NorthBrit Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 37 minutes ago, SVRlad said: I’m stealing that one for when I have to do an after dinner speech! I hope only members of your house will be there otherwise the Covid Police will know. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Sidecar Racer said: Old couple in heaven. The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’ The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’ The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. ‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man. ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’ Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’ The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked. That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’ The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’ ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer. ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’ ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’ The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your effing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!! My wife wants to know if there is a smoking section! 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Chris116 said: My wife wants to know if there is a smoking section! That's downstairs, I'm afraid... 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 20 minutes ago, Compound2632 said: That's downstairs, I'm afraid... That was what she was worried about! 1 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 3 hours ago, NorthBrit said: I hope only members of your house will be there otherwise the Covid Police will know. I said ‘when I have to’. That might not be for another year as no one does an after dinner speech at home! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, SVRlad said: I said ‘when I have to’. That might not be for another year as no one does an after dinner speech at home! I don't know about that, I was on the receiving end of some when I was a kid about how I was going to help with the washing up! 6 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) On 01/10/2020 at 05:14, Reorte said: Since I usually hear news on the radio and don't pay too much attention to the picture at the top of an online news story there are hardly any current politicians I'd actually recognise even though I know who they are. I wouldn't recognise Kier Starmer for example. I did not know who Boris was until I read about him here; the last PM of yours that I actually could name is Mrs. Thatcher. In a similar vein, I could not even remember our VP's name until I saw it on an election sign this morning and if you ask me now, I have forgotten it! That reminds me of a joke that was around in the mid-1800s: There were two brothers, one went to sea and one became vice president; neither were heard from again. Following Reorte's comments, I can add movie, tv personalities to it. I do not watch the boobtube or movies. Too many other interesting things to do and way too many books left to read. Edited October 2, 2020 by J. S. Bach To correct a spelling error. 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted October 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 1, 2020 8 hours ago, Chris116 said: That was what she was worried about! And if it's a golf club, in some (prehistoric) establishments she won't be allowed in after 7pm.................. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post CameronL Posted October 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) There's a rather obscure sect of the Church of England with a very peculiar rule - they won't let their newlyweds have "intimate relations" for thirty days after the wedding (based on some obscure and probably misunderstood passage from Leviticus, or was it Deuteronomy?) Anyway, one day a newlywed couple had a meeting with the Minister. "How can I help you?" he asked. "It's that thirty day rule," the husband almost sobbed. "I'm afraid we didn't make it." "Tell me more," said the Minister. (Men of the cloth have to find their fun where they can). "Just look at my wife," the man replied. "She's beautiful, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, and she was just too much of a temptation. Things didn't start too badly - cold showers and going running every evening meant I was too tired do contemplate much after we went to bed, but by about day 15 I had to go to the doctor's to get myself some sleeping pills. With their help I managed to keep to myself until about day 23, but then it happened." "What happened?" asked the Minister, now thoroughly hooked. "Well, my wife bought herself a new miniskirt and that was just too much! I saw her bending over to pick up a packet of soap powder and I just lost all control. I jumped her there and then. It was FANTASTIC, and since then we've been doing it every chance we get. But we're worried that we've broken the rules. We won't get banned from the church, will we?" "It's not that serious," replied the Minister soothingly. "What made you think you'd get banned from the church?" "Well, it got us banned from Tesco." Edited October 2, 2020 by CameronL Typo 4 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 2, 2020 4 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gopher Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 Rugby Tickets Lions v Springboks 2nd test 31 July 2021 CapeTown. This may be of interest to some of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for Lions v SA. He paid £300 each, but unbelievably he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to end up being the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. Its @ Pontypridd Registry Office @ 4.30pm The bride's name is Megan, she is 5'4", about 8 stone, pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. 3 1 3 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 Subject: Depression 2020 style This is a sad story of a man's horribly haunting depression. Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car. Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery. 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 Any drawings? 2 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 32 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said: Any drawings? Ruddy nutters.... 1 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted October 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 2, 2020 14 hours ago, CameronL said: ...snip..."Well, it got us banned from Tesco." Change that to the A&P and I heard that one thirty years ago; at least! 3 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 2 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 2, 2020 2 4 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 2, 2020 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted October 3, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 3, 2020 7 hours ago, PhilJ W said: Reminds me of the dropped ball joint picture, which I couldn't possibly post! Mike. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 19 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Reminds me of the dropped ball joint picture, which I couldn't possibly post! Mike. Thank you, the mental picture is hard enough to erase as it is... 3 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacol Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 3, 2020 5 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, J. S. Bach said: Change that to the A&P and I heard that one thirty years ago; at least! Make it at least forty for me. The old ones are the best. Speaking of which (and this is true) somebody recently discovered what is considered one of the world's oldest joke books. It's from 4th century AD Greece and includes a joke about a man who went to a slave dealer to complain that the slave he'd recently bought had just died. "By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!" That's right - it was an Ancient Greek version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" sketch. I wonder if it also had "No-one expects the Spartan Inquisition!" Edited October 3, 2020 by CameronL Typo 5 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-Jiff Kenobi Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 Ah, so the slave must have been from Norway... 2 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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