ginger j Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 It's Puns o'clock with Harry Potter now! A new book has just been released by J.K Rowling, titled 'Harry Potter and the Tearable Puns'. The book contains 300 pages of puns on perforated paper, so they can be removed from the book and placed wherever you want. ----- A new chocolate bar has been released recently to coincide with the latest potter movie. It has been named the 'BellaTwix' ----- Harry Potter had a hangover after one too many pints down at the pub. Unable to move from his bed to make a coffee, he reached for his wand. Waving it, he recited "expresso patronum ----- The most popular wizarding band, the Four Muggles, has just employed a new drum player. His name? Albus Drumbledore ----- Hermione Granger announced she was off to bed. Malfoy, ever the opportunist. sneakily asked "can I slytherin?" ----- What class of wizard is ground soil? A Mudblood! ----- Professor Snape told Dumbledore some bad news. Dumbledore asked Snape, "are you serious?". Snape replied "no, I'm Severus" Sorting Hat, Invisibility Cloak, door! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted October 29, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 29, 2014 It was the funeral of the local traffic warden. Just as the vicar was about to throw soil in with the "Dust to dust" routine he heard a loud banging from the coffin and a voice wailed in terror, "Help, help, I'm not dead, there's been a terrible mistake." The vicar paused, wondered what he could possibly do then said, with a wry smile, "Sorry, but the paper work has already been done." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted October 30, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 30, 2014 and instead of coffee, he got the Flying Scotsman. Harry Potter had a hangover after one too many pints down at the pub. Unable to move from his bed to make a coffee, he reached for his wand. Waving it, he recited "expresso patronum Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger j Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Return of the (Correctly Spelled) Puns! I love Starbucks' frappuccinos. The trouble is, it mochas me fat. ---- A conversation went as following: Person A: I just electrocuted myself Person B: How shocking. How do you currently feel? A: I'm kind of amped B: Watt sorry I can't hear you A: I said it hertz a lot ----- The council has released plans for a new Wind Farm renewable energy plant outside the town. I'm a huge fan. ----- Batman hosted the 6pm BBC News Weather bulletin as part of a charity event. The forecast was for a dark knight ----- Italian rail firms have just announced that as part of the nation's revamp of the railways, all trains will now run on thyme Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Oh no, it's half term, but Little Jonny still keeps going!!!!!!! :-) Little Jonny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. On Saturday morning his grandmother decided to take him to the park as it had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. As they were walking through the park, Jonny’s grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Jonny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Jonny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Little Jonny has a sister, Lucy. She's far more up-standing the Little Jonny! Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, honey, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat, saying “Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You know, Little Jonny is such a naughty boy!!!!!! Little Johnny kept disrupting his school class by regularly letting off loud farts. His teacher got fed up with this, so kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher said, "If I show you I can fart better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed, so the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew most of the pile of chalk dust off the paper. Then, the teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted, and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 ........and the older he gets, the worse he gets!!!!!!! Teacher was explaining multi-syllable words to her class. "You all know single-syllable words like hand, foot, house, and dog, but some words are made up of more than one syllable," she said. "Now who can give me an example of a word made up of MORE than one syllable." Little Jonny raised his hand eagerly. "All right, Jonny, go ahead," grimaced teacher. "Autoeroticism," beamed little Jonny. "My goodness, Jonny, that's a mouthful," marvelled teacher. "No, Miss, autoeroticism is the same as masturbati0n," explained Jonny. "You're thinking of a bl0wjob." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I was in my local last night and got chatting to this transvestite from Lancashire. He had a Wigan address. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Knock,knock. . "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock,knock. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted November 1, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2014 Knock,knock. . "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock,knock. I've heard that before... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Apparently if you type into Google,"Lost servant boy.".....,it comes up "Page not found". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 They say the Adam's Apple is how you can spot a Transvestite. Personally I think it's b*ll*cks. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 A scouser is driving along when he notices he is being followed by a police car. The police car follows him for a mile and a half before activating his blues and twos and pulling him over. The officer approaches the car and bends down to speak to the driver when he notices a dog sitting on the front passenger seat with the scouser hitting the dog. He asks him why he is hitting the dog and the scouser replies,"because he's just eaten my bloody tax disc". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 why do Scotsmen wear kilts ? cos sheep can hear a zipper at a thousand paces Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Well! They don't wear kilts in Derbyshire! (must have developed other techniques!). Cheers, John E, formerly of Derbyshire! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Mothers....... The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??" The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?" Mama says immediately, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?" Mama replies: "I don't like her." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted November 1, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2014 A scouser is driving along when he notices he is being followed by a police car. The police car follows him for a mile and a half before activating his blues and twos and pulling him over. The officer approaches the car and bends down to speak to the driver when he notices a dog sitting on the front passenger seat with the scouser hitting the dog. He asks him why he is hitting the dog and the scouser replies,"because he's just eaten my bloody tax disc". That is no longer a joke, as you don't need to display a tax disc any more. However you do need to have paid your road fund licence. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 A woman buys her husband two ties for his birthday, a red one and a blue one. He likes them both but puts on the blue one and goes downstairs. His wife takes one look at him and says "What was wrong with the red one???" steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 1, 2014 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) That is no longer a joke, as you don't need to display a tax disc any more. However you do need to have paid your road fund licence.Well it is still a joke in Ireland where we still have the quaint custom of road tax discs, and also insurance discs and and NCT (MOT) discs. PS not so many scousers here though. Edited November 1, 2014 by Colin_McLeod Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 That is no longer a joke, as you don't need to display a tax disc any more. However you do need to have paid your road fund licence. Do we have a humour bypass button? Phil Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 A scouser is driving along when he notices he is being followed by a police car. The police car follows him for a mile and a half before activating his blues and twos and pulling him over. The officer approaches the car and bends down to speak to the driver when he notices a dog sitting on the front passenger seat with the scouser hitting the dog. He asks him why he is hitting the dog and the scouser replies,"because he's just eaten my bloody tax disc". That is no longer a joke, as you don't need to display a tax disc any more. However you do need to have paid your road fund licence. Do we have a humour bypass button? Phil Oh, I love it when we start deconstructing jokes! - As long as they're not my jokes, of course ... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 1, 2014 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2014 Is there a speed limit on the humour bypass? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted November 1, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2014 No, just a heavy toll. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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