The Forum Jokes Thread

[kevinlms]

2 hours ago, DavidB-AU said:

 

I recall another question about what individual battle was the worst for casualties and the answer was the Battle of Towton during the Wars of the Roses. Casualties as a proportion of total numbers on the field and as a proportion of the population, it was worse that the Somme.

WW1 caused major problems, as up to that time regiments etc were made up from localities.

 

In Australia, large numbers of soldiers were decimated leaving whole districts with a shortage of men. So much so, that Australian military started assigning men to regiments randomly.

[kevinlms]

I got bored during the latest lock-down so I decided to take up fencing.

 

 

 

The neighbours said they'd call the police if I didn't put it back.

[Hroth]

34 minutes ago, kevinlms said:

WW1 caused major problems, as up to that time regiments etc were made up from localities.

 

Regimental localities weren't the problem, that came from the creation of the "Pals" battalions. God knows who came up with the brilliant idea of encouraging young men to enlist in town based groups.  It was The Somme that showed how foolish the idea was.  Entire streets in northern towns got telegrams on the same day...

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pals_battalion

 

[Hroth]

10 minutes ago, kevinlms said:

I got bored during the latest lock-down so I decided to take up fencing.

 

 

 

The neighbours said they'd call the police if I didn't put it back.

 

You should live next door to a Fence.

Good fences make good Neighbours......

 

[Titan]

44 minutes ago, Hroth said:

 

You should live next door to a Fence.

Good fences make good Neighbours......

 

 

Yeah, you can get a lot of cheap gear from them...

[Gopher]

A man goes into a pub.  On his shoulder he has a beautiful multi coloured parrot.  He is also accompanied by a 3 foot tall man.

 

He goes up to the bar.  The barman asks him what he would like.  The man says “I’ll have a pint, a bag of nuts for the bird, and a double whisky for the little guy”.  The man pulls out a wallet stuffed with cash, gives the barman £50 and says keep the change.

 

 The man sips his pint, the bird eats the nuts and the little guy swigs the whiskey in one go, and then hurls the empty glass, smashing the optics behind the bar.  The barman rushes up to remonstrate with the man.  The man apologises, pulls out the wallet and gives the barman £500 – to cover the damage. 

 

The man says to the barman  - “same again please”.  He sips his pint, the bird eats the nuts, the little guy swigs the whiskey in one go, and then hurls the empty glass – smashing a mirror.  The barman rushes up and says – “right I’ve had enough of you lot, get out”.  The man apologises, pulls out the wallet and gives the barman £1000, and orders another round.

 

The barman says – “you lot are strange, what’s the story “?  The man says – “well I came across this lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared.  I was granted three wishes.  My first wish was to be rich so I have a wallet which constantly fills with cash.  My second wish was for a beautiful bird, and I got that, (pointing at the parrot on his shoulder).  My third wish was for a 3ft p*ick, and I got him”.                

[CameronL]

Supposing They Held the End of the World and Everybody Came …

 

The End of Days was approaching. The Armies of Heaven were drawn up in their ranks on the Plains of Meggido. Facing them were the Legions of Hell. The last great battle would be fought.

 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were preparing to Ride Forth. Death paused in giving his horse a nosebag of oats and said "CAN ANYONE HEAR THAT? THERE'S A FIGHT GOING ON SOMEWHERE.”

 

“No kidding,” hissed Pestilence. “It’s the End of Days. That’s what it’s all about.”

 

“YES, BUT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED YET.” replied Death. "IT'S IN THE NORTH. COME ON , WE NEED TO FIND OUT MORE."

 

The Horsemen mounted and, at the speed of a thought, their horses carried them to the frozen North.

 

Where they found  Thor  having seven bells kicked out of him by a bunch of Jotunns (ice giants). Death asked War to make them stop and, being the anthropomorphic personification of all things violent, he quickly did.

 

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" asked Death.

 

“Thanks for that,” said Thor. “I think they were jumping the gun for the Ragnarok.”

 

"THE RAGNAROK?"

 

“Yeah, you know. The Ragnarok,” replied Thor. “Last great battle, wolf eats the sun, Asgard goes down. Blah, blah, blah. The Ragnarok. It’s about to start.”

 

"NO IT PIGGING ISN'T," replied Death. "WE'VE GOT ARMAGEDDON ABOUT TO KICK OFF. NO SUN-EATING WOLVES  OR ICE GIANTS ALLOWED. NOW, BEFFORE I GET ANGRY, BOG OFF.”

 

But Thor raised his great horn and blew a loud, clear note on it. There appeared all the hosts of Asgard; the gods, Valkyries  and Einherjahren (souls of dead warriors). Hearing the sound of the horn and thinking it signalled the start of the Ragnarok, the armies of the Jotunns arrived as well, accompanied by a great pack of wolves. Picking up his great hammer, Mjollnir, Thor turned to Death and said “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough, Baldy.”

 

But Death raised  his arms and behind him appeared all the legions of Heaven and Hell. And so the last great battle started – although it was more like a pub brawl than  the end of the world. Wolves bit angels, demons poked Einherjahren with tridents, angels thumped Jotunns. In the middle of the melee Death found Thor.

 

"THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE," he said. “CAN YOU DO THAT THING WITH THE HAMMER?”

 

So Thor raised Mjollnir and a huge flash of lightning split the skies. The fighting died away.

 

“THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!” Death shouted to the embattled armies. “FORESTS SHOULD BURN! MOUNTAINS SHOULD TOPPLE! THIS IS JUST LIKE GLASGOW ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!”

 

But just then everyone heard a huge rushing sound and the battlefield was engulfed by a great wave. It swept on, scouring the earth clean of everything.

 

However, planetwide inundations are no problem for mythical beings and anthropomorphic personifications. Once the waters had subsided the erstwhile combatants picked themselves up and started drying off. Sitting cross-legged ten  feet off the ground was Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction.

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?” asked Death, wringing the water out of the hem of his cloak. “WE WERE STARTING THE END OF THE WORLD!”

 

Shiva giggled. “Beat you to it,” he said. “Now run along and play, children. My pal Vishnu is going to build another one.”

 

Well, the outcry at this statement could be heard to the ends of the cosmos. Having missed out on the end of the world they all wanted to help with the new one. There was only one way to make sure that everyone had a say.

 

Unfortunately, it was to form committees. Committees, sub-committees, oversight committees: the list was endless. When Death heard two Jotunns, an Angel, an imp and a Valkyrie - officially titled the "Sub-sub-Committee on Jellyfish (Wobbliness)" - arguing over how to define the standard unit of the wobble he realised it was going to be a long job.

 

There is a saying that “A camel is a horse designed by a committee” which is a foul slur on a noble beast so well adapted to its environment. However, when the new Earth was finally finished and set wobbling on its unsteady course through the firmament everyone stood back, wiped their hands and realised what a complete pig’s ear they’d made of the whole thing.

 

Far-fetched? Improbable? Couldn’t happen? Personally when I look at the state of our world today I think it already has.

Edited August 12, 2020 by CameronL
I was asked to change the way Death speaks.

[Steamport Southport]

17 hours ago, Gopher said:

A man goes into a pub.  On his shoulder he has a beautiful multi coloured parrot.  He is also accompanied by a 3 foot tall man.

 

He goes up to the bar.  The barman asks him what he would like.  The man says “I’ll have a pint, a bag of nuts for the bird, and a double whisky for the little guy”.  The man pulls out a wallet stuffed with cash, gives the barman £50 and says keep the change.

 

 The man sips his pint, the bird eats the nuts and the little guy swigs the whiskey in one go, and then hurls the empty glass, smashing the optics behind the bar.  The barman rushes up to remonstrate with the man.  The man apologises, pulls out the wallet and gives the barman £500 – to cover the damage. 

 

The man says to the barman  - “same again please”.  He sips his pint, the bird eats the nuts, the little guy swigs the whiskey in one go, and then hurls the empty glass – smashing a mirror.  The barman rushes up and says – “right I’ve had enough of you lot, get out”.  The man apologises, pulls out the wallet and gives the barman £1000, and orders another round.

 

The barman says – “you lot are strange, what’s the story “?  The man says – “well I came across this lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared.  I was granted three wishes.  My first wish was to be rich so I have a wallet which constantly fills with cash.  My second wish was for a beautiful bird, and I got that, (pointing at the parrot on his shoulder).  My third wish was for a 3ft p*ick, and I got him”.                

 

 

That's not the version I know....

 

It's an posh ostrich and a miserly cat....

[KeithMacdonald]

38 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

That's not the version I know....

It's an posh ostrich and a miserly cat....

 

A tall bird and a ????

 

[Reorte]

13 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

A tall bird and a ????

 

Tom with whiskers?

[newbryford]

55 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

 

 

That's not the version I know....

 

It's an posh ostrich and a miserly cat....

 

Or the version with the small piano player.

 

3' pianist

[KeithMacdonald]

3 minutes ago, newbryford said:

 

Or the version with the small piano player.

 

3' pianist

 

Good job it's not the "Pianist With Tourettes" joke.  The Mods would ban us for ages!!!

[Steamport Southport]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

A tall bird and a ????

 

 

The ostrich drinks fine champagne so is a classy bird with long legs.

 

The cat drinks bitter and says "I'm not paying" (may also be from Yorkshire or Scotland)....

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

 

The ostrich drinks fine champagne so is a classy bird with long legs.

 

The cat drinks bitter and says "I'm not paying" (may also be from Yorkshire or Scotland)....

 

RAF Course, five months, five on the course, one of which joined every Round of drinks.....   and never paid for a single one.  Apparently Alnwick can well match all the others.

 

Julian

PS.  Yes indeed, it was mentioned, but to no avail.

 

[APOLLO]

[Alex TM]

6 hours ago, CameronL said:

Can anyone hear that? There’s a fight going on somewhere.”

Hi folks,

 

Love the story.  Two questions:

 

1.  have you been reading Pratchett? and

2.  shouldn't the words of death be in SMALL BLOCK CAPITALS?

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[Binky]

What are the advantages of living in Switzerland?

 

Well for starters, the national flag is a big plus!

[CameronL]

10 minutes ago, Alex TM said:

Hi folks,

 

Love the story.  Two questions:

 

1.  have you been reading Pratchett? and

2.  shouldn't the words of death be in SMALL BLOCK CAPITALS?

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

Thanks.

 

1. Yes, been a fan since The Colour of Magic 

2. Thought it might have been a bit plagiaristic. However, for three "Agrees" to this post I'll happily edit the original TO INCLUDE CAPITALS.

[KeithMacdonald]

52 minutes ago, APOLLO said:

 

Many a true word has been spoken in jest.

 

Why no-one can ever recover from COVID-19 in England – a statistical anomaly
 

Quote

 

PHE regularly looks for people on the NHS database who have ever tested positive, and simply checks to see if they are still alive or not. PHE does not appear to consider how long ago the COVID test result was, nor whether the person has been successfully treated in hospital and discharged to the community. Anyone who has tested COVID positive but subsequently died at a later date of any cause will be included on the PHE COVID death figures.

 

By this PHE definition, no one with COVID in England is allowed to ever recover from their illness.

 

A patient who has tested positive, but successfully treated and discharged from hospital, will still be counted as a COVID death even if they had a heart attack or were run over by a bus three months later.

 

 

https://www.cebm.net/covid-19/why-no-one-can-ever-recover-from-covid-19-in-england-a-statistical-anomaly/

[Steamport Southport]

Always be careful.....

 

[PhilJ W]

3 hours ago, jcredfer said:

 

RAF Course, five months, five on the course, one of which joined every Round of drinks.....   and never paid for a single one.  Apparently Alnwick can well match all the others.

 

Julian

PS.  Yes indeed, it was mentioned, but to no avail.

 

We had one like that many years ago on a course. He found a pint of water in front of him instead of beer.

[Al51]

4 hours ago, APOLLO said:

Is that your flatmate?

 

Al

[Steamport Southport]

Someone started a thread about cats.

 

 

 

Had to be done.

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

We had one like that many years ago on a course. He found a pint of water in front of him instead of beer.

 

I did get my own return, but it took about 8 years of patient waiting.  He had to do a report, on a course, provided from outside the RAF, he had been on and it landed on my desk, at MoD.  It contained a description of the course but totally failed to address the actual point of the report, which was to evaluate the usefulness of the course for the RAF.  I simply passed it up the line.  It came back to my desk in 24 hrs {That's rocket powered in MoD} asking me to contact said author and get him to rewrite the report, so as to evaluate the usefulness to the RAF.  I simply passed the requests from above, as quotes and waited.  He was incandescent, mainly because the course was, in truth, a "Bit of a Jolly", which meant he had quite a problem lumped on his desk and it was now public viewing, being copied to his bosses.  For one, very public, time he was left to pay the bill.

 

Julian

PS, What he never knew, was that I had already informed those up the line, of the very positive liaison benefits with other organisations which the course provided.   Strangely, none of those other departments chose to pass that information to him either.

 

[F-UnitMad]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

Someone started a thread about cats.

 

 

 

Had to be done.

Again.....