RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 9, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 9, 2019 Last night I was sitting in the lounge with SWMBO when I said "I don't want to live in a vegative state dependent on machines and bottles of liquids to keep me alive." So she unplugged my computer and poured my whisky down the sink. 2 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 9, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 9, 2019 There was a Viking named Ulf. He was ginger haired and had a bad temper to match. One fine Christmas morning he looked out of the window and said to his wife "Its cloudy so it looks like rain today." His wife just ignored him so he says. "I said its going to rain today you deaf old bitch!" His wife still ignores him so he shouts "Its going to rain today you moron." His wife looks up, smiles sweetly and says. "How do you know that smart@rse?" He answers through gritted teeth. "Because Rude Ulf the Red knows rain dear." Hat and coat already on... 1 4 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted July 9, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 9, 2019 2 hours ago, PhilJ W said: There was a Viking named Ulf. He was ginger haired and had a bad temper to match. One fine Christmas morning he looked out of the window and said to his wife "Its cloudy so it looks like rain today." His wife just ignored him so he says. "I said its going to rain today you deaf old bitch!" His wife still ignores him so he shouts "Its going to rain today you moron." His wife looks up, smiles sweetly and says. "How do you know that smart@rse?" He answers through gritted teeth. "Because Rude Ulf the Red knows rain dear." Hat and coat already on... 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 9, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 9, 2019 About five months too early 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 33 minutes ago, Colin_McLeod said: About five months too early Hi Colin, I would suggest that the joke is not so much early as it is far too late, in that you have always shared it with us ! Gibbo. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) Two antennae went to the moon to get married; the wedding had no atmosphere, but the reception was outstanding. Edited July 9, 2019 by leopardml2341 1 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 9, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 9, 2019 And you have the nerve to criticise my jokes...…………………………………... 1 1 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Is this any better? 2 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I 'ad a stick, but never got an 'at. Julian 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 10 minutes ago, jcredfer said: I 'ad a stick, but never got an 'at. Julian A stick..??!!?? You were lucky.... Cue all sorts of "Four Yorkshiremen Sketch" type jokes... 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 10 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said: A stick..??!!?? You were lucky.... Cue all sorts of "Four Yorkshiremen Sketch" type jokes... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Mary had a little lamb Her father heard it sneeze It's burning in the field now It had foot and mouth disease Mary had a little lamb It was full of frolics Tried to jump a four foot fence And landed on it's ……. Jason 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 3 hours ago, F-UnitMad said: A stick..??!!?? You were lucky.... Cue all sorts of "Four Yorkshiremen Sketch" type jokes... BLUDDY YORKSHEER ! ! ! ! . . . . . Them bu99ers 'ad it easy compared to us twixed Tees and Tyne . . . . . John 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I took my new gun to the firing range the other day, but somehow I couldn't get it to work. Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the user manual. Just seen an advert where Water Aid can supply a family of four for £2 a month. How do I change my supplier? Terrible news. Last night I got mugged, by 6 dwarves..........Not Happy. Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you can prepare yourself for the reaper cushions. Smoking will kill you. Eating bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it. 11 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Justice has been served! There's been some scumbag called Callum (known to his friends as Cal) going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone 8 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Every psychic I meet is either angry or sad. I'm just looking for happy medium. I've just seen a sleepwalking nun. Must've been a roaming catholic. 10 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Not sure if this is the correct thread to post this but I'm posting this with a heavy heart.. As much as I love having my model railways, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be re-homing my collection Please don't ask any questions, as I can't handle talking about it. Below is a list of what's available. All FREE of charge, but to good homes only. Serious inquiries only please. Thanks for reading and understanding... 1. Dustpan and brush 2. Sponges 3. Dusters 4. Mop and bucket 5. Window cleaner 6.Hoover 7. Dishwashing liquid 8. Laundry detergent 9. Fabric softener 10. Laundry baskets 11. Toilet brush 12. Cleaning sprays 13. Scrubbing brushes 5 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ramblin Rich Posted July 10, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 10, 2019 13 scrubbing brushes? Bit excessive.... 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Reverse that list and there's the makings of a song! 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 10, 2019 1 hour ago, Ramblin Rich said: 13 scrubbing brushes? Bit excessive.... You can't have enough scrubbing brushes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 10, 2019 5 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: Every psychic I meet is either angry or sad. A local pub was hosting a psychic night. When the landlord asked the psychic how many he should cater for, the reply was "How would I know..........?" 3 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 How come no Psychics have won the Lottery?? 2 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 11, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 11, 2019 Maybe they have but kept quiet 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 11 hours ago, Ramblin Rich said: 13 scrubbing brushes? Bit excessive.... Could be worse, they might all come supplied with a bottle of TCP each. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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