DonB Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Many years ago,a tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 A friend from Batley sent me this link I've a feeling he wished it were true... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 12, 2014 Many years ago,a tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. This joke was here last week. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
sir douglas Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 theres been soooo many versions of that scene Ray, there was one not so long ago about the scarborough spa express but i cant find it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 12, 2014 (edited) A friend from Batley sent me this link I've a feeling he wished it were true... Thanks for sharing that. One of the best Downfall parodies I've ever seen.......... Cheers, Mick (and I'm from from Lancashire!) theres been soooo many versions of that scene Ray, there was one not so long ago about the scarborough spa express but i cant find it There's also a good one about rest-day working at First GW........ Cheers, Mick Edited September 12, 2014 by newbryford 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 (edited) There are loads of 'Hitler parodies' .... including one about his Model Railroad Club converting to DCC... Edited September 12, 2014 by F-UnitMad 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2014 This joke was here last week. Perhaps we should start again with a new thread? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2014 Perhaps we should start again with a new thread? Is that the five minute thread or the full half hour? Cheers, Mick 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2014 Is that the five minute thread or the full half hour? Cheers, Mick Try this one! http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/48144-whacky-signs/?p=1578108 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 The Ultimate Blonde Joke (apparently!) A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports-car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting more & more agitated. "What does it look like" she finally asked. The Policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Policewoman, "Here it is" she said. The blonde Officer looked at the mirror for a moment, then handed it back saying "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"! (probably been done before but searching various terms bring nothing up for me!) Cheers, John E. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Another one that tickles me! Ex blonde, now mostly grey or fallen out!!!! Three blondes are walking through the woods when they see a set of tracks on the ground. The first blonde says "These are bear tracks. Trust me." The second blonde says no, silly. These are deer tracks. My dad used to take me hunting!" The third blonde says "You're both wrong. They're Wolf tracks."They were still arguing when the train hit them... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
runs as required Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 The teacher ... took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....." Way Aye! Any other Mackem lad would do the same. dhig Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Another one that tickles me! Ex blonde, now mostly grey or fallen out!!!! Three blondes are walking through the woods when they see a set of tracks on the ground. The first blonde says "These are bear tracks. Trust me." The second blonde says no, silly. These are deer tracks. My dad used to take me hunting!" The third blonde says "You're both wrong. They're Wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them... I just spat my ritz biscuit over my iPad.......cheers ...... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 A gamekeeper saw a beautiful blonde lounging naked against a tree stump. He asked if she was game. She said yes so he shot her . . . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 If Scotland gains its independence in the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" .......or FUK. In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Government has now begun to campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, for FUK's sake" They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Allegedly true, but at best an 'urban myth' (a city dwelimg girl with a lisp): A young lady was caught speeding by a cop in one of the southern states. After the usual dialogue (see, I'm not all American, you know) the conversation turned to the possibility of her evading the usual ticket. Fluttering eyelashes and skirt hitching followed, along with such comments as; 'What happens if I buy some tickets to the Police Department Ball, officer?' in her most coquettish voice (not many American girls can do 'coquettish' so bear withe me). The cop, a fine upstanding example of that particular state's law enforcement community answered her succinctly: 'The Police Department in this state doesn't have balls ma'am' Considering for a moment the impact of this statement should matters ever come to court the officer then decided to let her off with a warning. Best, Marcus Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 (edited) If Scotland gains its independence in the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the"Former United Kingdom" .......or FUK.In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Government has now begun to campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, forFUK's sake"They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.Similarly, the education establishment formely known as UCCA (something else already so that dates me - heck, nobody else will...) will henceforth be known as the Former United Kingdom Universities. Scottish students will therefore be required to fill in their FUKU forms... Edited September 16, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 In a similar vein the oil companies currently drilling for oil and natural gas will be required to form a consortium in order to continue existing contracts with Scotland's oilfields. The consortium will be known as the Former United Kingdom Offshore consortium. You can guess the shortened version, I am sure... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 (edited) The question, remains, therefore, as to whether the remaining parliamentary bodies, in an effort to retain some form of unity among England, Wales and Northern Ireland, will band together to the create the Former United Kingdom Union of Parliaments... Once again, the resulting acronym is pretty obvious... Edited September 16, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 ....And the Scotland Football team will be jointly sponsored by a major Oil Company, a clothing company and United Parcels, henceforth they will be known as Total, FCUK UPS. so no change there. Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CUTLER2579 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Not a joke,but will make many smile. Today's question on "Ask Jeeves" :- What are Aboriginal men not allowed to do? Answer :- Aboriginal men are not allowed to see or speak to their mothers-in-law. Lucky Sods. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium skipepsi Posted September 17, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 17, 2014 Hell on earth not to be able to say enough with the voice already! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welchester Posted September 18, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 18, 2014 Similarly, the education establishment formely known as UCCA (something else already so that dates me - heck, nobody else will...) will henceforth be known as the Former United Kingdom Universities. Scottish students will therefore be required to fill in their FUKU forms... I worked there every summer for six years. What a FUCCA. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 19, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 19, 2014 Alex Salmond was right. Scotland are still using the pound.............. Cheers, Mick 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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