Jamiel Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have an idea for a new TV game show.We get a serial killer to murder members of the West Ham football team, he then buries them in a residential area. Contestants have to try and find the bodies.It's called 'Hammers under the Homes'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 22, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 22, 2015 I have an idea for a new TV game show. We get a serial killer to murder members of the West Ham football team, he then buries them in a residential area. Contestants have to try and find the bodies. It's called 'Hammers under the Homes'. Perhaps it will improve their recent performance! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Love is grand. Divorce is 400 grand! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE POST-BUDGET GLOOM! 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Two ladies meeting for coffee. One from Kelvinside, Glasgow, the other from Morningside, Edinburgh. Kelvinside Lady: "Och, our rates are just terrible! Do you have big rates in Morningside?" Morningside Lady: "Heavens no! There are no rates in Morningside. Maybe a few small maice, but no rates." Ahh, Morningside, where sex is something you put your rubbish in! Jim 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Not a joke per say, but humorous all the same! http://www.surrey.police.uk/News/News-Stories/Full-news-story/Article/11069/Man-charged-following-public-order-offence-in-Dorking Check the name, the Shamen would be proud!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Ahh, Morningside, where sex is something you put your rubbish in! Jim And a creche is a collision between two cars. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeremyC Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 And a creche is a collision between two cars. No! No! A creche is an interection between two motor vehicles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Surely a creche is something one's driver has? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Hamish's mother call him from Aberdeen and asks, "How's the flat you're living in in London?" Hamish replies, "It's okay, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." His mother says, "Never mind, don't you let them get to you, ignore them." Hamish replies, "Aye, that I do, I just keep playing my bagpipes". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Hamish's mother call him from Aberdeen and asks, "How's the flat you're living in in London?" Hamish replies, "It's okay, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." His mother says, "Never mind, don't you let them get to you, ignore them." Hamish replies, "Aye, that I do, I just keep playing my bagpipes". Reminds me of a true story... During the last war my late father was out east in the Royal Navy and was attached to a Naval Commando Unit for a while. They had been out on a gruelling patrol and on returning to their base camp the Seaforth Highlanders said they would stand guard to allow all the commandos to get a good night's sleep. Anyway the Seaforth's duly changed the guard at 4 a.m. with bagpipes! Apparently said piper was hit by several boots being thrown at him! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 A gypsy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The gypsy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The gypsy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!" Murphy says to the gypsy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK ... so where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says .... "Now look in this guy's pocket!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 In Ireland a yellow line at the curb means no parking. Two yellow lines means no parking at all. Three yellow lines means no parking at all, at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free. Later that night, on her way out, the wife passes the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on £800 a year .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Is it true that Stevie G and the other strange looking guy - Skrtel - have been offered contracts by Stanley Gibbons? We should be told . . . . Stan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Is it true that Stevie G and the other strange looking guy - Skrtel - have been offered contracts by Stanley Gibbons? We should be told . . . . Stan steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 They'll also be signing up Phil Attelly, I presume? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 25, 2015 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 25, 2015 One for you Deadly Duck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 An elderly man named Sam lived on a large farm in Florida by himself. He had a large pond in his backyard. This pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and apple trees. Late one evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He also grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he got close to the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he got a little closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. So the farmer made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” Sam frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up Sam said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.” Some old men can still think fast!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. And last... but not least: 12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. ...To test this theory... ...Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour... ...Then open it and see who's happy to see you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike morley Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Viagra is now available in eye-drop form. It makes you look hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike morley Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Viagra and Valium have now been combined into a single tablet. It means that if you don't get a f***, you don't give a f*** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike morley Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Two blondes walked into a bar . . . You'd have thought one of them would have noticed it.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Reminds me of a true story... During the last war my late father was out east in the Royal Navy and was attached to a Naval Commando Unit for a while. They had been out on a gruelling patrol and on returning to their base camp the Seaforth Highlanders said they would stand guard to allow all the commandos to get a good night's sleep. Anyway the Seaforth's duly changed the guard at 4 a.m. with bagpipes! Apparently said piper was hit by several boots being thrown at him! Dave There's a time and a place for everything ... About half a century ago, I talked with a chap who was among the Airborne troops who took and held the Bénouville (later renamed Pegasus) and Ranville bridges in the early hours of D-Day. Lightly armed, they waited apprehensively until they heard the skirl of Lord Lovat's personal piper leading the relieving commando force . "And do you know," he said, " I've never heard such sweet music in my life!" 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp1 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 There's a time and a place for everything ... About half a century ago, I talked with a chap who was among the Airborne troops who took and held the Bénouville (later renamed Pegasus) and Ranville bridges in the early hours of D-Day. Lightly armed, they waited apprehensively until they heard the skirl of Lord Lovat's personal piper leading the relieving commando force . "And do you know," he said, " I've never heard such sweet music in my life!" Then there's this one:http://battlefields1418.50megs.com/dlaidlaw.htm http://www.pipesofwar.com/piper-of-loos/history.php 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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