The Forum Jokes Thread

[Liam]

Nah, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!

 

Two comedians who are sorely missed.

Edited November 17, 2017 by SVRlad

[Alex TM]

Steve Strange from 80's cult band Visage has just brought out a new range of black denim jeans.

trouble is when you wash them they 'Fade to grey'.

Yours aye,

Giz

Loud groaning to be heard across the nation!

 

Steve Strange (1959-2015) - always lived up to his name - may he Rest In Peace.

[peanuts]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her

in the act.

For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is

his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season ticket.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card

bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks

over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a

cold.’

[cromptonnut]

I hear they're bringing out a film next year based on the story of Eddie Stobart.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing the trailer.

[Budgie]

Please hurry up with that GROAN button.

[Sidecar Racer]

SON: Dad, today in school we learnt that in some countries a man

doesn't know his wife until they get married.

 

DAD: Actually son, it's the same in every country!

[F-UnitMad]

SON: Dad, today in school we learnt that in some countries a man

doesn't know his wife until they get married.

 

DAD: Actually son, it's the same in every country!

Far too close to the truth to be funny..!!

[Sidecar Racer]

One day, married Jade who wanted to know how her husband Max would react

if she left without telling him where she had gone.

 

Jade decided to write a letter to her husband.She writes,

she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore.

 

After writing the letter, Jade put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed

under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

 

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.

 

After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pencil and added something to the letter.

 

Then Max started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing

while he did so. He took his phone and dialed a number.

 

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.

 

“Hey babe, ready, I’m just changing clothes then will join you,” he said.

 

“As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left.

I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”

 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

 

In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read

what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

 

 

Through teary eyes, she read:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to supermarket for buy milk and bread .”

[ColinK]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll into his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

 

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

 

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

 

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

 

 

wait for it........

 

 

 

. . . "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side

[peter220950]

 

A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

 

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea.

 

Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

 

Peter

[F-UnitMad]

"Groan" or "Awful" button - either will do..!!!

[Coryton]

A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

 

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea.

 

Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

 

Peter

 

I could see that one coming.

 

But still funny.

[RJS1977]

A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

 

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea.

 

Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

 

Peter

 

Reminds me of the story of two guys from up the Wokingham Road in Reading who'd been out on the town, finishing up leaving the pub next to the bus depot in a state of high inebriation at closing time.

 

"It's a long walk back," said one. "I'm not sure I can make it that far."

"OK," said the other. "I'll see if I can borrow a bus from the depot." That said, he sneaked into the depot without being seen by security. Some time later, he reappeared, shaking his head.

"All the 17s are blocked in," he reported.

"In that case," said his friend. "Borrow a 13 or 14 - I can walk from the Junction!"

[Jamiel]

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

[chriswright03]

I could see that one coming.

 

But still funny.

You watch there will be another one along in a minute.

[bluebottle]

I could see that one coming.

 

But still funny.

 

That was the third coming of that joke in this thread, with more comings to come, no doubt!

[Enterprisingwestern]

I hear they're bringing out a film next year based on the story of Eddie Stobart.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing the trailer.

 

But do you need to be articulate to watch it?

 

Mike.

[pH]

But do you need to be articulate to watch it?

 

Mike.

Being semi-articulate would probably help North American viewers. Edited November 24, 2017 by pH

[ColinK]

Just home from a concert in the Victoria Hall at Settle. The Band was ‘Wild Willy Barrett’ but most of the songs were in French! He introduced one song - ‘there aren’t many songs about kebabs, indeed we only know one, which we’ll sing for you now, its called....

 

Wait for it...

 

Wait for it..

 

 

 

Donna!

[brossard]

Being semi-articulate would probably help North American viewers.

 

I think I take conception to that!

 

John

[brossard]

Don't they have pills for that too?

 

Comes in cream form as well as suppository.

 

John

[grahame]

The Brussels Golf Club
Mr Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.
"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".
"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..
"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".
"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".
"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!
"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.
"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill".
"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".
"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier. "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".
"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.
"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"
"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".
"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"
"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000".
"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".
"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.
"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for
food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"
"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

 

Now we understand what Brexit is all about

[Sidecar Racer]

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

 

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

 

Billy replies: "In the car."

 

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy

[peanuts]

Begging to think my wife is a secret drug dealer she has lots of smart new clothes we cant afford i come in from work and she has a dreamy look on her face and the other day when i left a little late for work and answered the house phone a man asked "has the dope gone yet " am i onto something ?

[cheesysmith]

A husband and wife both are avid golfers. But they are both very bad at it. They are on the verge of giving up, when the husband decideds to gets some tips from a professional.

 

The expert takes him to the tee, and watches him tee off, and the ball goes a whole 9 yards. The expert sees his grip is wrong. He then tells him to try again, but hold the club like he is holding his Johnson. The man does so and hits the ball 100 yards.

 

Over the moon at his improvement, he rushes home to tell his wife, and she goes to see the same expert for tips.

 

She tees off, and hits the ball 6 yards. The expert sees that her grip is wrong, and tells her to pretend the club is her husbands Johnson and try again. On the second try she gets the ball a whole 7 yards.

 

The expert tells her to try again, but this time take the club out of her mouth.