The Forum Jokes Thread

[BG John]

He probably has Burning Feet from the Stony Road while Heading For the City, but would prefer to be an Easy Rider who Ain't Going Down This Way, but has Got To Be Moving On.

 

Guess what my only Chris Rea album is!

[steve1]

No, he's off to see a Stainsby Girl with Little Blonde Plaits On The Beach by his Auberge, whilst driving his Caterham 7 with it's Soft Top (by the) Hard Shoulder that's given him 90s Blues.

 

steve (who has several Chris Rea albums...)

[Tony Davis]

I still hear "Sainsbury" girl

[NorthBrit]

I’ve just been to the hospital and taken a blood sample.

 

I swear my kleptomania is getting worse.

[96701]

A man walks into the surgery with an onion under each arm, a potato in his ear and a carrot up his nose. On meeting the doctor, he says "What is wrong with me?".

The doctor replies "You aren't eating properly."

[graeme3300]

A Dietician was giving a lecture to a large crowd on good eating habits.

 

"Can anyone tell me," he asked,"which food causes the most grief, even years after you eat it?"

 

An elderly fellow in the front row put up his hand and replied,

 

"Would it be wedding cake?"

[allan downes]

During a survey on the frequency of sexual intercourse amongs't married couples the speaker asked members of the audience who had it once a day to raise their hands to be counted.

 

He then asked members who only had it once a week to also raise their hands to be counted.

 

Then he asked "Who only has it once a year ? " at which a man at the back of the hall leapt up dancing up and down and full of joy.

 

"Why are you so happy sir if you only get it once a year ?" asked the speaker.

 

"Because to night's the night !!!!" yelled back the excited man.

[peanuts]

Just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.....

 

It was a Lamb Bikini

[peanuts]

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party.

I'm quite looking forward to it - they really know how to push the boat out.

[NorthBrit]

When I got home I saw the wife was counting one pence and two pence pieces. All of a sudden she started shouting and throwing things around. I thought to myself “Oh my goodness. What is the matter with her”.

 

Then I realised she was going through the change.

[allan downes]

An Irish culinary expert was asked during a television interview "Why don't the Irish make ice cubes anymore ?" to which he replied " Because we lost the recipe "

[allan downes]

 

Murphy, who was six foot six, wanted a longer bed blanket so cut a foot off the top and sewed it to the bottom.

[BR60103]

Murphy, who was six foot six, wanted a longer bed blanket so cut a foot off the top and sewed it to the bottom.

 

I heard that Daylight Saving Time came from the fellow who made his blanket longer by taking a foot from one end and sewing it on the other.

[allan downes]

I heard that Daylight Saving Time came from the fellow who made his blanket longer by taking a foot from one end and sewing it on the other.

That must have been Murphy then.

[Sidecar Racer]

[APOLLO]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The barman says, "Olive or twist?"

 

 

Brit15

[Welly]

^^^

Had those cats just paid vengance on the Canadian teenager who was filmed throwing a cat hard?

[NorthBrit]

[quote

 

 

Brit15

 

The cats look like the Kray Brothers of the cat world

[Alex TM]

Hi,

 

I think this trio are related to my mum's cat - it's a psychotic, human hating, vicious .......

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[Bernard Lamb]

Cats in action, cats posing, they bore me, why don't they just go back to sleep, they are letting the side down.

Alarm set for tea time when the servants come home and I can scream at them.

lego

[newbryford]

Only In Manchester!! ...can’t believe what just I've just witnessed..

 

I was at the BP petrol station when I noticed two policemen standing and watching a man at the pumps and shaking their heads.

I looked back and saw the idiot was smoking while he was filling his car.

When I realised what he was doing I thought, what a moron, right in front of the old bill.

So, I paid and as I was getting in my car I heard someone screaming..

I looked over to see the man's arm was on fire!

He was waving his arm around and running in circles going crazy.

I got out of my car just as the police managed to get him on the ground, hastily patting the fire out!!

Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in a parked police van.

I figured he was an idiot but I thought arresting him was a bit extreme.

So I went over and asked them what they were arresting him for..

 

The officer looked me dead in the eye and said .....

 

 

 

 

 

 

"WAVING A FIREARM!"

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Budgie]

Please, give us that groan button soon.

[newbryford]

Good xmas deed done this afternoon at the Co-op check out. 

I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Gran. 

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Tony Davis]

Good xmas deed done this afternoon at the Co-op check out. 

 

I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Gran. 

 

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

 

Cheers,

Mick

I love a heartwarming story at Christmas...........

[allan downes]

 

Paddy decides to be the first Irishman to row across the Atlantic.

 

Half way across he gives up and rows back.