How to get lynched at a model railway show

[OnTheBranchline]

A retort of any operator at an exhibition is "I would like to see your exhibition layout then"

[C&WR]

A retort of any operator at an exhibition is "I would like to see your exhibition layout then"

 

I thought that quip was supposed to be from visitor to exhibitor.  Definite lynching potential!

[Clive Mortimore]

I thought that quip was supposed to be from visitor to exhibitor.  Definite lynching potential!

Who says it is the exhibitors doing the lynching?

 

The stringing up of some exhibitors might be more entertaining than their train sets.

 

Edit I have many more useful tips on how to make friends.

Edited December 14, 2013 by Clive Mortimore

[Iain Popplewell]

How about intently scrutinising a fine-scale OO layout for several minutes paying particular attention to the trackwork,look impressed and then politely asking one of the operators,"Excuse me what scale is the layout?" With a bit of luck they will stammer back," do you mean is it EM  or P4?"Then assume an air of complete superiority/ indifference and  walk away  saying " No I just wondered if it was built to scale that's all."

Should the operator reply "The layouts OO finescale" assume an air of complete superiority/indifference and walk away saying"So it's not built to scale then."

 

I realise this has probably already been done at some show or other,but I'm interested to know if the perpetrator was actually lynched or not.

[grahame]

 

I realise this has probably already been done at some show or other,but I'm interested to know if the perpetrator was actually lynched or not.

 

I would imagine that they'd be easily identifiable by the black eye.

 

G.

[Coombe Barton]

Should the operator reply "The layouts OO finescale" assume an air of complete superiority/indifference and walk away saying"So it's not built to scale then."

 

You could say - "It's seven inches short"

[Iain Popplewell]

You could say - "It's seven inches short"

Or you might say,in nasal monotone, "I see your layout purports to represent a railway in August sometime in the 1930's, allowing for summer temperatures and subsequent gauge widening due to heat expansion and the track laying standards of the S&DJR at that time I calculate that your layout is inaccurate by at least 7.000013 inches plus or minus 0.000006 inches applying the standard 95% confidence limits.This layout is no more finescale than the average Thomas the tank  layout.Good day to you."

 

Then walk away with an air of complete contempt/superiority.

 

 

Edit:Thanks to Newbryford for the phrase "nasal monotone" Nicked from an earlier posting of his on this very thread.Sorry about that, but it was only on rereading the thread that I realised where I'd got it from.

Edited December 18, 2013 by iainp

[iL Dottore]

One way to make yourself VERY unpopular would be to place yourself close to the entrance of a model railway show holding the leash of a Labrador or Golden Retriever that wears a dog-coat that reads "OFFICIAL SHOW SNIFFER DOG". Next to you will be a sign that reads (in big letters) "MODEL RAILWAY SHOW HYGIENE STATION" and underneath in smaller letters the words "PATRONS WHO DO NOT PASS THE SNIFFER DOG CHECK WILL BE DENIED ENTRANCE"

 

Have a mate standing close by selling deodorant sprays and wet-wipes (at a huge mark-up)

 

...and watch the fun commence!

Edited December 18, 2013 by iL Dottore

[The Stationmaster]

As a little aside to all this there was an item on TV last night (on 'The One Show') about the sort of things which upset old ladies and one of them had a major rant about people wearing large back packs and not looking at what they were doing/who they were hitting when they turned round.

 

It didn't mention which show she attended

[C&WR]

I hope she got revenge by running them over with her little tartan trolley on wheels!

[bluebottle]

Forget taking shopping trolleys to exhibitions as a way of getting lynched.Just take a coach load of old ladies,perfect !

 

Who, presumably, will cause a stoppage at the door by demanding a concessionary entrance charge, use their O/S handbags as battering rams, loudly point out errors in all the layouts, drink all the tea and eat all the cakes, leave a strong odour of urine in their wake etc. etc.; finally leaving laden down with hugely expensive goodies from the trade stands - to the relief of all those under-65s who have, meanwhile, been behaving impeccably  ...

 

Edit: added smiley.

Re-edit: replaced inadequate smiley with pic. of OAP spokesman.

P.S.: the quoted post has apparently been withdrawn; I hope my post hasn't been taken as directly aimed at one fellow member rather than a general grump about categorisation of oldies.

 

Edited December 18, 2013 by bluebottle

[C&WR]

With the exception of the urine bit you've just described The Long Haired Controller's Mother...

Edited December 18, 2013 by C&WR

[bbishop]

iL Dottore,

 

Does the HM have a passport?

 

Bill

[iL Dottore]

iL Dottore,

 

Does the HM have a passport?

 

Bill

Actually, yes he does.

 

But he wouldn't be a good sniffer dog as he gets easily distracted by fast moving objects (balls, cats, deer). Actually, now that I think of it, letting the Hairy Monster off the leash at an exhibition, free to chase the trains going round-and-round would certainly get me lynched (although those layouts operating prototypically would have nothing to fear from a dog that chases fast objects....   OK, OK, I'll get me coat...)

Edited December 18, 2013 by iL Dottore

[Iain Popplewell]

Who, presumably, will cause a stoppage at the door by demanding a concessionary entrance charge, use their O/S handbags as battering rams, loudly point out errors in all the layouts, drink all the tea and eat all the cakes, leave a strong odour of urine in their wake etc. etc.; finally leaving laden down with hugely expensive goodies from the trade stands - to the relief of all those under-65s who have, meanwhile, been behaving impeccably  ...

 

victor meldrew.jpg

Edit: added smiley.

Re-edit: replaced inadequate smiley with pic. of OAP spokesman.

P.S.: the quoted post has apparently been withdrawn; I hope my post hasn't been taken as directly aimed at one fellow member rather than a general grump about categorisation of oldies.

 

No offence taken at all Bluebottle it's just that immediately after posting I realised how sexist and ageist my remark was and given that there are quite a few female modellers about and also given how many ageing male modellers there are about I anticipated a response very much like your post.I thought  I'd got away with it,but your razor like wit was too quick for me,yet again.

[davknigh]

Set a brimfull cup of coffee/tea/soft drink in the middle of a layout's main line just as the crack express is entering the scene. Then bend over and rummage through your overstuffed backpack for at least 10 minutes. Note: best results can be obtained if the layout is 0 scale. Actually the backpack part is optional...

 

Cheers,

 

David

[Suzie]

That reminds me of my surprise at someone not getting lynched as he calmly walked up to a very nice 3rd rail  7mm layout with ground signals and rested his elbow on the track. The layout noticeably rocked as he placed all his weight on it. I was quite speechless. I was even more shocked when he moved along the layout and promptly rested his elbow on a nice grassy hillock. Quite extraordinary.

[Clive Mortimore]

True story.....this bloke was very lucky the surprise and shock of the event had the better of me.

 

Exhibiting at the Woking show when this posh geezer, about 45ish, tweed jacket, old school tie and plumb in mouth was looking at Hanging Hill, "I say what is that?" Before any of us could see where he was indicating this hand reached at over the barrier and picked up a loco.....not any loco but one of my scratch built BTH type 1s (class 15 for the great unwashed). He flipped it over and starred at the undergubbins. "Oh it is not Hornby!!!!!" It is placed back on the layout as swiftly as it had been removed but not on the track. He then wanders off totally ignoring the gang of operators calling "Oi!! Mate come back 'ere." As I stood there open mouthed and muttering ".....not even back on the track....not even back on the track....not even back on the track ......not even back on the track....."

 

I was helped away and given a cup of tea and some abuse from the operators from Tonbridge West Yard to bring back to normality.

[bbishop]

iL Dottore,

 

So there wouldn't be a problem taking the HM to Scalefourum.

 

Bill

[bbishop]

Many years ago, I was operating my stock on a 7mm layout. A double track though station was being operated as a single line terminus and the redundant track was pretending to be a carriage siding, so nothing in the way of trap points. My Greyhound was leaving the station hauling my Bulleid 57' set when I just happened to look to my left. To my horror, an old dear had launched my Maunsell open second the length of the siding, saying to her grandson "look it does move". With a collision speed of a scale 100mph between a DJB locomotive and Westdale coaches, there was going to be a lot of damage. I reacted my putting my hand on the Maunsell roof. I lost most of the skin off my forefinger, the Maunsell lost a lavatory filler tank, the old dear hightailed it. Luckily the resulting collision resulted in no more damage.

 

Bill

[Iain Popplewell]

As many enthusiasts will know the Alsagers group layout Hassell Harbour has a most magnificent bridge and harbour.The harbour situated at ground level and the bridge at a more normal baseboard hight.Connecting the two is a very nice working cable operated incline.The ground level harbour scene is a God send and a delight to small children who for once can view a layout without adult help.

A few years ago at the  Wakefield show I was admiring the bridge and harbour.Not far away a five year old enthusiast of the future was intently watching a very nice box van being lowered down the incline. The box van had clearly impressed him because he then picked it up of the incline carrying truck for a closer look.In horror his mother hurriedly took the van from the child and ,bless her,panicked and tried to put the van back on the incline.This dislodged the incline carrying truck from it's track with  every sign that the cable was about to be broken as she feverishly tried to remedy the developing situation.

Just as one of the operators noticed what was happening,I'm ashamed to admit, that like one of these people who leave an accident scene rather than get involved I quietly walked/ran away.

I doubt anyone was lynched for this incident but I know feel that had I behaved in a more chivalrous manner I might have stayed to defend the unfortunate mother from any repercussions, I just hope it all ended without too much blood shed.

[C&WR]

Not a railway exhibition, an art one, but involving trains.  The Long Haired Controller and I met through London Irish Rugby, and when we got engaged the club's then main sponsors CityJet gave us flights to Paris in congratulation.

 

Anyway, while we were there I was very keen to visit the Musee du Quai Branly, an ethnographic museum, partly to show The Small Controller something about his Kiwi heritage and partly as there was a special exhibition called "The Century of Jazz" which covered art and design and how this linked into the music of the period.

 

Tickets obtained we went into the first hall.  There we were greeted by this, a tribute to the musician John Coltrane:

 

 

Now to the then two-and-a-half-year-old Small Controller Trains laid out on the floor could only mean one thing.  Something for a boy to play with.

 

In a trice he had slipped his reins, jumped the low wire protecting the exhibit, and made for the locomotive.  Honestly, it was like a sort of Gallic Bateman cartoon as The Long Haired Controller and I tried to grab him and the French museum staff hove into view.

 

Luckily there was little damage done, except to our pride.  To add insult to injury it was howling down with rain outside as hard as a now purple-faced Small Controller was howling inside, to the horror of the studious-looking arty types enjoying the museum.  The boy was by now rigid in the shape of a starfish so trying to get reins off, waterproof suit on, and then reins back on again was even more difficult than usual.  Someone has described dressing a child as like trying to put an octopus in a string bag without any of the arms hanging out, this made that look simple.

 

I think there we have proof that small boys & conceptual art do not mix...

[scots region]

If you really, really daring... or are just really good at running. You could stick on of these round.

 

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.689939817705728.1073741836.185729314793450&type=1     

 

Clicks post, makes headlong rush for the door, keep the coat!!!

[F-UnitMad]

If you really, really daring... or are just really good at running. You could stick on of these round.

 

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.689939817705728.1073741836.185729314793450&type=1     

 

Clicks post, makes headlong rush for the door, keep the coat!!!

There's been several variations of that, although the ones I've seen have been road vehicles - maybe for a quicker getaway??

Of course the correct thing to do if you see one on a layout is to state in a loud nerdy voice "Actually I think you'll find - that's the wrong colour for a Rivet Counter Detector Van"......

[298]

One way to make yourself VERY unpopular would be to place yourself close to the entrance of a model railway show holding the leash of a Labrador or Golden Retriever that wears a dog-coat that reads "OFFICIAL SHOW SNIFFER DOG". Next to you will be a sign that reads (in big letters) "MODEL RAILWAY SHOW HYGIENE STATION" and underneath in smaller letters the words "PATRONS WHO DO NOT PASS THE SNIFFER DOG CHECK WILL BE DENIED ENTRANCE"

Have a mate standing close by selling deodorant sprays and wet-wipes (at a huge mark-up)

...and watch the fun commence!

In the words of Bob Mortimer on Shooting Stars, "Oi, Vic- you've killed that dog"....