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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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12 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

They're used to doing it with German names, The Lower Silesian towns of Zielona Gora and Jelenia Gora were formerly Gruenberg and Hirschberg (Greenhill and Deerhill).

 

The other way round in the first case I beleive - Zielona Góra was renamed to Grünberg, then back again after WW2.

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A petshop owner was in his shop one day when the bell on the door rang. He looked up to see a pretty little girl standing on the other side of the counter - dressed in a pink dress with a floral print, a white crochet cardigan, frilly white ankle socks, red buckled shoes and her hair in two bunches held with pink ribbons. 
   "Hello Mister Pet Shop Man," she trilled. "Have you got any bunny-wunnies?"
   "Have I got any bunny-wunnies?" he replied. "I've got loads of bunny-wunnies. I've got Angoras, British Giants, Lionheads, Lops, Silver Foxes, Netherlands Dwarves and Rexes. I've got black ones, white ones, brown ones, grey ones and any mix of colours you could ask for. Now, what kind of bunny-wunny would you like!"
   "I'm not sure," she said. "I don't think my python is very fussy."

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A rabbit went into a butchers and asked, "Got any carrots?"   The butcher answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?"   The butcher replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came in and asked, "Got any carrots?"

 

The butcher shouted, "No! And if you come in again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?"

 

The butcher answered, "No!"

 

The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50, but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

 

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3 minutes ago, jwealleans said:

Colin Crompton, isn't it?

Of the Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club fame. 

 

Edit. Just beaten to it by swampy. 

Edited by iands
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Hi folks,

 

Not so much a joke as a funny story.  It came to me from one of my colleagues, who has a relative in another part of the world where some things are legal that aren't in this country.

 

"Where I am marijuana is legal.  Due to COVID-19 restrictions barbers, etc, are closed making their profession illegal.  As a result some of my neighbours now have long hair, but they may still have a spliff.  This means that, after around sixty years, the hippies have won!"

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

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3 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

I know the Hull area is the land that time forgot, but, really??!!

 

Mike.

 

I don't live in Hull but I am a member of a Hull-based model railway group. Hull was, quite rightly, the City Of Culture for 2017.

 

In addition, during the time the programme appears to have run, I didn't bother watching much TV and didn't even have one when I first married in 1976.

 

steve

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