The Forum Jokes Thread

[Jaz]

Sparrows pecking through the tin foil tops of the milk bottles on the doorstep

The corona delivery man

The man who came around to sharpen knives

Pedal scooters

The ball on a rope that went round your ankle and you jumped as you copied a hula hoop on your foot.

returning bottles to the off licence(a door to the side of the main pub) to buy pop

Hi fiving other VW beetle owners

Spanish gold, the coconut treat in a 'tobacco wrapper'

The dog going berserk when the ice cream van man came....and my dad going out to buy the dog an ice cream.....LOL

[John_Hughes]

Sparrows pecking through the tin foil tops of the milk bottles on the doorstep

The corona delivery man

The man who came around to sharpen knives

Pedal scooters

The ball on a rope that went round your ankle and you jumped as you copied a hula hoop on your foot.

returning bottles to the off licence(a door to the side of the main pub) to buy pop

Hi fiving other VW beetle owners

Spanish gold, the coconut treat in a 'tobacco wrapper'

The dog going berserk when the ice cream van man came....and my dad going out to buy the dog an ice cream.....LOL

 

It was blue tits at the milk, surely, not sparrows?

 

Can I add Rose Hip Syrup to the list?!

[PhilJ W]

It was blue tits at the milk, surely, not sparrows?

 

Can I add Rose Hip Syrup to the list?!

Perhaps we should have a new thread for all these memories?

[C&WR]

Ah, rose hips.  My grandmother & mother used to pick them to make the syrup, I used to to get the scratchy seeds out to put down unsuspecting people's necks, mainly that of my poor little sister...

[jbqfc]

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

 

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

 

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

 

"I want to break three."

[steve1]

I'm doing a cover album of Bob the Builder songs in the style of Guns & Roses.


It's called "Appetite for Construction."

 

steve

[peanuts]

THE
What a wonderful piece of engineering 
it can be started with one finger ,its self lubricating ,it takes any size piston,plus it changes its own oil every four weeks .its just a petty the management system is such a temperamental nightmare

[Budgie]

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without the guns? (Recommended)

[raymw]

 

 

A soldier ran up to a nun.  Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.  I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.  A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier? 'The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.  You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a 
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

 

   

 

 

[black5f]

Man inherits a stuffed dog, take it to antiques road show. "Oh yes", says the expert. "William and Dobson, London, a fine example of taxidermy, circa 1890, have you any idea what this would fetch in good condition?". The mans replies, ... "sticks?".

[black5f]

Two cannibals catch a clown and eat him. One turns to the other and says, " this tastes a bit funny".

 

Two nuns get attacked by a vampire. One chucks holy water at him, no effect, the other starts praying for divine intervention, no effect. One says, "I know, show him your cross?" The other screams at the vampire, " why don't you just f?£$ off".

 

Two cows in the corner of a field. "Hey", says one, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease?". "Not me", replies the other, "can't catch it". "Hows that then?", says the first..... "Cuz I'm a tractor".

 

Two good friends out for a walk. They pass through a farm yard and when are suddenly separated. After a short search One of them finds the other in a barn committing an unspeakable act with one of the machines. "What on earth are you doing" he says. Very Embarrassed his friend replies, "me and the wife are having some trouble lately, it's been so bad I've even been to see the doctor about it". "What did he say?", asks the other friend. The red faced man says, "he told me I've got do something to a tractor".

[black5f]

Am I allowed to say breasts?

 

 

 

 

Whats the difference between breasts and model trains .......

 

Nothing! Designed for children, played with by men.

[tomparryharry]

I've just bought a static caravan.

 

Now I can take my electrical charge anywhere....

[96701]

I wish I could say I wrote this.........

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them is a horse

[black5f]

Gorgeous red head goes to the Doctors, she complains that she hurts all over! She touches her arm and yelps in pain, touches her knee and shouts louder, touches her head and lets out a scream. The doctor leans over ans says, "you're not not a natural red head are you?. "No she replies". "In fact" says the doctor, "you're natural colour is blonde?". "Yes", she says, "how did you know that?" "well", says the doctor, "I believe you have broken your finger".

[andytrains]

A drunk water otter goes into a bar and falls over.

 

People get scalded!

[andytrains]

A man walks into a bar with a large slab of asphalt under his arm.

 

He says to the barman 'A beer for me and one for the road.'

[Enterprisingwestern]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "a pint of bitter and a sponge please"

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

Scottish Jew wants to take up Golf !

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

[DavidBird]

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

 

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

 

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

 

"I want to break three."

 

"Undecipherable/Unsure of meaning"! Shame on you BR60...,

 

"I Want To Break Free", classic track by "the greatest live rock & roll band ever" (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4420308.stm)

 

Also [pride-mode] sung by my son, aged 14, in his school performance of "We Will Rock You" [/pride-mode]

[coachmann]

A bloke and his wife always attended an annual gala where there were helicopter rides, and every year the hubby said he wanted to go up and every year the wife told him £70 is £70.

 

'Sithee' he said, 'its my 70th birthday this year and a helicopter ride would round it off nicely'. She sympathised 'but £70 is £70.'

 

The pilot overheard this and said to the couple, 'Look, I'll take you up and if you dont give me any grief it will cost you absolutely nothing.'  So up they went.

 

The pilot gave it plenty of welly twisting and somersaulting thinking he would up set these two old beggars until they complained but nothing was said.

 

When they landed he turned to the bloke and said he was suprised he had said nothing......

 

'I nearly did when the wife fell out, but £70 is £70....'

Edited October 16, 2013 by coachmann

[Adams442T]

Optimists see a glass as half full

 

Pessimists see a glass as half empty

 

Politicians employ consultants who drink the rest of the glass, so they can then tell us that it's not their fault but the glass is definitely empty!

[CHAZ D]

Optimists see a glass as half full

 

Pessimists see a glass as half empty

 

Politicians employ consultants who drink the rest of the glass, so they can then tell us that it's not their fault but the glass is definitely empty!

Modellers see the glass as twice the size it needs to be

[peanuts]

man walks in to a moss side bar with a gun and shouts " right which one of you gits slept with my missus am gonna blow you away  "

 

theres a shout from the back of the room of " mate you aint got enough ammo 

[DonBradley]

Not a joke but an hilarious article I found on the net when I was looking up the difference between between Rugby League and Rugby Union; The only attribution I could find was plover.net/~bonds/rugby.html‎

 

 

rugby league vs. rugby union

I'm embarrassed, as any thinking person should be, to admit that I've watched quite a bit of televised sport lately. But for one reason or another, I've seen several games of rugby - both League and Union - over the past few weeks. And I feel myself drawn to comment on a certain sporting injustice.

First, a note for baffled Americans. Rugby is a kind of 'British Empire' version of American Football, in which two opposing teams of 250-pound hulks attempt to force an oval ball over the opponent's line - a procedure known as a 'try'. (There's more to it than that, but let's leave it there for the moment.) In 1895, rugby split into two different camps. Rugby League became a professional game with a simplified set of rules; today it is chiefly only played in Australia and northern England. Rugby Union stayed amateur and kept the original rules; today it claims to be one of the world's most widely played games, played all over the British Isles, France, Italy, South Africa, Argentina and throughout Oceania. Rubgy Union gets massive TV and media coverage; Rugby League is only covered when there's nothing else happening, and sometimes not even then.

And this is the injustice I was talking about, because Rugby League is the better game in every way. It's faster, more open, more exciting. In League, the ball is always in motion; in Union, the ball always seems to be stuck under a pile of bodies. In League, most of the points come from tries; in Union, most of the points come from penalties. League games are all-action, with barely enough time to squeeze in TV replays; Union games involve lots of standing around in bewilderment as the play gets halted for constant rule infringements.

The reason for the constant rule infringements is that Union has far too many rules. Nobody knows them all: not the players, not the commentators, and certainly not the tossers in burberry who shout 'heave' on the sidelines. Perhaps fittingly for a game played by people who grow up to be lawyers, games often hinge on the interpretation of obscure rules and precedents that are applied almost at random. It's like an ultra-violent version of Mornington Crescent.

I'm tempted to say that the more rules there are in a game, the less satisfactory it is. Chess, for example, is a very simple game, yet it is deep and rich enough to have inspired a mass of study and literature. Go is simpler and richer again. In fact, simplicity has been the key to most of the games that have inspired the popular imagination - from football to basketball, from Scrabble to Monopoly. Apart from Rugby Union, I can't think of another popular game with such a messy, patched-up ruleset. Why has this abomination survived for so long? And why has it flourished when there is a much simpler and more satisfactory alternative in Rugby League?

The answer is obvious. Rugby Union was the sport of choice in the schools that TV executives went to. Rugby Union nets the TV station a nice cachet of ABC1 viewers. Rugby Union, more than any other sport, is the preserve of the middle classes.

The truth is that despite the media hype and its status as a 'world sport', Rugby Union isn't all that popular. Nobody goes to see club matches. Internationals do get big crowds, but these are drawn from a thin social layer. And these are just the spectators: even fewer people actually play the game. In South Africa, despite lip-service to the contrary, it's a pastime exclusively for . In Britain and Ireland, despite all the media coverage, it's only played in a handful of schools - the fee-paying ones. Why hasn't Rugby Union spread to working-class schools? One reason is that the boys of Old Wesley and Old Belvedere wouldn't fancy lining up against a Ballyfermot XV. Another reason, quite simply, is that it's crap.

Like many of the entertainments to come out of British public schools, Rubgy Union is a mix of and coming-of-age ceremony. For eighty minutes, a group of public school boys undergo a series of punishing ordeals, which must be endured rather than enjoyed. To succeed, they must show courage, commitment, self-sacrifice, teamwork, individual responsibility and a number of other things they'll talk about when they become management consultants. Only when the eighty minutes are over can they call themselves men. This is the 'amateurism' to which the rugby football unions were so dedicated.

The game aspect of Rugby Union is always subordinated to this 'self-proving' aspect; even at international level, Rugby Union is less a game and more a televised Masonic ritual. The parallels with Freemasonry don't stop there, however. Once the players become too knackered to play anymore, young boys' pastime turns into old boys' network. As with a carefully contrived handshake, or the astute raising of a trouser leg, a past in Rugby Union can get you places. Many, perhaps even most, of Ireland's present knights of industry - Sir Tony O'Reilly the most prominent example - were former rugby players. It's a truism, almost a banality, to say that Rugby Union looks after its own.

Rugby League, by contrast, is played by coal-miners' sons from Wigan. Did it ever stand a chance?