The Forum Jokes Thread

[BoD]

A fellow?

 

About your age?

 

Pull the other one. It was you.

[luckymucklebackit]

Two grans are outside their nursing home having a puff when it starts to rain.

One pulls out a condom cuts off the end and puts it over her cig.

"What's that?"

"So my cig doesn't get wet"

So the next day the lady goes into the pharmacy and asks for some condoms.

"What brand madam?"

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

 

(Stolen from the BBC News Website of all places this morning!)

 

Jim

[shortliner]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

 

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!” “How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her. “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

 

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

 

A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business

 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day

 

How do you get an old lady to swear? Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!

 

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

Edited May 6, 2016 by shortliner

[Titan]

A while back I was in hospital with a complicated fracture. In the morning the nurse asked me 'How do you feel?'

 

I responded, 'I run my fingers gently over the object in question, would you like a demonstration?'

[kevinlms]

The Italian Cow.
 
The only cow in a small town in  Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

 

So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

 

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
 
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced  lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,  so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever  the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

 

No  matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

 

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian,   Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise,

 

to tell  him what was happening and to ask his advice.

 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

 

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

 

When he   approaches her from the front, she backs off.

 

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

 

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered  this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned  that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

 

"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:
"My wife is from Sicily."

[cromptonnut]

My friend is so stupid he thought au gratin was an Irish surname.

[peanuts]

think ive broken my mates phone 

 

 he was showing me the ask siri feature and i asked it "what do women want " ?

 

 its hasnt shut up for the last month !

[Tim Dubya]

A quick gag for all you Telepaths out there…

[BoD]

I knew you were going to tell that one.

[uax6]

Its the one he always tells. I bet he hasn't heard this one though:

[Chris116]

.

[steve1]

Solar power is the future but it won't happen overnight.

 

steve

 

[Steve K]

My friend is so stupid he thought au gratin was an Irish surname.

 

Your friend is Mr Caffey O'lay, and I claim my £5!

 

Yours

 

E G McMuffin

Edited May 14, 2016 by Steve K

[bluebottle]

At the 1984 Olympic Games in Los Angeles, Steve Ovett's name appeared on the stadium scoreboard as "O'Vett".

[Sidecar Racer]

Air traffic control tower lost communication with a small

twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang

and was answered by one of the employees.

 

The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communication,

was on a cellular phone and yelling: “Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!”"

 

“The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack.

I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because

he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his

speed dial memory.

 

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at

180 mph....Mayday, Mayday!!”

 

The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone and the

Controller spoke,

 

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after

a few questions.

 

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm"!

 

The Controller asked,

 

"How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet"?

 

Arcraft:

 

"I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the

Altimeter dial in front of me".

 

Controller,

 

"Okay, that’s good, remain calm.

 

How do you know you’re travelling at 180 mph"?

 

Aircraft:

 

"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed

dial in front of me".

 

Controller:

 

"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily

overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down"?

 

 

 

Aircraft:

 

"The shite in my pants is running out of my

shirt collar".

[Tom D]

A  golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on  the St Andrews course. 

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink  tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!' 
The golfer  replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that  for me, in English!?' 

The keeper replies: 'I  said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

[andytrains]

Air traffic control tower lost communication with a small

twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang

and was answered by one of the employees.

 

The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communication,

was on a cellular phone and yelling: “Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!”"

 

“The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack.

I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because

he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his

speed dial memory.

 

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at

180 mph....Mayday, Mayday!!”

 

The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone and the

Controller spoke,

 

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after

a few questions.

 

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm"!

 

The Controller asked,

 

"How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet"?

 

Arcraft:

 

"I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the

Altimeter dial in front of me".

 

Controller,

 

"Okay, that’s good, remain calm.

 

How do you know you’re travelling at 180 mph"?

 

Aircraft:

 

"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed

dial in front of me".

 

Controller:

 

"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily

overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down"?

 

 

 

Aircraft:

 

"The shite in my pants is running out of my

shirt collar".

Did he get down?

[EHertsGER]

Does sloshing tea all over your nice new copy of MRJ before you have read it count as weathering?

Edited May 19, 2016 by EHertsGER

[andytrains]

True Story.

 

My wife, Mother in Law and my deaf mother, (but wearing her new supposedly state of the art NHS hearing aid), were having a conversation.

This was about my wife wanting to take me to Switzerland on a rail holiday for my birthday.

The wife jokingly said, "but he was not happy about the one way ticket". (DIGNITAS).

 

They then go onto discuss a documentary about a poor fellow that went to DIGNITAS.

 

At the end of it my mother said, "And was he better when he got back".

 

(For god sake Mum use some of your bloody savings and pay for a decent hearing aid).,

I have tried telling her this but she can't hear me!

Edited May 20, 2016 by andytrains

[peanuts]

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

[Sidecar Racer]

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

 

 "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

 

 Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

 

 Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.

 

 "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."

 

 Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?   The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

 

 The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.

 

 Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, " l believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, ' aunt ' "

 

 

 

 "Of course!" the Pope declared, ...."Do you have an eraser?"

[RJS1977]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVWdbO6FFfw

[Colin_McLeod]

Enjoyed that sketch. Especially the ending.

[RJS1977]

The 'nun' in the sketch was Barbara New, who later appeared in Oh Doctor Beeching.

 

"My late husband was an engine driver, you know.."

[Rugd1022]