

"Can I have a pint please barman?" he said.

The barman said "Pardon. I can't really hear what you are saying"

"Sorry" said the Tesco Burger" but I'm a little bit horse"

[newbryford]

A man walks through a farmyard and sees a pig with three legs.

Intrigued, he asks the farmer "Why has that pig only got three legs?"

The farmer replies "That's a special pig that is".

"Why?" enquires the man.

The farmer then explains that one night three weeks ago, there was a fire in the barn and that the pig woke up and made so much noise that it alerted the sleeping family in the farmhouse next door. The thatched roof of which was in danger of catching fire from the burning debris and possibly burning the family to death.

 

"I see" said the man "So that's why the pig is special - did it lose it's leg because of the fire?"

 

"No" says the farmer. "When a pig's that special, you don't want to eat it all at once......."

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Budgie]

If you think Tesco are having a bad day with their burgers, just wait until you see Iceland's quarter pandas!

 

In a related scandal, some McDonald's burgers were today found to contain beef DNA.

 

Think your safe if you're vegetarian? Think again. Traces of Uniquorn found in veggie burgers.

[Brush47337]

In my local Tesco cafe today I was asked if I wanted anything on my burger ..............

.................. so I said £5 each way.

 

boom boom

[shortliner]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was .
. . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's
Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the
matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my mpression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was
dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . ...Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

....and I bet you thought the sergeant was going to tell him to call Tesco's!  
 

Edited January 18, 2013 by shortliner

[newbryford]

A Solicitor banker was driving down a road one day when he saw two men at the side of the road eating grass.

 

He stopped and asked them what they were doing.

 

"We are poor and cannot afford food, so we have to eat grass" they said.

 

"You should come back to my house and I will feed you" replied the banker.

 

"But I have a wife and two children" said the first.

 

"No problem, you and your family can all come to my house" was the reply

 

"But I have a wife and SIX children" said the second.

 

"No problem at all, you're all most welcome" was the charitable reply.

 

So - the banker managed to squeeze them all into his car - after all it was a chauffeur driven limo obviously suited to his profession.

 

As they turned through the gateway towards his mansion, the banker said:

 

"There's plenty for you all to eat here - the grass is over twice as tall"

 

Cheers,

Mick