The Forum Jokes Thread

[J. S. Bach]

Professor Higgins got it right:

 

 

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[D-A-T]

A rough tough looking group of bikers were riding out one day when they saw a girl about to jump of a bridge, so they stopped. The biggest burly, bushy bearded, tattooed biker (who was obviously the leader) got off his bike and walked over and said, "What the **** do you think you're doing bitch?"

"I'm going to jump to my death" she replied.

Not wanting to appear insensitive, but not wanting to miss an opportunity either, he suggested "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a great big kiss?"

Well the girl saw no harm in this as she was going to throw herself off the bridge anyways, so she gave the big hairy biker a great big, deep, long lingering passionate kiss.

After they'd finished kissing the big hairy tattooed biker said "WOW, that was the most passionate and sensual kiss that I've ever experienced, you sure do have a real talent for kissing that you're going to be wasting, Why on earth do you want to kill yourself ?”

The girl began to sob, gently at first, becoming inconsolable! "It's my parents, my parents" she cried.

"Your Parents?" asked the big hairy biker, "what's it got to do with your parents?"

The girl was still sobbing wildly, "They hate me dressing up as a girl!!!!”
 

[D-A-T]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and Windmill Hill , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Please send the wine back.

[Geevor Clayton Loco]

 

[CameronL]

I've just had some awful news. My analyst has told me that I have Multiple Personality Disorder.

 

But I wasn't giving in 

 

I said to him, "Don't be ridiculous. I haven't got Multiple Personality Disorder. .. . and neither have I".

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[jcredfer]

Father bought a Morris Oxford {a few years back} and every now and again, it would produce a clicking noise.  It got looked at several times, during which it remained silent {just how many of us have been there there?}    Eventually...  it got found in the roof, in a channel where the roof was welded to the side panels.  In the channel was the broken off tang of a file which had been used to rub smooth the welds, before the roofing materiel had been applied.  In the process the above picture was only slightly short of the events.

 

Julian

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[F-UnitMad]

1 hour ago, Baby Deltic said:

The original without "$#¡£" was just as funny.

 

Calvin & Hobbes was a truly wonderful cartoon series, unlike anything else. I have all the books.

 

[CameronL]

Here's an entry for the "Things You'd Only Do During Lockdown" list. I've compiled a Top Ten Curry Songs  (cue the Pick of the Pops music in the background) - 

 

10. Chicken Tikka - Abba (trad)
9. Tiny Dhansak - Elton John
8. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
7. Saag Aloo, Wave Goodbye - Soft Cell
6. Poppadom Preach - Madonna
5. On the Trail of the Lonesome Pine - Laurel and Hardy (which contains the line "Vindaloo Ridge Mountains of Virginia")
4. Oliver's Shami - Elvis Costello
3. Chaat's the Way I Like It - KC and the Sunshine Band
2. Living Dal - Cliff Richard and the Shadows

And at Numer One -
1. Bhuna Diddy - Naan Bread Mann
 

Edited June 23, 2020 by CameronL
Added a bit

[Steamport Southport]

You missed the obvious one....

 

 

 

 

Not that I like that sort of thing.  

[CameronL]

11 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

You missed the obvious one....

 

 

 

 

Not that I like that sort of thing.  

I left that one out because of the ban by the BBC - it didn't get one but it should have. 

[APOLLO]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a shovel. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a shovel, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the shovel and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The old lion says ...

"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

 

Brit15

[Steamport Southport]

Ah. The one I know it's finch rather than fish.

 

 

 

 

Jason

[Enterprisingwestern]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

Ah. The one I know it's finch rather than fish.

 

 

 

 

Jason

 

It was probably finch the last time it was on here!

Edit. No it wasn't, it was this joke verbatim.

Edit. June 18th 2018.

Edit. October 8th 2017.

Ok, I'll stop now.

Mike.

Edited June 23, 2020 by Enterprisingwestern

[Sidecar Racer]

 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked,

 

"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,

 

"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house

around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum

of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.

 

"Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied,

 

"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by

saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.

 

He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player