PGC Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling,.......... bet she changes her mind A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about some sex before you go?" The woman was angry and said, "No! Sod off you filthy old man." The tramp turned to leave and said, "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." .....bet the tramp hopes she doesn't! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 One of my cousins works in an old people's home and has started giving all the old men there Viagra at night. It's not so they can have sex. It's just to stop them rolling out of bed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) So this Eastern dude gets off the stagecoach in the little single-street town in the Wild West, and the first thing he sees is a genuwine rootin' tootin' cowpoke swaggering along the sidewalk. The dude gapes at the weather-beaten tough guy, with his ten-gallon hat, checked shirt, faded Levis weskit and pants, spurs on his boots and a Colt .45 Peacemaker in the holster strapped to his thigh. Our tenderfoot stops a passer-by and asks: “Do you see that big fellow over there?” “What, big Tex? Best you stay clear of him, stranger; he's a real mean hombre.” “But can you tell me where I can get duds like his?” “Sure, the general store over there.” He hurries across to the store, and half an hour later comes out dressed like a smaller version of big Tex. Seeing Tex going into the saloon, he follows him, ducking as Tex hauls out his gun and announces his arrival with a shot into the ceiling. The newcomer copies this, but shoots through the rope holding up the chandelier. This falls on Tex, knocking him out. The bartender leans out, shakes his head sadly and says to the dude: “Having trouble with your shootin' iron, stranger? Let me give you some advice. File down the gunsight. Yuh don't need that. Then, file off the trigger guard”. “Yes, yes. Will that help me to shoot straighter?” “Nope, but it'll hurt a lot less when big Tex shoves it up your ass.” Edit: typo. Edited December 12, 2014 by bluebottle Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted December 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 12, 2014 One of my cousins works in an old people's home and has started giving all the old men there Viagra at night. It's not so they can have sex. It's just to stop them rolling out of bed. Sorry Horsetan, I don't find this funny. My 92 year old Grandad is about to spend his first Christmas in a home because he has dementia. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 One of my cousins works in an old people's home and has started giving all the old men there Viagra at night. It's not so they can have sex. It's just to stop them rolling out of bed. Sorry Horsetan, I don't find this funny. My 92 year old Grandad is about to spend his first Christmas in a home because he has dementia. When I've pointed out in the past that one can use the search facility to check whether a joke has been posted before (this is the fourth posting of this one, by the way), the response has generally been unfavourable. As Welly referenced the joke he understandably disliked, his post would also come up in any future search. A useful effect that hadn't occurred to me before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted December 12, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 12, 2014 Sorry Horsetan, I don't find this funny. My 92 year old Grandad is about to spend his first Christmas in a home because he has dementia. So we don't make jokes about anything in case someone gets upset, it will be a sadder world. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Taz Posted December 12, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 12, 2014 So we don't make jokes about anything in case someone gets upset, it will be a sadder world. Mike. Indeed. To quote Frank Skinner "I once knew a girl whose parents were killed in a car accident whilst swerving to avoid a chicken crossing the road" Where do you draw the line? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 One of my cousins works in an old people's home and has started giving all the old men there Viagra at night. It's not so they can have sex. It's just to stop them rolling out of bed. Must be a cheap skate home - the decent ones give them hot chocolate as well tl help them sleep!!!!! Phil Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Must be a cheap skate home - the decent ones give them hot chocolate as well tl help them sleep!!!!! Phil Hey, that's a sneaky joke recycle, Phil! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 12, 2014 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) Sorry Horsetan, I don't find this funny. My 92 year old Grandad is about to spend his first Christmas in a home because he has dementia. So we don't make jokes about anything in case someone gets upset, it will be a sadder world. Mike. Welly, you have my sympathy and understanding, but it’s a fact of life that there are jokes about the unpleasant things in life. Post # 2830 was about suicide and post mortem rape, but no one complained. Various other jokes about car crashes, death, the Titanic sinking, etc (see most of this thread for examples) have either been laughed at or not depending on whether the reader thought the joke funny. Horsetan’s joke was not particularly about dementia nor about spending Christmas in a home and I am sure it was not aimed at either you or your Granddad. While your Granddad’s situation may be causing you understandable sadness and you are not alone in that regard, nonetheless humour goes on for others. I’ve no doubt some day it will be my turn or Horsetan’s turn or Enterprisingwestern’s turn for sadness, but that will not be a reason for everyone else to restrict their input to this thread so long are we are not grossly insensitive about something we should be aware of. Edit for typo Edited December 13, 2014 by Colin_McLeod Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pointstaken Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Welly, you have my sympathy and understanding, but it’s a fact of life that there are jokes about the unpleasant things in life. Post # 2830 was about suicide and post mortem rape, but no one complained. Various other jokes about car crashes, death, the Titanic sinking, etc (see most of this thread for examples) have either been laughed at or not depending on whether the reader thought the joke funny. Horestan’s joke was not particularly about dementia nor about spending Christmas in a home and I am sure it was not aimed at either you or your Granddad. While your Granddad’s situation may be causing you understandable sadness and you are not alone in that regard, nonetheless humour goes on for others. I’ve no doubt some day it will be my turn or Horestan’s turn or Enterprisingwestern’s turn for sadness, but that will not be a reason for everyone else to restrict their input to this thread so long are we are not grossly insensitive about something we should be aware of. Hence the phrase "gallows humour". Humour is often the only dividing line between sanity and despair, so do not take these things personally. Dennis Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted December 12, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 12, 2014 Humour is often the only dividing line between sanity and despair Oh so true. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 12, 2014 Post # 2830 was about suicide and post mortem rape, but no one complained. Various other jokes about car crashes, death, the Titanic sinking, etc (see most of this thread for examples) have either been laughed at or not depending on whether the reader thought the joke funny. For which I was a little surprised. I didn't find Post #2830, funny at all, but didn't complain. But amazed no one else has publicly done so. I agree with your comments about jokes not being aimed at groups on RMweb at all. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted December 13, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 13, 2014 For which I was a little surprised. I didn't find Post #2830, funny at all, but didn't complain. But amazed no one else has publicly done so. I agree with your comments about jokes not being aimed at groups on RMweb at all. But 11 people did find it funny, everyone's humour is different and in the past when being present at a railway suicide the "banter" was not for the sensitive. I can't stand "Mrs Browns boys" and don't find it funny at all and yet others think it's hilarious . . . . . . . . . .Father Ted on the other hand is pure comedy gold. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted December 13, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 13, 2014 I can't stand "Mrs Browns boys" and don't find it funny at all and yet others think it's hilarious . . . . . . . . . .Father Ted on the other hand is pure comedy gold. I'm exactly the opposite, doesn't make me or Dave right or wrong. As proved on the forum, humour is a very personal thing. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
fender Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 has no one seen the Woody Allen classic, Crimes and Misdemeanours? In it, Alan Alda's character gives the formula for comedy: joke = tragedy + time Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 13, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 13, 2014 joke = tragedy + time It is said that you can always judge the seriousness of a tragedy by the length of time it takes for the jokes to start appearing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merc435 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 You know what really makes me sick? Drinking a pint of warm soapy water and then shoving my fingers down my throat! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 joke = tragedy + time There was these two brothers, one called Cane and the other called Able - Look just say if I've not left it long enough? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 A Christmas Tradition When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not many people know this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted December 14, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 14, 2014 Sorry to disagree, but the second one was called Abel. I suppose when god put that mark on him, he was disabled. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Sorry to disagree, but the second one was called Abel. I suppose when god put that mark on him, he was disabled. It was a deliberate subtle change to avoid copyright Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 14, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 14, 2014 It was a deliberate subtle change to avoid copyright I believe the copyright on that joke has long since expired! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Sorry to disagree, but the second one was called Abel. I suppose when god put that mark on him, he was disabled. And the first was Cain, not Cane, and it was Cain who received God's mark, for his own protection from the wrath of others because he had murdered his brother Abel. Sheesh, you people really know how to kill a joke, don't you? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pointstaken Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Can we now get back to the subject of this thread please, which is I believe "jokes", and stop pointless and futile arguing about nothing ? Dennis Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now