luckymucklebackit Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Lice have developed a new super resistant strain. It's got scientists scratching their heads. Hands up everyone that scratched their head after reading that - I did Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sir douglas Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 jokes about immortality will never get old Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 jokes about immortality will never get old Dead right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geoffers Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 "....It might be the way you tell 'em, but that's certainly not the way you should punctuate 'em...." As Capt. Mainwaring might say ".......I wondered if anyone would notice that...." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) "....It might be the way you tell 'em, but that's certainly not the way you should punctuate 'em...." As Capt. Mainwaring might say ".......I wondered if anyone would notice that...." Since they stopped teachin' proppa stuff at skool; I very much doubt it. Edited February 19, 2018 by leopardml2341 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Brit15 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 KFC runs out of chicken which is like being told that your local timber yard has run out of wood or that Hornby have run out of plastic. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/02/20/kentucky-fried-chicken-unaffected-chicken-shortage-thousands-cats-reported-missing/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted February 21, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2018 https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/02/20/kentucky-fried-chicken-unaffected-chicken-shortage-thousands-cats-reported-missing/ I thought it was Jeremy Corbyn's fault http://www.southendnewsnetwork.net/news/400000-kfc-bound-chickens-found-in-jeremy-corbyns-london/ Andi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Nah. He was too busy making some money on the side. https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/02/21/jeremy-corbyn-was-a-sugababe-fresh-allegations-rock-westminster/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted February 21, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 21, 2018 Why did the rocket lose its job? It got fired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted February 21, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 21, 2018 Commentary on the Giant Pike (or some such Winter Olympic event): "you don't have to be a rocket surgeon to..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? Well, a bad marksman shoots and can't hit........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 21, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2018 I think you will find it has evolved, not changed. To be pedantic, it hasn't. Mike. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 22, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 22, 2018 One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help Amazedly he was Santa Claus. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. (For women) So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (For men) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 A cute little 5 year old girl asks her mummy if she can go and help the builders who are about to build a new house next door. Having been given permission she helps the builders by carrying one brick at a time to the bricklayers. At the end of the week they give her her own little wage packet with 50p in it. At this, her proud mother takes her down to the local bank to open up an account where the cashier asks her if she's going to help the builder to build more houses to which she replies. "Only if the fxxxxxg bricks get here on time " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Went to the doctors t'other day with tummy trouble . . .he said I had A B S. . . .sez I, "don't you mean I B S ?" No , sez 'e . . Similar but without the skidmarks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 26, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 26, 2018 Modern engines can be fuelled by almost any organic substance, including herbs. So eventually we could have trains running on thyme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chriswright03 Posted February 26, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 26, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 A cute little 5 year old girl asks her mummy if she can go and help the builders who are about to build a new house next door. Having been given permission she helps the builders by carrying one brick at a time to the bricklayers. At the end of the week they give her her own little wage packet with 50p in it. At this, her proud mother takes her down to the local bank to open up an account where the cashier asks her if she's going to help the builder to build more houses to which she replies. "Only if the fxxxxxg bricks get here on time " Alternative punch line to little girl joke. "Not for 50 fxxxxxxg p a week I ain't !" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Paddy gets captured by the indians where the chief steps up to him and says. "Good um skin. You make good um canoe " At which Paddy grabs the Chief's knife and frantically starts to stabs himself repeatedly all over shouting at the bewildered Chief as he does so. "You aint makin' no fxxxxxg canoe out of me !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I was sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers........ ...................................Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment! Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 28, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 28, 2018 Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says“Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says “Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says” Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I’m going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying “I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me.”And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn’t sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies “Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevblokey Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 (edited) So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car. "Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response. Edited February 28, 2018 by kevblokey 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 28, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 28, 2018 So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car. "Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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