The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

Mary had a little lamb and got three years for

[pH]

We've all heard of the rhyme "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow"

 

Well here's a slightly different one,

 

Mary had a little cow and we used to call her Anna.

We used to feed her nuts and bolts and milked her with a spanner.

 

I got that off a YouTube video from a Scottish Modeller.

From about 60 years ago (hence the currency):

 

Mary had a mechanical cow, she milked it with a spanner.

The milk came out in shilling tins, and wee ones at a tanner.

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[luckymucklebackit]

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was green as grass, and every time she sheared it, she used a mower, silly lass

 

Mary had a little pig which wouldn't stop its grunting. she tied it to a 7 bar gate and kicked its (finish it yourself)

 

Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon, Ten thousand volts went up it's ***, and turned it's wool to nylon

[Chris116]

"That tinnitus helpline is useless..it just keeps ringing"

[peanuts]

What Do You Call A Fat Psychic ?

 

A Four Chin Teller

[Dagworth]

Nicked from Twitter

 

Sad news. Proposed Devon & Cornwall tour by supergroups Cream & The Jam cancelled after promoters couldn't decide which one should go on first.

 

Andi

[Bernard Lamb]

Mary had a little lamb.

She kept it in a bucket.

Every time the lamb got out.

Her dog tried to put it back in again.

Bernard

[shortliner]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

 

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

 

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

 

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

 

 

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

 

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

 

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

 

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 

 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?”

[Liam]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes."WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$90,000."MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?”

I've heard that one before from the miscellaneous page of a society magazine.

[Chris116]

A man, his wife and their six children are standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus. The man sees a blind man with a cane walking up to the bus stop. The bus arrives and the wife and husband notice that the bus is quiet full so the blind man and the husband ordered the wife to take the children and get on the bus.

The blind man and the husband tell her that they can walk to their next destination. So the wife and children get on the bus and the bus drives off. The husband and the blind man start walking.

The husband is annoyed by the tapping of the blind man's stick, so he says to the old man "If you would put a rubber on the end of that stick, it wouldn't make so much noise".

The blind man turns to the young man and says: "If you would have put a rubber on the end of your stick, we would have fitted on that bus".

Edited September 23, 2017 by Chris116

[Mike Storey]

Had terrible news this week.

 

 

A great friend of ours spent seven, very hard years studying to qualify for the profession he then successfully entered.

 

After just a few years, he has now been struck off, due to a minor indiscretion.

 

He slept with one of his patients (they were already great friends).

 

So now, following an arbitrary judgement, he cannot follow the vocation that he loved.

 

What an awful, tragic waste.

 

He is a smashing, wonderful person

 

and an absolutely brilliant vet.

 

 

 

 

 

Nicked from Facebook - all honours to the poster whose name escapes me.

[BG John]

It's not illegal to sleep with animals, I hope, because my very good friend often decides to sleep with me. It's what you might get up to while awake that's illegal!

[BoD]

... and there my Lord rests the case for the defence.

Edited September 23, 2017 by BoD

[BG John]

... and there my Lord rests the case for the defence.

[F-UnitMad]

... and there my Lord rests the case for the defence.

Prosecution: "Having read that 'Self-immolation is the ultimate form of protest'; confusing the terms 'immolate' & 'manipulate' is no excuse for the Defendant's lewd conduct in front of the Judge."

 

(Edit; spelling.)

Edited September 24, 2017 by F-UnitMad

[Bernard Lamb]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against a wall. " What's wrong with him ?" he asked his assistant.

"He came in for some cough syrup, but I could not find any so I gave him some laxatives." "You idiot" said the chemist. "You can't cure a cough with laxatives." "Of course you can" said the assistant. "Look at him, he is not coughing now."

Bernard

[allan downes]

A retired man successfully landed a job at B&Q as a 'Meeter  and Greeter' on the front door.

 

On his first morning, the ugliest, fattest, grotesque woman that he had ever seen in his life entered the store with two kids 

 

"Morning madame, are these your two beautiful children ?

 

"Of course they bloody well are, who else's soddin 'kids could they possibly be. Are you THAT stupid !!"

 

"No mam, not stupid, just curious as to why anybody would possibly want to sleep with you twice "

[BG John]

A retired man successfully landed a job at B&Q as a 'Meeter  and Greeter' on the front door.

 

On his first morning, the ugliest, fattest, grotesque woman that he had ever seen in his life entered the store with two kids 

 

"Morning madame, are these your two beautiful children ?

 

"Of course they bloody well are, who else's soddin 'kids could they possibly be. Are you THAT stupid !!"

 

"No mam, not stupid, just curious as to why anybody would possibly want to sleep with you twice "

At least it wasn't the usual B&Q "joke" about decking!

[peanuts]

The Queen and Donald

 

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned.

"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."

The Prime Minister walked into the room.

“You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."

"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.

Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office

“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me

“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks,” said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, “Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

[BoD]

If I had a 50p for every time I failed a maths exam I'd have £6.30 by now.

[NorthBrit]

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience,

[Enterprisingwestern]

If I had a 50p for every time I failed a maths exam I'd have £6.30 by now.

 

You could have made it simpler for us and said 87 pence, it's difficult enough trying to work out how many exams you've failed as it is.

 

Mike.

[RJS1977]

At least it wasn't the usual B&Q "joke" about decking!

 

I'd imagine he probably got "decked" after making that comment....

[jcm@gwr]

I used to be a member of a secretive cookery club,

but I got thrown out for spilling the beans.

 

Bakers reveal their recipes on a knead to know basis.