RJS1977 Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 So we're going to end up numbering all our jokes & just type a number for the rest of us to laugh/groan at? Yes I know that joke is in here somewhere, but I can't find it! It's the way you tell it... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 4, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 4, 2016 5,402. That's a good one. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
reevesthecat Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) 5,402. That's a good one. Only up to post 4369 you must be a time traveler!! Edited June 4, 2016 by reevesthecat Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 4, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 4, 2016 Only up to post 4369 you must be a time traveler!! No doubt he's estimated that the same joke will be told in 4 months time*. * 4 months is a wild guess, I can't be bothered working out a closer estimate! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted June 4, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 4, 2016 Evening class on How to be a BMW driver https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKH5Gd92k74 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 4, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 4, 2016 Only up to post 4369 you must be a time traveler!! It's funny because you had not heard it before. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Evening class on How to be a BMW driver https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKH5Gd92k74 That's about 14 minutes over the average attention span of a BMW Driver, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted June 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 5, 2016 I know you've heard this one before but I can't be ar$ed to search 175 pages for it: A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted June 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) I haven't even read the pages I've posted on: As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.Again, the trucker lowers the window.As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some ofyour load!"When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to thenext light.When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, andruns back to the blonde.He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a gritter Edited June 5, 2016 by Tim Dubya Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 5, 2016 I know you've heard this one before but I can't be ar$ed to search 175 pages for it: A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger." I think you'll find multiple entries of that one! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted June 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Bill and Ben in the bath together. Ben goes .... flobadob. Bill says, If that stinks I'll kill you... . Edited June 6, 2016 by Tim Dubya 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted June 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 5, 2016 LIFE CYCLEAt the age of 2 – success is to have dry nappies… At the age of 10 - success is having friends same age as you…At the age of 18 - successes is having driving license...At the age of 20 - successes is having a woman and good sex… At the age of 30 to 50 - success is having lots of money...At the age of 60 - success is having a woman and good sex…At the age of 70 - success is having driving license… At the age of 75 - success is having friends same age as you…At the age of 80 - success is to have dry nappies …C'est la vieThe same joke in Serbo-Croat (Don't ask!)Životni ciklusSa 2 godine uspjeh je imati suhe pelene. Sa 10 godina uspjeh je imati prijatelje svojih godina. Sa 18 godina uspjeh je imati vozačku dozvolu. Sa 20 godina uspjeh je imati žensku i dobar seks. Sa 30-50 godina uspjeh je imati puno para. Sa 60 godina uspjeh je imati žensku i dobar seks. Sa 70 godina uspjeh je imati vozačku dozvolu. Sa 75 godina uspjeh je imati prijatelje svojih godina. Sa 80 godina uspjeh je imati suhe pelene.Love Tim 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know"."Yes sir " says the young guardsman. So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " "No I'm princess Ann" "ok sorry to delay you, proceed". The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? ""No I'm princess Margaret". " Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?." "Yes I'm the Queen"."Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you". 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 8, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 8, 2016 A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to Know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 9, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2016 At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.The director of the winery wondered how to "nicely" send him away in this "all too Politically Correct" world. He gave him a glass of their low end wine to drink.The drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”“That’s correct”, said the boss.Another glass…“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”“Correct.”A third glass…“It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.The alcoholic tried it.“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 The new book "Understanding Women Volume 1" has now been released........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
michaelp Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 A friend of mine died because of indigestion, I cant believe Gav is gone! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 10, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 10, 2016 Does it say how many volumes are to follow? And what about the errata supplements? Of course not, as its an open ended book, without a definitive answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurenceb Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 The new book "Understanding Women Volume 1" has now been released........image001.jpg And every page is blank! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted June 11, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 11, 2016 And every page is blank! No, that is the very short book What Men Know about Women. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 11, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 11, 2016 The last few posts can be summed up thusly. At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do, if I won the Lotto?” She replied, "I'd take half and leave you." "Great!" he said. "Here's $2.50. I won $5.00 yesterday. Stay in touch." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 paid a visit to the bird of prey center the other day there was this one Kestrel just sat in one of the sheds not moving and quiet asked the handlers what was up with it they said "oh thats Nobby he doesnt fly in the day time only at night and then only to music " me "music ok whats his favorite band then " "oh thats easy " wait for it "our kestrel manouvers in the Dark " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 11, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 11, 2016 Was this kestrel in Russia by any chance? 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Colin_McLeod, on 11 Jun 2016 - 12:43, said:Was this kestrel in Russia by any chance? Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear? Chernobyl fallout. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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