Obi-Jiff Kenobi

I'm sure I saw 'covfefe' in there somewhere...

What's a sub-woofer? Ship's dog on a U-boat!

I absolve myself of all responsibility, I never suggested you should listen to it!

Ah, a fan of Heinlein or The Monkees?

Heaven knows I'm miserable now - never has a lyric been more appropriate!

What colour is a belch? Burple!

A man takes his young son to a horse auction. Once there, the man begins examining the stock, running his hands over the horses' necks, along their chests and stomachs, down their legs, over their rumps, etc. The lad watches with interest, and says: "What are you doing, Daddy?" "I'm checking these horses to see which one I want to buy," replies the father. At that the young boy bursts into tears. "What's the matter," asks dad. "I think," replies the lad between sobs, "the milkman wants to buy mummy!"

Must be one of they newfangled flyin' cars.

There once was a lady called Kelly, Whose bottom was ever so smelly, When she trumped there’d arise, Cries of fear and surprise, From as far away as Pwllheli.

There was a young lady from Venus, Whose body was shaped like a

There once was a man called Cyril, Who picnicked for lunch in the Wirral, His sandwich was stole, By a short-sighted mole, And his nuts were pinched by a squirrel.

A jolly old bear at the zoo, Could always find something to do, When it bored him to go, On a walk to and fro, He’d reverse it and walk fro and to.

Did I ever tell you about the time I broke in to the licorice factory? I ended up in allsorts of trouble...

Film director Billy Wilder had cause to travel to Europe shortly after World War II. His wife asked him to look for a bidet whilst he was there. After a short while on the continent, he sent her a telegram that read: UNABLE FIND BIDET STOP SUGGEST HANDSTAND IN SHOWER STOP

That’s the funniest thing ever posted! Congratulations, you’ve just won the internet!

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

Is it a bit like saying Stalin was easily upset by poor performance?

Must be Paul McCatney.

I once saw written on a van: No dogs - or fat birds.

And is your name Anthea?

If you're of a nervous disposition, look away now: I mean now: Alright, you've had your warnings: I mean it: No, really: Last chance: Right, here goes: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I had another dog, one with legs. Every day we'd go for a tramp in the woods. The tramp got pretty fed up with it.

He must come from Barcelona. Not the city Barcelona, the planet Barcelona. You'll love it, fantastic place, they've got dogs with no noses! You can make that joke all day and it is still funny.

I once had a dog with no legs. I called him Woodbine, and every morning I'd take him out for a drag.

I'm really looking for'ard to 19th September - International Talk Like a Pirate Day!