The Forum Jokes Thread

[Simon G]

One from my boss at work today:

 

I complemented a work colleague on their 'Movember' moustache today.    She was not amused!

[kevinlms]

Pensioner's Holiday


A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old

gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous  

 

destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop,

 

 

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."

 

He took them inside and asked his secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel."

 

Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old I had to share the room with?"
 

 

 

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING !

[CathcartCircle]

Enough said! Genuine 1964 ad apparently!

Edited November 26, 2014 by CathcartCircle

[peanuts]

Q how big is a zebra ?

 

 

 

 

A  about 26 sizes bigger than an  "A" bra !

[Titan]

Q how big is a zebra ?

 

 

 

 

A  about 26 sizes bigger than an  "A" bra !

 

 

Being exceptionally pedatic - but what the hell this is the joke thread!!  - Should that not be 51 times bigger if you count AA, BB, CC etc. etc. ?

[luckymucklebackit]

Being exceptionally pedatic - but what the hell this is the joke thread!!  - Should that not be 51 times bigger if you count AA, BB, CC etc. etc. ?

 

Your cup runneth over methinks

 

Jim

[BoD]

Being exceptionally pedatic - but what the hell this is the joke thread!!  - Should that not be 51 times bigger if you count AA, BB, CC etc. etc. ?

 

Shouldn't that be pedantic.

[shortliner]

Forecasting 101 - Gonna be a Cold Winter

 

 

 

 

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote

reservation in South Dakota asked their

new chief if the coming winter was going

to be cold or mild.

 

Since he was a chief in a modern society,

he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't

tell what the winter was going to be like.

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he

told his tribe that the winter was indeed

going to be cold and that the members of

the village should collect firewood to be

prepared.

 

But, being a practical leader, after several

days, he got an idea. He went to the

phone booth, called the National Weather

Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter

going to be cold?'

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be

quite cold,' the meteorologist at the

weather service responded.

 

So the chief went back to his people and

told them to collect even more firewood

in order to be prepared.

 

A week later, he called the National

Weather Service again. 'Does it still look

like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather

Service again replied, 'it's going to be a

very cold winter.'

 

The chief again went back to his people

and ordered them to collect every scrap

of firewood they could find.

 

Two weeks later, the chief called the

National Weather Service again. 'Are

you absolutely sure that the winter is

going to be very cold?'

 

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's

looking more and more like it is going

to be one of the coldest winters we've

ever seen.'

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief

asked.

 

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians

are collecting a shedload of firewood !'

Edited November 27, 2014 by shortliner

[Titan]

Shouldn't that be pedantic.

 

Yes it should. And even more anoyingly it was not the trap I set for the even more pedantic to fall in to!!!!!! Damn typo....

[PGC]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota ask their new chief if the coming winter is going to be cold or mild.

As a chief in a modern society, he has never been taught the old secrets so when he looks at the sky, he can't tell what the winter is going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he tells his tribe that the winter is indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

However, being a practical and cautious leader, after several days, he gets an idea, goes to the phone booth, calls the National Weather Service and asks, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service replies, so the chief goes back to his people and tells them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

A week later, Chief calls the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replies, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

 

The chief again goes back to his people and orders them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief calls the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the weatherman replies. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asks.

The weatherman replies, 'The Indians are collecting a sh!t load of firewood!'

[F-UnitMad]

We've had repeat jokes on this thread quite a few times, when they are several pages back/months/years old.... but a repeat from 2 posts back..???!!!???

 

Pedant Alert - yes I know it's almost a repeat; Jack's didn't use a naughty word....

[kevinlms]

Yes it should. And even more anoyingly it was not the trap I set for the even more pedantic to fall in to!!!!!! Damn typo....

Anoyingly?

 

Perhaps you need to press keys harder? Or quit while behind!

 

[Colin_McLeod]

_{Give the man a brake.}

 

_{Or should that be break?}

[Titan]

I am starting to wonder if the 'n' key on my keyboard is working intermittetly...., 

[bluebottle]

We've had repeat jokes on this thread quite a few times, when they are several pages back/months/years old.... but a repeat from 2 posts back..???!!!???

 

Pedant Alert - yes I know it's almost a repeat; Jack's didn't use a naughty word....

 

That Alzheimer's is terrible enough, without Tourette's as a chaser! 

 

Hey - did you hear the one about the Indians, the new chief and the weather forecast?

[kevinlms]

Hey - did you hear the one about the Indians, the new chief and the weather forecast?

No, do tell!

[gazmanjack]

Well, there was this new Indian Chief....

[Enterprisingwestern]

I am starting to wonder if the 'n' key on my keyboard is working intermittetly...., 

 

o it is't.

 

Mike.

[Ian Smeeton]

I  have a problem with the U key on my keyboard.

 

The wife is happy, it means that I can't fcking swear

 

Regards

 

Ian

[BOARD OF TRADE]

I went down to London at the weekend for a bit of a break with "she who will not be contradicted".

Amongst other things we went to The National Portrait Gallery,very nice.

There was a new portrait of Tony Blair on exhibition.

It was an excellent painting but quite spooky really because "the lies followed you all around the room".

[GarrettTheThief]

What has six arms, six legs and two heads?

 

Nirvana.

[DonB]

Job Application

 

At a prestigious wine cellar, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a non-vintage Pinot Champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and, if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Sidecar Racer]

BIOLOGY EXAM:

. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

 

The last question was,

'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points

or none at all.

 

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang

indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the

ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[PGC]

I've checked, and I don't think anyone else has posted this (see posts 2788 and 2790 if you're wondering what I'm talking about! :-) )

 

A man and a woman are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
 

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?”

 

“Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

[PGC]

Business Man: What is your name?

 

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

 

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

 

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

 

Business Man: How close?

 

Hostess: Same price!