The Forum Jokes Thread

[smudgeloco]

HA HA - Made me want to do something with - Rudolph Hitler!

[rmnik]

Why was G?¶ring last to finish his dinner.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

because Joseph Goebbels

[Richard_S]

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

 

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".

 

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend in bed!"

 

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says. "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"

 

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him in straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!!"

[NGT6 1315]

A pregnant woman enters a bakery and says, "I shall have a bread." The baker responds, "You're not kidding."

[Steve K]

Hi Dominik - I'm afraid that didn't translate too well... is it something along the lines of the British expression "having a bun in the oven"?

[St. Simon]

Hi,

 

Seen as it's getting to christmas:

 

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

 

 

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way ??¦

 

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is

considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk

assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only

one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger

proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners

before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not

participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is

moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 

 

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around ??¦

 

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and

Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without

appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,

stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also

requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time

of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from

centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his

/ her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have

been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects

of UVA, UVB and Glory.

 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows ??¦

 

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities act, it is

inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness

of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R

Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and

disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this

offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -

including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this

investigation takes place.

 

 

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load ??¦

 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a

load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also

included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the

donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding

period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from

the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to

prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed

his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be

simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack

thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

 

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star ??¦

 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for

gold', etc. - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due

to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic

reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to

a worthy cause in the recipient??™s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by

stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC

Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest

route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the

guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three

kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks

for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust

from the camels??™ hooves.

 

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you ??¦

 

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk

of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur,

a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be

considered a suitable alternative.

 

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records

Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock

baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all

times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before

rocking commences.

 

Away in a Manger

Away in a Manger,

No Crib for a bed ??¦

Social services???????

 

Simon

[John_Hughes]

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator.

 

'Do you serve lawyers?' he asks.

 

'We certainly do, sir!'

 

'Then I'll just have a pint of beer, and my alligator will have a lawyer.'

[RedgateModels]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto " We love to fly and it shows ".

 

The woman looks at him blankly.

 

He sits back and thinks up another line.

 

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world"..

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 

Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says " What the f*** do you want ?"

 

"Ah!" he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "

 

 

should this now be changed to BA????

 

 

 

 

 

[96701]

How many cats does it take to paint a wall?

...depends how hard you throw them

 

A doctor eats an apple, thus creating a paradox

 

I farted in a lift the other day. It was wrong on many levels.

 

What's invisible and smells of bananas?

monkey fart

 

How do you start a teddy bear race?

Marry one and have children.

 

According to research only one in seven dwarfs is happy

 

Did you hear about the man with a limp and a lisp?

...he walked round in Thircles

 

What's soft and slippery?

A slipper.

 

My friend told me to buy Rage Against the Machine's "Killing In The Name" in protest against the X-Factor always getting the Christmas No. 1.

I said no! I won't do what you tell me, somebody's got to take a stand"

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; no way. You won't bring it back."

 

Did you hear about the:-

 

Dyslexic devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa

 

Dyslexic ###### who bought a warehouse?

 

Dyslexic alcoholic, choked on his own vimto.

 

Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? Used to lie awake at night, wondering if there was a dog.

 

Did you hear about the clairvoyant dwarf that recently escaped from prison?

Local press are reporting a small, medium at large.

 

Hear the one about a red-indian chief who drank 50 gallons of tea?

He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee

 

How do you get two whales in a mini?

Across the Severn bridge!

 

A trans-sexuals best christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

 

Whats E.T short for?

Its cause he had little legs....

 

Whats the difference between a fetish and a perversion?

With a fetish you use a feather, with a perversion you use the entire duck

 

Real Madrid 2, Surreal Madrid fish.

 

What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?

Iglue

 

Did you hear about the magic Tractor?

It turned into a field.

 

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in.

 

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because he had a canoe thrown at his head

 

What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a cat

 

Why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees?

Because they're good at it.

 

What's the best cheese for disguising a horse?

Mascarpone

 

someone asked me the other day; 'what's your pet hate?'. I said "it doesn't like things shoved up it's backside".

 

Masochist : Hurt me.

Sadist : No.

 

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

 

I was offered eight venison legs today, but turned them down as they were too dear.

 

Two snowmen in field, one turns to the other and says...

"can you smell carrots?"

 

Butcher offers customer prime meat cuts off the top shelf.

Customer: "No thanks the steaks are too high."

 

Whats the similarity between 5.30am and a pigs tail- they're both twirly

 

Whats green and eats nuts?

syphilis.

 

Why do mice have small balls ?

Because not many of them can dance.

 

What is yellow, smells of bananas and hangs from trees? Monkey Sick

 

What has a nut in every bite? Squirrel sick

 

The masochist who liked nothing better than a freezing cold bath every morning, so he had a hot one instead.

 

Stupid dwarves:

not big and not clever.

 

Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo and are walking down the seafront.

"You know", says one to the other, "I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday."

 

What's the difference between a duck?

One goes quack. ? 

 

Venison's deer isn't it ?

 

Stationary store moves !

 

Man walks into a cake shop in Glasgow: "Hauw, is that a pavlova in tha windae, or a meringue?"

"Naw yer right, it's a pavlova"

 

Woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre,so the barman gave her one.

 

Whets red and not there?

No tomatoes.

 

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but only if it really wants to change.

 

What's the difference between a duck ? one leg is both the same....

 

How many premenstrual women does it take to change a light bulb?

17

Why?

It just does,you b*stard.

 

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

- "What is it son."

- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

 

Knock Knock

"who's there?"

"A control freak, now you have to say 'Control Freak Who?'"

 

A sandwich goes to the pub, walks up to the bar, asks for a drink, the barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food"

[Adam1701D]

I hear that Venos are sponsoring a new video game...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catarrah Hero

[Richard_S]

John, who worked in the coal mines was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed poor John to death.

 

A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of John:

 

It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Very much liked the two Blackpool Lion jokes,very subtle and very funny.

P.S.In my old football days we played a Cup game against a team called Athletico Support,they were quite good actually,or maybe we just couldn't stop laughing when we discovered that their nickname was "The Trusses",(true story).

[Richard320]

I got this in an email

 

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

[shortliner]

"Not quite as the History Books Depict", or "If political correctnes had come about somewhat earlier"

 

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her

duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion

or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the

censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free

working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full

speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and

they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone

up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even

to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by

playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let

the crew up the rigging without hard hats.. And they don't want anyone

breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the

men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid

lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear yousaying that

sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,

s####y and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about s####y?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

[Allegheny1600]

This..................is just a joke...................honest!!!!

 

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a

drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender.

"Hey, You wanna hear a Liverpool joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. The man next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you

should know five things.

 

Number One. The bartender is a Liverpoolfan with a baseball bat.

Number Two. The bouncer is a Liverpool Fan

Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Liverpool Fan with a black

belt in karate.

Number Four. The man sitting next to me is a Scouser and a professional

weightlifter.

Number Five. The man to your right is a Scouser and a professional

wrestler.

He concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah,

not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE TIMES!!!."

 

And i live only a few miles away!!!!!

Cheers,

John E.

[Allegheny1600]

Sorry chaps, can't help myself - simply HAD to post this one!.................

 

 

 

A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer said, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to get it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The angry lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gush'n' from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

 

Tee he!

John E.

[shortliner]

In the fun world of the administration of New Zealand Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

 

 

For example:

 

 

 

On a bitterly cold winter's day earlier this year, on the Desert Rd a NZ Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective gear from head to toe, including helmet, stalled by the roadside. "

 

What's the matter?" asked the constable.

 

 

 

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

 

 

 

Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

 

 

 

 

Can't."

 

 

 

OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

 

 

 

A few days later, the Waiouru office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded........................"

 

[48666]

Be carefull on the roads, drining conditions are awful.

I've just come off the road and hit a chav!!!

It took me 10 minutes, 2 fields and a golf corse but I got the little Bast@rd

 

Andii

[invercloy]

One i heard from Billy Connolly at the Apollo last night:

 

There's a married couple living in a remote cottage who are asleep on a stormy night. Suddenly there is a massive bolt of lightning and a boom of thunder, a stranger knocks walks up their path and wakes the couple with some incessant banging on their door.

 

The wife says to the husband "can you go and see who that is?"

 

So the husband begrudgingly gets out of bed and walks down to the door. "Hello?" he says to the stranger... The stranger replies "can you give me a push please?"

 

The husband can't be bothered with the hassle and slams the door on the man and trudges back up to bed.

 

When his wife asks why he didn't help the guy she makes him feel guilty about the time when they were on holiday and had to ask a local for a push when their car broke down. The man remembers this and feels a pang of guilt, so he puts some clothes on and heads downstairs.

 

He heads out of the front door and cries out "WHERE'S THE MAN THAT NEEDS A PUSH?"

 

Seconds later the reply comes... 'I'M OVER HERE ON THE SWING!"

 

There were plenty of others that made me absolutely cry with laughter, but unfortunately due to profanity I can't repeat them

[dseagull]

Probably never happened, but made me laugh anyway

 

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.

 

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and

all the sardines were dead."

[DonB]

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless

and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

 

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and

March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and

Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had

been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

 

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

 

Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

 

ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 

ANZ:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

 

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 

ANZ:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to

the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 

Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 

ANZ:

'Excuse me?'

 

Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . ... The part about her

being dead?'

 

ANZ:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 

ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 

ANZ:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 

Family Member:

'No, I'm her great-nephew.'

(Lawyer info given)

 

ANZ:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 

Family Member:

'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

 

After they get the fax:

 

ANZ:

'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I

can do to help.'

 

Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing

her. I don't think she will care.'

 

ANZ:

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

 

Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'

 

ANZ:

'That might help.'

 

Family Member:

' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number

1049.'

 

ANZ:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 

Family Member:

'Well, what the #**# do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[NGT6 1315]

Ten fridges go running through a forest. What's wrong with that?

 

Fridges do not flock.

[48666]

Jim was talkin to his mate at the bar and says "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She's got everything and besides, she can afford to buy whatever she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend replies, "I've got an idea. Why don't you make her a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex anytime she wants it. She'd probably love that."

"That's a brilliant idea." say Jim finishing his pint and heading home.

The next day at the bar his friend asks "Well? Did you make the certificate?"

"Yes I did." Jim replies

"Did she like it?"

" Oh yeah! She thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling "I'll be back in an hour""

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Four blokes go out to play golf one day. While one is held up in the clubhouse the other three discuss there sons while walking to the first tee.

"My son has his own car dealership" says one, "He's so successful, he's just given his best friend a car as a gift."

The second man not to be outdone, reveals how his son has made a name for himself in the building industry. "He's doing so well that last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

Feeling competative, the third man tells how his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and has recently given a good friend a highly valuable stock portfolio as a gift.

Finally the forth man Joins them at the first tee and hears that they've been discussing their children. " To be honest," he says," I'm not at all pleased with how my son has turned out. I've just discovered he's gay. But on the other hand, he must be doing something right, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, car and a big pile of stock certificates."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man goes to the doctor about his flatulence problem.

" I keep farting all the time," he tells the doc, "but my farts don't smell and you can't hear them. You wouldn't know it but I've farted three times since I've been in here, I want to be able to control myself. What can you give me?"

The doctor picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled. "Great will this really clear up my farting problem?"

"No," sighs the doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses and I want you to come back again next week for a hearing test."

 

Andii

[JZ]

Three plane loads of volounteers flew out of Liverpool to Haiti.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help with the looting.

[Claude_Dreyfus]

A seasonal joke...

 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor; I can't stop singing 'Auld Lang Syne'....

Doctor: Ah this is serious...I'll have to refer you to the Burns unit...