The Forum Jokes Thread

[JZ]

Phoned my solicitor the other day. "Could I ask you a couple of questions without you charging me?"

"Yes. What's the other one?"

Edited July 18, 2014 by JZ

[PGC]

For the Scientists amongst you, here is a question: is Hell exothermic?

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term exam.  The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

 

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

 

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

 

The student received the only "A" given.

[bluebottle]

You know how nobody really knows what causes planes to fly? Well, I think that they are carried by angels which are specially trained by God. The angels listen in to the conversations on the planes and if someone says that God doesn't exist the angels let the plane fall to the ground. This is a very good theory in that it accounts both for why planes fly and why they crash.

 

Edit: typos

Edited July 18, 2014 by bluebottle

[jwealleans]

 

the fact that I still have not succeeded

The version I heard, he had. 

[Taz]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches

I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to

stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

 

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire

in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?"

 

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps

into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before..

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even

better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

..

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

.

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

.

.

.

.

 

His funeral service will be held Tomorrow

[Taz]

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said

 

“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

 

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

 

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

 

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

 

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

 

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive..

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr!ck."

Edited July 18, 2014 by Taz

[Horsetan]

Phoned my solicitor the other day. "Could I ask you a couple of questions without you charging me?"

"Yes. What's the other one?"

That is not a joke....

 

 

 

 

.....I actually answered an enquiry in that vein.

[kevinlms]

That is not a joke....

 

 

 

 

.....I actually answered an enquiry in that vein.

I don't doubt it.

It's annoying when potential customers start telling you what standards, you need to carry out various trades to. One asked me if I would supply him, on completion, with a particular advice advising that it met certain standards. I replied along the lines that I would not, and explained that particular advice referred to a different trade (although somewhat similar) and that I wasn't qualified to use that advice.

I told him that the requested work, required compliance to a different standard & I would give him that advice instead. I quickly got accused of not meeting the legal requirements.

I sent him a link, explaining the standard required and the compliance notification requirements (basically a statement, stating that the materials & parts used, meet the current standards) & politely advised him to find someone else. Some 'customers', just aren't worth the potential trouble, then they complain that 'you can't get good tradesmen'.

[Horsetan]

... they complain that 'you can't get good tradesmen who will tell you what you want to hear'.

There, that's better....

[Bernard Lamb]

I don't doubt it.

It's annoying when potential customers start telling you what standards, you need to carry out various trades to. One asked me if I would supply him, on completion, with a particular advice advising that it met certain standards.

Oh, we have all had those.

This is typical.

An enquiry from an agency. I want this job to be built to the US standard rather than the European standard.

We say very politely. Go away.

Potential client is furious and gets in touch directly rather than through the agency.

We then explain to him that his building is located in a known earth quake zone and that the American code of practice does not cover such things.

He then sacks the agency. We scrap the original plans and draw up a design that will both meet his needs and satisfy the authorities.

Bernard

[peter220950]

If ever I am having work carried out on my house I always ensure that I employ highly qualified and experienced builders.......................

 

[Allegheny1600]

I don't doubt it.

It's annoying when potential customers start telling you what standards, you need to carry out various trades to. One asked me if I would supply him, on completion, with a particular advice advising that it met certain standards. I replied along the lines that I would not, and explained that particular advice referred to a different trade (although somewhat similar) and that I wasn't qualified to use that advice.

I told him that the requested work, required compliance to a different standard & I would give him that advice instead. I quickly got accused of not meeting the legal requirements.

I sent him a link, explaining the standard required and the compliance notification requirements (basically a statement, stating that the materials & parts used, meet the current standards) & politely advised him to find someone else. Some 'customers', just aren't worth the potential trouble, then they complain that 'you can't get good tradesmen'.

A case of "A little knowledge (on the customers part) is a dangerous thing"

You have my sympathies!

Cheers,

John E.

[PhilJ W]

When I holidayed in Malta a few years ago I saw someone painting the building opposite the hotel about 4 floors up. he was standing on a plank about 6" X 3' with a rope tied around each end suspended from the roof. He was nonchalantly swinging from side to side to paint a greater area. I asked one of the hotel barmen what would happen if he fell off, his reply was "He's a Tunisian, we'll just scrape him up and get another one."

[Arthur]

 

A young guy playing golf takes a high speed ball right in the wedding tackle. Dropping to the ground he writhes in agony. Within an hour he's at A&E desperately seeking reassurance.

 

Doc, he says, will it be okay, I'm getting married on Saturday and my fiancé is a virgin, a sweet, innocent girl. I really don't want to spoil the wedding night.

 

Well, looking at the bent and bruised member, we'll need to splint it, replies the Doc, but it should be fine by then.

 

The doc takes some medical glue and some wooden tongue depressors and fashions four splints, top, bottom and either side. Some cut down bits form a nice framework around it and he even fashions a panel to protect the end. Rest it, he says, and you should be fine.

 

The man keeps the incident to himself, not wishing to worry his fiancé as the big day approaches.

 

Come the big night his new bride tears off her blouse revealing a perfect body. Darling, she says, no-one has touched these, I've saved myself for you!

 

Grinning wildly, the groom drops his pants, And look at this he says......still in the crate!!

[Colin_McLeod]

Mint unused, still in the box.

[andytrains]

A Swiss hippie backpacker was walking across a farmers field when it got dark.

The hippie asked the farmer if he could spend the night and he said yes but he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter.

The farmer told him, "If you molest my daughter I'll shoot you!"

That night the hippie and the farmers daughter got into bed together and the farmer could hear the goings on from the next room.

In the morning the farmer opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sex with my daughter?"

The hippie decided to be honest: "Yes, I did. Please forgive me."

The farmer took him out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him.

"Have you got any last words?" he asked.

The Swiss hippie said, "Yodelayheehoo!"

The farmer then shot him.

When the Police arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sex with his daughter.

The farmer said, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him screwing Debbie. I was just going to scare him a little,

but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off."

[Tom D]

^{Do you have a dirty mind???}

 

^{An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a count as part of his physical exam.}

^{The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.'}

^{The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.}

^{The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.}

^{'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.}

^{'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'}

^{The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'}

 

^{The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.'}

 

 

[Merc435]

A 75 year old man goes to the Doctor.

 

"What seems to be the problem?" The GP asks.

 

"My wife and I have lost interest in Sex, Doctor." The man replies.

 

"I see!" Says the Doctor, "When did you first notice this?"

 

"Twice last night and another three times this morning!"

[raymw]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for a burger. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lived on the same street and they might see her.

 

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys, discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were a lot of cute girls.

 

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym, and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

 

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses were really good looking.

 

Ten years later, now 55, —Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

 

Ten years later, at 65 years—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

 

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, — Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

 

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[raymw]

watch to the end http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=40562#.U9IQdU10zIU

[Colin_McLeod]

watch to the end http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=40562#.U9IQdU10zIU

 

I just see a blank screen

[Tom D]

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.
 
 The older boy leans over and  asks, 
                  
"What are you having  done?"
 
 The second boy says, "I'm getting  my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
 
 The first boy says, "You've got  nothing to worry about. 
                
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when  you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and  ice cream. It's a breeze."
 
 The second boy then asks, "What  are you going in for?"
 
 The first boy says,  "Circumcision."
 
 "Whoa!" the smaller boy  replies. "Good luck, buddy.  I had  that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."   

[PhilJ W]

Although this is in German you will get it, daughter has just bought dad a new i-pad. >>

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965

[Colin_McLeod]

What can she say?  The man is happy with his present. You could not get cross. No point as it is probably ruined anyway.

[newbryford]

What do you call a man who always tells the truth?

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Divorced.

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

Edited July 28, 2014 by newbryford