Most memorable insult you have ever been offered.

[daltonparva]

Said items are useful, you're not!

Ooo, nerve struck, methinks

[John M Upton]

A particularly unpleasant young gentleman who was using all sorts of badly veiled threats was dealt with a very serious Paddington Bear like stare and the following words:

 

"Did I ever tell you what happened to the last person to try and steal from me?  Oh no, of course not, they haven't found all the bits yet....."

[Gwiwer]

Not in everyday language but one which I still have memorised from the days of the school play.  In this case John Marton's "The Malcontent" from which this must surely rate among the better insults:

 

"Adieu, pigeon-house.  Thou burr that stickest only to nappy fortunes.  The serpigo, the strangury, an eternal ineffectual priapism seize thee!"

 

Charming.

[wombatofludham]

I once heard a colleague's opinion described as "about as welcome as a fart in a funeral service".

 

Not an insult, but I was once described as having "the eyes of a sh*thouse rat" when I spotted something from across the other side of a room that others had been searching for for five minutes.

[grandadbob]

"If brains were gunpowder you wouldn't have enough to blow the nits off a gnat's nuts!"

[rockershovel]

I don't actually have an accent, the comment about "being a Brummie" came after I had told someone I was originally from Walsall, which has never and never will be part of Birmingham - it wasn't even in the same county up until 1974.  Actually to many from the Black Country neither Walsall or Wolverhampton (despite what their Councils think) are in the Black Country, my Black Country ancestry comes via my Grandfather who came originally from Darlaston, just the right side of the River Tame to be the Black Country.  But they are not Birmingham suburbs either.

 

People from outside areas of proud local identities should be sensitive to local rivalries - I've never lived in the North East but I know never, never to call a Mackem a Geordie.  If I have trouble deciphering which accent I'm listening to I ask before blundering in.  Ditto "Greater Manchester", where calling anyone not from Manchester a "Mancunian" is an insult to many.  It's part of what drives tribal loyalty to football teams, and is one of the last remaining bastions of localism in an increasingly London-centric, homogenised Britain.

How do you bamboozle a Man Utd fan? Ask them for directions to the ground....

 

I've never understood the English obsession with football teams, either the "following some hopeless local outfit" part, or the "raving about some Premiership team from 100 miles away, they've never seen in person" part.... and I AM English.

 

Same for local rivalries. Local rivalries around here are disappearing rapidly as the community separates; we are getting back to the days when people don't speak to people from three streets away, but it's because they can no longer speak to them at all. Oddly enough, Peterborough went through an earlier phase of being populated by large groups of Londoners decanted en bloc from various North London boroughs, and apart from the sheer isolation of the various estates there was little sense of "local tribalism" and few of those incomers ever took to regarding themselves as "Locals". I still tell people I'm a "London boy" and I've lived here over thirty years, and my actual home borough in London is so changed that I haven't been there for many years, and wouldn't know anyone if I did

[NHY 581]

After an interaction with a gentleman, he turned away from myself and a colleague and muttered 'Cock!'under his breath to which my colleague replied,

 

' You are what you eat,Sir.....'

[Oldddudders]

"Don't be a c*** all your life! Take a day off occasionally!" While very drunk after a social, remarking thus to a former boss was lucky not to be career limiting......

[big jim]

I've started growing a bit of a beard and my eldest told me I look like "an old Paul Hollywood", thanks for that, Paul Hollywood is only 10 years older than me!

[cheesysmith]

Dropped my guts at work yesterday, causing a mass evacuation of the room affected.

 

The comment passed " what crawled up your sh1tbox and died?"

 

Hard to take a insult seriously when someone is trying to tell it to you breathing through a tie.

[Enterprisingwestern]

When you were in the queue for brains, you must have thought they said drains and asked for a big empty one.

 

Mike.

"Madam - who does your hair?" Short pause while lady beams. Then "The Council?"

 

In a similar vein;

Tell us who did it, we'll get him for you.

 

Mike.

[wombatofludham]

If we ever left the door open as kids my late father would always shout "Where were you born, in a barn"?

 

Problem is it never quite worked with my late mother, who would invariably retort with "No an air raid shelter", as she had indeed been born in the middle of an air-raid in the shelter.

[AndrewC]

One insult I like to use is....

 

He's the poster child for retroactive birth control.

If we ever left the door open as kids my late father would always shout "Where were you born, in a barn"?

 

Problem is it never quite worked with my late mother, who would invariably retort with "No an air raid shelter", as she had indeed been born in the middle of an air-raid in the shelter.

The usual retort to this was always "yes, just like Jesus".

[Enterprisingwestern]

If we ever left the door open as kids my late father would always shout "Where were you born, in a barn"?

 

Problem is it never quite worked with my late mother, who would invariably retort with "No an air raid shelter", as she had indeed been born in the middle of an air-raid in the shelter.

 

Alternatively, in my case, were you born in a field, yes, Sheffield.

 

Mike.

[Tiffy]

Having spent a large-ish chunk of my life keeping the Russians out of west Germany, I have been insulted, (and subsequently insulted others myself) by some real masters of the trade - especially when on the drill square - e.g.

 

• If you don't start swinging that arm, I will personally rip it off and smack you in the head with the wet end
• If you don't .... I will make you sorry that your mother and father met the one time that they did
• If you don't ... I will stick the end of my pace stick up your nose, twirl you round my head like a football rattle, and then flick you into the bushes
• Well done son, your mother would be proud of you - you're the only one in the whole bloody squad that is in step!

And when we get on to insulting officers, then it gets even better -

• I would not breed from this man
• The only reason his men follow him is out of curiosity

My own favourite is the one my old Sergeant Major used on many occasions - referring to a transgressor as a "Dick-splash"

 

There are of course many, many more - far too many to remember them all, although they often pop into my head at inopportune moments (I work for a County Council, where there is plenty of opportunity to use them - if only sotto voce)

[Welchester]

Have you seen (name of unpleasant person)?

 

- No, but I almost stepped in some.

[wollastonblue]

If we ever left the door open as kids my late father would always shout "Where were you born, in a barn"?

 

Problem is it never quite worked with my late mother, who would invariably retort with "No an air raid shelter", as she had indeed been born in the middle of an air-raid in the shelter.

 

My Grandad used a version of the open door phrase: "Do you think you're Jesus?", "No" we would reply, "Well you were born in barn!" he would shout. (In a Black Country NOT a Brummie accent).

[Grasshopper John]

Best comeback I heard ( think it's true ) was between two players in an England vs Australia test match.

 

Aussie bowler to Batsman 'Hows your wife and my Kids'

 

England reply  ' Wife's fine, Kids are retarded'

[NHY 581]

A work mate was on a forklift one day. He was very confident regarding his abilities and used to whizz about the factory.

 

One day he was reversing towards the rear of the production line. It was clear he was going to collide with it and disrupt production.

 

A supervisor was shouting 'Whoa! Whoa! '.......to no avail and the inevitable collision took place with a resounding crash.......knocking the production line out of alignment...

 

For a split second silence reigned supreme.....broken by said supervisor who shouted......

 

 

'Even a f**king horse understands whoa! "

[Oldddudders]

Chinbrook. Where the rats once complained to the council about the residents.

 

I spent two formative years helping to manage the carriage cleaning ladies at Grove Park Shed. You can imagine where they tended to live. 

[Zomboid]

Best comeback I heard ( think it's true ) was between two players in an England vs Australia test match.

 

Aussie bowler to Batsman 'Hows your wife and my Kids'

 

England reply ' Wife's fine, Kids are retarded'

Cricket's good for that kind of thing.

Glenn McGrath apparently once asked a rotund member of the opposition "why are you so fat?"

The response was apparently "because every time I f... your wife she gives me a biscuit".

[Oldddudders]

Very many years ago, a friend of mine was romantically in thrall to a young lady called Charmaine.

 

 

 

I married a lady of that name last year. Having read her post - no 56 of this thread - perhaps I need to worry........

[rockershovel]

Working with Americans in the early days in the N Sea, they would tend to indulge in imaginative insults. I never really found any better reply than a simple blank look of complete incomprehension, sustained for as long as necessary. They hated it.

 

Damn, pronounced as a redneck disyllable - DAY-um! but with a complete lack of inflection or emphasis, was quite good as well

[Rugd1022]

Not a particularly bad one but it stuck in my memory nonetheless... the time : 1984, the place : the packed train crew mess room on platform 1 at Padd... the 'Old Oak table' in the corner is the scene of a card school which has been going on for almost three hours with various Drivers, Guards and Secondmen dropping in and out, a rumble ensues when a visiting Bristol man loses has stash of pennies in said card game, throws his hand in, stands up and declares ''gentlemen, you are all c*nts!" then swiftly departs in a mighty old huff. The memory of this was rekindled decades later when watching the Brit gangster film 'Sexy Beast' with top villain Ian McShane using the exact same line to his nefarious little entourage of middle aged bank robbers!

[melmoth]

Best comeback I heard ( think it's true ) was between two players in an England vs Australia test match.

 

Aussie bowler to Batsman 'Hows your wife and my Kids'

 

England reply  ' Wife's fine, Kids are retarded'

 

See also Glenn McGrath vs Arjuna Ranatunga:

 

McGrath - How come you're so fat?

 

Ranatunga - Because everytime I xxxx your wife, she gives me a biscuit

 

Play was then held up while Ian Healy and the rest of the Australian close fielders regained their composure

 

edit: sorry, didn't see earlier version of this particular anecdote.