The Forum Jokes Thread

[ColinK]

Has anyone got any music jokes?

 

The bluegrass band I play in has got a rare gig on Thursday and I’ve been asked to introduce our songs.  Could do with a few jokes to occupy the audience while people retune their instruments.

[chris p bacon]

How do you know if there's a drummer at the door ? ...The knocking gets faster..

 

What do you call a drummer that's left his girlfriend ?....Homeless.

[Ramblin Rich]

6 minutes ago, chris p bacon said:

How do you know if there's a drummer at the door ? ...The knocking gets faster..

 

What do you call a drummer that's left his girlfriend ?....Homeless.

I hope @chris p bacon isn't a drummer.

'Cos....

How can you be sure a stage is level?

The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth

[Vistisen]

Apparently  a bass player is halfway between  a drummer and a musician.

[luckymucklebackit]

26 minutes ago, ColinK said:

Has anyone got any music jokes?

 

The bluegrass band I play in has got a rare gig on Thursday and I’ve been asked to introduce our songs.  Could do with a few jokes to occupy the audience while people retune their instruments.

 

 

What do you get when a Smurf pees on your lawn?

 

Bluegrass

 

 

[CameronL]

1Tuning's a pain in the 4rse. You do it - then a year later you need to do it again.

 

If I ever get this thing in tune I'm going to weld the winches in place.

 

Just a little pause while the band tunes  - like that's going to make any difference.

------------

There was once a drummer in a band who got rather fed up of his band mates telling him that he wasn't a proper musician because all he did was hit things with sticks (a skill that can be found in any primary school, according to them).

 

He decided that he was going to learn a "proper" instrument. He didn't care how long it took. Three, four, even five weeks would be time well spent. Inspired by Dave Grohl, guitarist with the Foo Fighters and ex-drummer of Nirvana, he decided that the guitar would be the instrument for him.

 

So, after some research he went shopping. 

 

"Good afternoon," he said to the man behind the counter. "I want a sunburst effect Gibson Les Paul with a hand-tooled leather strap, a selection of picks from soft to hard, a ten-meter cable, a Marshall amplifier and pre-amp, and one of every effects pedal you've got in the shop."

 

"You're a drummer, aren't you?" asked the man behind the counter.

 

"Yes," he replied. "How can you tell?"

 

"Because this is a butcher's."

------‐-----

My son has just joined a rock band.

 

They don't have a lot of experience, but they're confident that they can go far.

 

And now they've learned how to go far they're looking forward to learning how to go do, re, me, so, la and ti as well.

‐‐----------

A couple  had a teenage son who decided that he wanted to play the bass guitar, so Dad had a search online and found him a tutor. He called up to arrange the first lesson and, after booking a slot, asked the tutor "One thing that's worrying me. Musical instruments can be very expensive, especially the electric ones 'cos  don't you need an amplifier as well? I'm just worried that he's going to have a go for a few weeks then decided he doesn't like it, and I'll be stuck with some expensive kit. Will he need his own bass and amp straight away?"

 

"No, don't worry, "replied the tutor. "I'll provide everything he needs for the first few lessons. Then if he really shows some talent and is enjoying it you can start thinking about buying him his own guitar."

 

Well, when the tutor turns up for the lesson he brings his own bass and, for the pupil, a piece of 4x2 wood about 3'6" long. There's a screw in either end and stretched between them is a piece of bungee cord. A piece of string is tied between two screw-in eyelets, one at one end and one halfway along the plank to act as a strap. 

 

"This is you axe," says the tutor. "It's tuned to E, so it's like the top string of a bass, and you can use it to get the hold right and try  some top-string exercises."

 

So the lesson starts and the son has a great time and really shows some talent. At the end the tutor says "I think you've got the makings of a really good bass  player. No pressure, but give me a ring if you want another lesson."

 

Then the tutor doesn't hear from the boy for a fortnight, so eventually he phones up and says to him "Hi, it's your tutor here. I was just calling to follow up on your bass lesson. I thought you did really well, and I'm a bit surprised you haven't wanted another, so I was just calling to see if we could arrange something. Is Thursday evening any good?"

 

And the boy replied "Sorry, can't make Thursday. I've got a gig." 

[aardvark]

The inventors of the Ferris wheel and the Merry-go-round never met. They moved in different circles.

 

[The Johnster]

The band are in the green room psyching up for the set, when there’s a knock on the door.  ‘Come in’, says the guitarist, but nobody comes in.  A minute later there’s a knock on the door again, and the bass player shouts out ‘come in, mate, don’t stand out in the cold’.  But still nobody comes in.  Another minute passes and there is a third knock on the door.  ‘It’s the singer’, says the drummer, ‘he never knows when to come in’!

 

Boom tish…

 

[CameronL]

[F-UnitMad]

11 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

 

What do you get when a Smurf pees on your lawn?

 

Bluegrass

 

 

If you suffocate a Smurf, what colour would it go? 🤷‍♂️

[Gopher]

What's the difference between a Drummer and a Drum Machine ?

 

You only have to punch the instructions once into a drum machine.

 

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians ?

 

A drummer

Edited June 26, 2023 by Gopher

[petethemole]

I heard all the drummer jokes from the late Martin Smith (Gentle Giant's original drummer and previously in Simon Dupree and the Big Sound).  Most are frequently applied also to bass players and banjo players.  I don't think we've had this one:

Why are drummers always buried 12 feet down instead of six feet?

Because deep down, they're really nice people.

[BoD]

The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps tonight' is never more that a whim away.

 

The difference between a drummer and Dr Scholl's?

Dr Scholl's bucks up the feet.

 

Who sang 'Aint no sunshine'?

Oh. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, 

[J. S. Bach]

That middle one took a moment!

[exmoordave]

Can't wait to watch Elton John after I finish my decorating. I'm still sanding.....

[KeithMacdonald]

I watched that Elton John performance with M'Lady.

 

I was moved by Elton's final song, and a perhaps unexpected RMWeb connection.  It was all about the desperate but ultimately futile attempt of one poor deluded fool to use Robert Stevenson's original locomotive as an "operator of last resort" to improve the punctuality of Trans-Pennine Express trains. In the final scene/verse, a passenger on the station asked the train manager what the name of the locomotive is, and what time they would get to Liverpool Lime Street.

The reply?

Rocket man - I think it's going to be a long long time.

 

Amongst the many VIP passengers, we caught several glimpses of Paul McCartney. Perhaps waiting for the connection to Liverpool Lime Street. British Transport Police wish to interview Mr McCartney in connection with their enquiries into the whereabouts of Maggie May.

[iands]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

.... 

Amongst the many VIP passengers, we caught several glimpses of Paul McCartney. Perhaps waiting for the connection to Liverpool Lime Street. British Transport Police wish to interview Mr McCartney in connection with their enquiries into the whereabouts of Maggie May.

I don't get the connection with that one, I must be missing something? 

[KeithMacdonald]

42 minutes ago, iands said:

I don't get the connection with that one, I must be missing something? 

 

Sorry. I have to admit it was a bit obscure, or only obvious to anyone who knows all the lyrics to too many Beatles songs.
 

Quote

 

Lime Street, Liverpool

The street is mentioned as the favourite haunt of prostitute "Maggie May" in the Liverpool folk song of that name, most famously recorded by the Beatles on the album Let It Be.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lime_Street,_Liverpool

 

 

 

[ColinK]

Thanks for all the mudic jokes everyone.  I’ve enough now to fill the time when banjos are retuning.

[chris p bacon]

1 hour ago, ColinK said:

I’ve enough now to fill the time when banjos are retuning.

 

The best noise a banjo makes, is when you hear it bouncing off an accordion after being thrown in a skip 😀

[Compound2632]

42 minutes ago, chris p bacon said:

The best noise a banjo makes, is when you hear it bouncing off an accordion after being thrown in a skip 😀

 

In my supply teaching days, I had to cover a Year 7 music lesson in which the pupils were using the class set of banjos...

[Hroth]

7 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

In my supply teaching days, I had to cover a Year 7 music lesson in which the pupils were using the class set of banjos...

 

Sounds like a scene from the mangrove swamps of Essex....

 

[ColinK]

The bluegrass band I play in has several banjos and an acordian, plus three bass players!

[Compound2632]

41 minutes ago, ColinK said:

The bluegrass band I play in has several banjos and an acordian, plus three bass players!

 

Interesting mix. As I read that, you've got three bass players without basses, so I suppose they're playing three of the banjos? The accordion will be best left gathering dust in the corner.

[Dagworth]

How do you tell banjo tunes apart? By the name

 

What’s perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo down a well without hitting the sides 

 

Andi