The Forum Jokes Thread

[cromptonnut]

A new army recruit is running round a corner and bumps into the Sergeant Major, knocking him to the floor.

 

Dusting himself off, the Sergeant Major gets up and yells at the new recruit "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

 

"n.n.no Sir", answers the new recruit nervously.

 

The Sergeant Major gives his name, rank and number followed by his titles and an impressive list of military campaigns he has served in.

 

"Do you know who I am, Sir?" asks the new recruit.

 

"No, I do not" replies the Sergeant Major.

 

"Good", says the new recruit, as he legs it into the distance.

Edited April 13, 2015 by cromptonnut

[bluebottle]

We haven't had an anecdote for a while …

The late Victor Spinetti, as well as being a versatile character actor, was a highly respected poet and a polished anecdotalist. He was also a compatriot and close friend of Richard Burton, who teased him about his Italian surname –

“You're not Welsh – whoever heard of a Welshman called Spinetti?” – somewhat to Victor's annoyance.

But then Burton picked up a manuscript of one of Victor's poems and read it with interest.

“Did you write this?” he asked. Spinetti nodded. “Would you mind if I gave it a reading at tonight's dinner?”

Victor assented delightedly, and Burton's recitation was warmly applauded by the evening's guests, one of whom asked who had composed such a fine piece of work.

Burton replied:

“Oh... that bloody Welshman over there!”

[F-UnitMad]

Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  

Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  

Girl:     'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

Far too close to the truth to be funny, that one....

 

I've probably posted this before:-

Q. What's a girl's favourite wine??

 

A. "I want to go shopping"......

[Enterprisingwestern]

Or the bloke who wanted his wife to moan loudly when they were making love, so at the next session she's laid on the bed with hubby hammering away and she shouts

 

THIS BLOODY CEILING NEEDS PAINTING.

 

mIKE.

[jcm@gwr]

What do you call 3 women in a basement?

 

A whine cellar

[luckymucklebackit]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his attractive wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"..
 

Jim

[Allegheny1600]

Speaking of Shays and their ilk, here is a true story!

A group of railway nuts used to gather in a local hostelry every week and one bloke was particularly enthusiastic about fitting DCC sound projects into various different locos.

One week he announced that he had managed to get sound into his "Climax" (similar to a Shay!).

My mate muttered "Yeah, I can usually manage a grunt or two"!

[EHertsGER]

What do you call 3 women in a basement?

 

A whine cellar

"3 women in a basement" - the ones waiting for the elevator to the rest of the store...

[AndyID]

Charlie was a pretty rum character. He moved around from railroad to railroad, but he didn't get along with many people and usually fell out with management.

 

Things finally caught up with him in Texas. He got into a big fight, and threw his boss off a train. Well, his boss didn't survive, so old Charlie was dragged into court and found guilty of first degree murder. The judge sentenced him to death.

 

In due course, he was strapped into the electric chair in the State Penitentiary in Dallas, and at the appointed hour, the big switch was thrown.

 

Nuthin! They jiggled the switch and tried again. Still nuthin! After five minutes of this carry-on, the chairman of the railroad stood up and shouted in desperation,

 

"You idiots! I tried to tell you he was a lousy conductor!"

[PGC]

If this offends anyone, my apologies. It's the cabbie's polite response that I think is brilliant!

 

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London in which the radio was playing.  He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so would you please get out and wait for a camel.." 

[PGC]

A young man, who is very aware of his parental duties in helping his son to read, write, spell etc., who is also very diligent in carrying these duties out, get's asked by his son if they can go to McDonalds. The father thinks this would be a good opportunity for some "off piste" education so say's "We'll go if you can spell it".

 

The son (it may, just, be Little Jonny!) think for a few seconds then says "Forget it Dad, we'll go to KFC!"

Edited April 17, 2015 by PGC

[PGC]

 

How do you know my EX???????

 

Was she your ex before or after she was mine? :-)

[EHertsGER]

BR Engineering Wagon fleet to be expanded.

 

BR Built a wagon identified as a 'Sturgeon' which was usually full of sleepers.

 

What would new wagons identifiable as 'Cameron' or 'Milliband' be designed for...

 

Since BR no longer uses horses, one purpose is immediately ruled out.

[Welly]

^^

Miliband would be designed for "Red Zone" engineering work.

 

Don't know what a Cameron would do except hang around sidings being useless.

[Horsetan]

If 666 is considered to represent Evil, does that make 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

[teaky]

Nope, it's 25.1594913

 

Apparently, 666 is a mistranslation and the real number is 633.

[EHertsGER]

Nope, it's 25.1594913

 

Apparently, 666 is a mistranslation and the real number is 633.

Nope, "You can't kill a squadron..."

[108]

As proved by Duckie. (Dr Mallard)

[EHertsGER]

^^

Miliband would be designed for "Red Zone" engineering work.

 

Don't know what a Cameron would do except hang around sidings being useless.

Probably with the word 'Cond' scrawled over its instructions (as a result of a broken coupling - with the UKIP) which would otherwise have read "Not to be used on Channel Tunnel Services"

[kevinlms]

Hungarian joke from Canada. I can think of a few other nationalities it could be changed to :-)

The price of the fence

An American, a German and a Hungarian goes to have a look at a Hungarian museum.
They notice that the back fence is in bad need of repair, so all three of them offer to do the job. The director asks them to quote

The American takes measurements writes himself notes, takes a long time to calculate and says:
I can do it for $450. $200 for material, $200 for labour and $50 for my cut.

The German also measures and calculates then says:
It can be done for $350... $150 for material $150 for labour and $50 for me

The Hungarian has a look with his hands in his pocket, and without measuring says:
$1350

The manager of the museum says, shocked:
How can you come up with that figure, you haven't even had a look at the job, didn't measure, nothing!!!!

Very simple: $500 for you, $500 for me and we subcontract the job to the German.

OK, the job is yours!

[Guest]

Very simple: $500 for you, $500 for me and we subcontract the job to the German.

Now that reminds me of Only Fools and Horses.

Dell talked Mike into giving him the job to redecorate the inside of the Nags Head for a grand more than an Irishman, by giving a similar line. Can't for the life of me remember the episode...

[bluebottle]

Hungarian joke from Canada. I can think of a few other nationalities it could be changed to :-)

The price of the fence

An American, a German and a Hungarian goes to have a look at a Hungarian museum.

................................

Very simple: $500 for you, $500 for me and we subcontract the job to the German.

OK, the job is yours!

 

Now that reminds me of Only Fools and Horses.

Dell talked Mike into giving him the job to redecorate the inside of the Nags Head for a grand more than an Irishman, by giving a similar line. Can't for the life of me remember the episode...

 

"Who's a pretty boy." - No, not Kevin nor Matt!

See Who's a Pretty Boy? - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for a synopsis.

Mind you, the Wikipedia editor is a poor third when it comes to putting over a joke ...

 

Edit: link.

Edited April 18, 2015 by bluebottle

[PhilJ W]

Here's the full episode >>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XW_dMgXGfo

[chris p bacon]

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches
His eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that
Kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own
them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit
of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a B J is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a B J!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos
across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow
jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than
before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's
worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some Pus.sy?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole
city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the
beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

Damn!" says the guy... "You own the whole city?" 

 

The hooker says, "No. But I would if I had a Pus.sy!"

Edited April 21, 2015 by chris p bacon

[totally loco]

http://www.dumpaday.com/funny-pictures/the-groupon-employee-in-charge-of-replying-to-comments-needs-a-serious-raise/ Definitely worth a look. The group on replies. So funny.