RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted December 17, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 17, 2017 You don't need a parachute to go sky diving . You do however need one to go skydiving twice . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares their dogs. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Chap goes to see his doctor about a terrible stutter that's effecting his job as a salesman. " Right,strip down please" says the doctor and, when he had, the doctor leaps back with surprise exclaiming " My God ! I've never in all my years seen a as long as that. I'ts pulling down on your vocal chords thus causing the stutter. Best cure then is to have it amputated and a more normal sized one fitted in its place" So, the operation was a great success and a year later the chap returns to see his doctor. "Doctor" he says "Since the operation life has been absolutely marvelous. I now have my mortgage paid off, drive a Bentley, have a large yacht and a Villa in the South of France - but, my marriage is on the rocks because I can no longer satisfy me wife so, can I have my old back please ?" At this, the doctor looks up and says "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-x-x off !" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheesysmith Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his behind passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the seco...nd suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMmmmnnnn!" "What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 17, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 17, 2017 (edited) Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares their dogs. And in even more bad taste. (Apologies if you are offended) When does a blind skydiver know where the ground is? The lead goes slack....... Cheers, Mick Edited December 17, 2017 by newbryford Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 One of my friends is absolutely mad on Abba, and she invited me round to her new house to see the display. She has an impressive collection of Abba memorabilia all over the walls. But for me, the best bit was the Abba themed bathroom. You should see it. What a loo. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted December 18, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 18, 2017 In Spain, place betting on the bullfights is illegal. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Two questions. Is it true that all anglers are liars or is it that all liars fish ? Question number two. Also is it true that dwarves are the last people to know when it rains? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearwater Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 One of my friends is absolutely mad on Abba, and she invited me round to her new house to see the display. She has an impressive collection of Abba memorabilia all over the walls. But for me, the best bit was the Abba themed bathroom. You should see it. What a loo. The problem is the door sticks on it. Couldn’t escape. Even if I’d wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 (edited) Is the lass still available? She might wanna take a chance on me! Does Your Mother Know about that? Edited December 18, 2017 by SVRlad Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Went to watch a band last night. They were very good until they started throwing their instruments into the audience. The cymbals hit me on the head. Now I think I am suffering from percussion. Hat and coat time. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted December 18, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 18, 2017 Went to watch a band last night. They were very good until they started throwing their instruments into the audience. The cymbals hit me on the head. Now I think I am suffering from percussion. Hat and coat time. WHO did that? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co-tr-Paul Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Did it make you Paranoid ? ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
great central Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Did it make you Paranoid ? ! Only on the (Black) Sabbath Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Only on the (Black) Sabbath If it had been a Pink Floyd Tribute Act maybe he would have been feeling Cymbaline (interpret that as you will) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted December 19, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2017 One for the American football fans. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted December 19, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2017 Only on the (Black) Sabbath The best kind of Sabbath?! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Brit15 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Brit15 Outstanding. Best this year possibly? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I saw a van today with a bumper sticker saying "I am a Vet, therefore I can drive like an animal" Made me wonder how may gynecologists drive BMWs? Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Legend Posted December 20, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2017 And in even more bad taste. (Apologies if you are offended) When does a blind skydiver know where the ground is? The lead goes slack....... Cheers, Mick I really felt bad laughing at that one! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted December 20, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 20, 2017 I saw a van today with a bumper sticker saying "I am a Vet, therefore I can drive like an animal" Made me wonder how may gynecologists drive BMWs? Jim Most of 'em.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold RFS Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 (edited) Lifted from another forum with the original being from Facebook ... This is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Last night I was out for my works Christmas party. One thing lead to another and I had way too many pints topped off with a couple of Jaegerbombs. Not a good idea!! Knowing I was way over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...I left my car in town and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived back at home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I'm buggered if I know where I got it from or what I'm going to do with it! Edited December 21, 2017 by RFS Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chriswright03 Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 You could have copied it from here http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/page-244?p=2934786&do=findComment&comment=2934786 Only 4 pages back. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 It’s the Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral Jim 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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