The Forum Jokes Thread

[RhBBob]

A few to keep you going then ........

 

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not

   walk beside me for the path just is narrow. In fact, just b*gg*r off and leave me alone.

 

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

3. No one is listening until you fart.

 

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage

    payments.

 

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

    That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and  

    drink beer all day.

 

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 

I I. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

14' Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our a*s*; then things just get

      worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[kevinlms]

Hack our site!

 

 

If you can!

 

 

[Budgie]

Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.

 

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.

 

Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”

 

Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

 

Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

 

“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

 

“Now what the hell would you say?”

[andytrains]

Mules.

I wear them, around the house, darling!!!!

[Sasquatch]

Michael Caine throws a party,all of the beautiful people are there,The Beatles,The Stones,Jim Morrison and the boys from the group,Mary Quant,Twiggy the lot.After an hour or so he sees Jim Morrison and the boys leaving,so he goes up to him and asks what's wrong.Jim tells him that it's a 'drag' and they're going.Caine calls over a beautiful groupie and having whispered in her ear she,Jim and the group go off into a bedroom.An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party.Some time later Caine sees the groupie in animated conversation with Ringo and decides to keep an eye on the situation.Shortly afterwards he sees Ringo and the groupie about to sneak off into a bedroom and annoyed he shouts over to her,'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!'

 

 

Crying with laughter here...

[steve1]

steve

[ikks]

Subject :-My Problem Husband

 

 

Dear Help Line ......

 

My husband is a liar and a cheat.

 

He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.

 

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

 

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf with his buddies and have sex with hookers,
while I work so hard to pay our bills.

 

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and he hints that I may be gay

 

What should I do?

 

Signed: Clueless

 

Scroll down to see reply

 

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Dear Clueless:

 

Grow up and dump him.

 

You don't need him anymore!

 

Good grief woman,

 

you're running for President of the United States!

 

Even so, let's hope your not 'Trumped' !

Edited August 2, 2016 by ikks

[peanuts]

An 8ft gorilla has just broken into my back garden and started to use the playground equipment.

I'm gonna let it slide..just this once

[HeeleyBridge]

So my mate came around last night. He told me he's thinking of getting married.

 

I told him "Save yourself a lot of time and trouble. Just find a woman who hates you and give her your house."

[peanuts]

Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday.

If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Liverpool.

[PhilJ W]

 

Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday.

If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Liverpool.

 

I don't even have to go to Liverpool, I live in Basildon.

[andytrains]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?

Edited August 2, 2016 by andytrains

[Sasquatch]

These two blondes went to the motor show in Birmingham and spent 5 hours walking around the car park.

[Merc435]

A blonde is driving through the countryside when she sees another blonde, sat in a rowing boat in the middle of a grassy field. She's rowing for all she's worth but getting nowhere. The First blonde gets out the car, walks around and climbs onto the fence. 

 

"You are an embarrassment to Blondes, how thick are you? You stupid woman!" she yells at the top of her voice.

 

The Blonde in the boat simply looks over and shrugs her shoulders, to which the blonde on the fence shouts, "If I could swim, i'd swim over to you and give you a slap!"

[Merc435]

If a man, alone in a forest, makes a decision, is he still wrong?

[newbryford]

Depends on who you ask:

 

woman:

man:

 

 

 

Which reminds me...

 

Which is the odd one out?

 

Father Christmas,

The Perfect Man

The Perfect Woman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man answer - the perfect woman as the other two are real.

 

Woman answer - the perfect man as the other two are real

 

Father Christmas answer - me, as the other two aren't real.

 

Cheers,

Mick

[peanuts]

Apparently the Americans have solved airline safety they are going to build a plane entirely out of rubber so it bounces back in a crash there going to call it

 

The boing 747

[PhilJ W]

Apparently the Americans have solved airline safety they are going to build a plane entirely out of rubber so it bounces back in a crash there going to call it

 

The boing 747

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE can we have a groan button.

Edited August 6, 2016 by PhilJ W

[andytrains]

[peanuts]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed.
'Who?' he asks. 'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says...

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[RhBBob]

Has anyone told Prince Andrew there's a job going in Japan ?

[peanuts]

Sick of hearing. All these bloody Olympians interviewed on the telly for winning droaning on about how hard they have trained and all the sacrifices they have made

 

What do they want a bloody medal !

[Budgie]

Sick of hearing. All these bloody Olympians interviewed on the telly for winning droaning on about how hard they have trained and all the sacrifices they have made

 

What do they want a bloody medal !

Do what I do and watch Dave instead. Then you'll be sick of seeing all those bloody repeats.

[luckymucklebackit]

Sick of hearing. All these bloody Olympians interviewed on the telly for winning droaning on about how hard they have trained and all the sacrifices they have made

 

What do they want a bloody medal !

 

Just sick of the Olympics - period!!

[peanuts]

Just sick of the Olympics - period!!

pads or tampons to deal with that ?