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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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tomparryharry

tomparryharry

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Record Producer goes into a bar. Whilst there, he sees the piano player, playing out a fantastic tune, and playing it really well.

 

He approaches the player, and compliments him on his playing, and adds "What's the tune? I haven't heard it before".

 

The piano player replies; "It's one of my own".

 

The producer is really impressed. "You should get that recorded, it's really very good".

 

"Nah",says the player," I tried before, but it got turned down, because of the title".

 

"That's crazy", said the producer. "By the way, what's the title?"

 

"Every time my girlfriend kisses me, I c*me in my pants".

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Guest Gloria Sass

Guest Gloria Sass

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Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a southern farmer with a wagon.

"Good afternoon," says Schwartz.

"Afternoon," says the farmer.

"Where you headed?" asks Schwartz.

"Town."

"What do you have in the wagon?"

"Manure."

"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"

"I spread it over the fruit."

"Well," says Bernstein, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.

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travelintrev

travelintrev

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Posted

(This of course may have been around before?) 

 

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

 

 

 

 

 

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?

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Sasquatch

Sasquatch

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Bloke walks into an empty bar with an adidas bag. Wakes up the barman, and orders a flagon of finest ale then tells the barman that he needs some entertainment in here upon which he puts the holdall on the bar and pulls out a small piano. Action man then jumps out of the bag and starts playing lovely classical music.

The following night the bar was packed. The barman tells the bloke he can have free drinks all night but wants to know where he got the action man.

"Its a long story (these kind of jokes always are) but I found a four leaf clover one day when I was drunk in the fair isle, thing is I don't remember wishing for a twelve inch pianist! 

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bluebottle

bluebottle

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Posted

(This of course may have been around before?) 

 

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

 

Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?

 

 

 

 

If the lad's Bible studies had been more detailed, he could have pointed out that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't talk about it:

"For I did not speak of my own accord... " (John 12:49; New International Version).

There are also apocryphal stories about the roar of Moses' Triumph being heard in the hills, but let's not be silly.

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jcm@gwr

jcm@gwr

Posted
Posted

If the lad's Bible studies had been more detailed, he could have pointed out that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't talk about it:

"For I did not speak of my own accord... " (John 12:49; New International Version).

There are also apocryphal stories about the roar of Moses' Triumph being heard in the hills, but let's not be silly.

What, and spoil all the fun  :P

(don't forget that 'God burned up the desert in his Triumph' as well)

 

Jeff

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gazmanjack

gazmanjack

Posted
Posted (edited)

It all depends on how well you maintain and drive them.

Just like any older vehicle I guess

Jeff

I guess if it's as old as Moses', it would be well maintained... (The Triumph, that is..)

 

Cheers, Gary.

Edited by gazmanjack
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jbqfc

jbqfc

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This one landed on my virtual doormat this morning - felt I had to share it ...


"Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.

To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.

With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

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Dagworth

Dagworth

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Pam Eyres style..........

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way, 
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "fifty shades of grey"
. Well I just left her to it, 
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; 
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip! 
She threw them down upon the floor, 
And then began to strip. 
Well fifty years or so ago; 
I might have had a peek; 
But Mabel hasn't weathered well; 
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer. 
And things then went from bad to worse; 
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! 
Now if you knew our Mabel, 
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed,
her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned
then shouted out: 
"Step on the other one"!! 
Well readers, I can't tell no more; 
About what occurred that day. 
Suffice to say my jet black hair, 
Turned fifty shades of grey.

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