The Forum Jokes Thread

[PLD]

Couldn't think of anywhere else to put this, so here goes.

 

"The rule book states that at a point where traffic may cross the hoses, ramps must be used!"

 

fire rail hose.jpg

Well you could have put it in any of the FIVE other threads it has previously been posted in!!

[APOLLO]

[kevinlms]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
 
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
 
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. 
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'   


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big a r s e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!

[PGC]

Little Johnny is still on holiday, but he's left the Easter Bunny behind to say hello!!!!!

 

[BR60103]

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, cross bunnies.

[steve1]

Since being sacked as Manchester United manager this morning, David Moyes has wasted no time and got a job with Sky,

He installs his first dish next Monday.

 

steve

[BoD]

No you heard wrong.

Farage has offered him a job with UKIP because he's very good at getting out of Europe.

[F-UnitMad]

Why does Mr Farage, as head of UKIP, pronounce his name the French way.??!!??

[Colin_McLeod]

C'est la vie

[Sheffield]

Farage? I think I have heard of him. Is he the fellow who was on the telly the other day saying people should not be allowed to come from Europe and take jobs in Britain? The one who thinks Britain should have nothing to do with the EU?

You know the chap I mean. The one who employs a Germain woman as his secretary, and makes a lot of money as a member of the European Parliament. 

[PhilJ W]

Farage? I think I have heard of him. Is he the fellow who was on the telly the other day saying people should not be allowed to come from Europe and take jobs in Britain? The one who thinks Britain should have nothing to do with the EU?

You know the chap I mean. The one who employs a Germain woman as his secretary, and makes a lot of money as a member of the European Parliament. 

I think the German woman is his wife, they might be one and the same anyway.

PS I think we had better leave it there as we are getting dangerously close to a barred subject.

[Coombe Barton]

I think the German woman is his wife, 

 Maybe that's why he wants to leave the EU 

[AndrewC]

If St George did his dragon slaying today:

 

Daily Mail - Illegal Turkish asylum seeker murders local wildlife.

[PGC]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid completely out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this could be risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the woman ,

"Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He’s just walked in the door."

[PGC]

CORPORATE LESSONS

 

Lesson number one...

 

 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit  saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing  all  day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on  the  ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

 Moral of the story:

 To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

 Lesson number two...

 

 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to  the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the  second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the  tree.

 

 Moral of the story:

  might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

 

 Lesson number three...

 

 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The  brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's  responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry  the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said,  "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the  money."

 

 And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until  finally the a**hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the  a**hole being the Boss so the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the  feet  twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed (sic!). All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the !

 

 Moral of the story:

 You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a**hole will do.

[EHertsGER]

I think the German woman is his wife, they might be one and the same anyway.

PS I think we had better leave it there as we are getting dangerously close to a barred subject.

Farrago, n'est pas?

[peanuts]

This is an extract from the diary of a BMW driver:

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.) Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?) 

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and cruising along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! 

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. 

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. 

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

[Enterprisingwestern]

I could put at least 4 like/agree etc thingies on this one.

 

Mike.

[Adams442T]

This is an extract from the diary of a BMW driver:

 

Reminds me of: 

 

Q: What's the difference between a BMW and an org&sm

 

A: Nothing much, every w&nker seems to get one eventually......................

Edited April 25, 2014 by Adams442T

[skipepsi]

Horsetan where are you?

[Enterprisingwestern]

Horsetan where are you?

 

In the outside lane of the motorway?

 

Mike.

[skipepsi]

In the outside lane of the motorway?

 

Mike.

The BMW lane.....

[AndrewC]

What's the difference between an BMW and a porcupine?

 

A porcupine's pr*cks are on the outside.

[PGC]

A French man is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

 

The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

 

American: "You French folk eat the whole bread?"

 

Frenchman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

 

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France."  The American has a smirk on his face.

 

The Frenchman listens in silence.

 

The American insists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

 

Frenchman: "Of course."

 

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't.  In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France."

 

The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with condoms once you've used them?"

 

American: "We throw them away, of course."

 

Frenchman: "We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America"

[DavidB-AU]

A very dated Cold War joke, a version of which I first heard in the 1980s.

 

 

The KGB trained a spy to plant in Wales. The researchers decided the name Jones would be inconspicuous so he was given forged papers, inserted into Wales by submarine and made his way to a small village where he could observe operations at RAF Valley.

 

Some months later a handler arrives in Wales to find out what intelligence had been gathered. He went to the address he had been given and knocked on the door.

 

The door opened and he was opened with a cheery "Good morning."

 

"Good morning," says the Russian. "Is your name Jones?"

 

"Jones, yes, that's me. Can I help you?"

 

The Russian hesitates, then says quietly "The sky is red at sunset."

 

"I beg your pardon?"

 

The Russian repeats quietly "The sky is red at sunset."

 

"Ah, I see," says the Welshman. "I'm Jones the Milk. You'll be looking for Jones the Spy. He lives next door."