The Forum Jokes Thread

[PGC]

A DIY enthusiast is part way through a very difficult job which he can’t leave when his wife comes running in to the room, to say that next doors mongrel dog has got through the fence and is sorting out their pedigree bitch, so what should she do.

 

The husband answers “throw some cold water over the mongrel” so the wife throws cold water over the dog but nothing happens. The wife then runs in to the husband and asks him again what she should do. This time the husband suggests hitting the dog with a broom. The wife tries this, but still without success. She runs indoors again, and the husband suggests she ‘phones the vet and see what advice he’s got.

 

So, the wife ‘phones the vet, and after quite a few rings a very disgruntled voice answers “vet”. The wife explains their predicament, to which the vet recommends throwing cold water over the mongrel. When the wife tells the vet that they’ve tried this unsuccessfully, the vet recommends hitting the dog with a broom. Again, the wife explains they’ve tried that, also unsuccessfully.

 

After a pause, the vet asks the wife to get the dog to the ‘phone. The wife, in amazement at this suggestion, asks “will it work, then”, to which the vet replies “well, it did with me!”.

[PGC]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of
a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife met a friend for coffee and decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Guest]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of

a no-nonsense guy.

 

One afternoon the wife met a friend for coffee and decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

 

The husband texted back to her:"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Seen that before!

Here, infact: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/84/f6/37/84f637861eda34e0252019aaee879608.jpg

[bluebottle]

Seen that before!

Here, infact: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/84/f6/37/84f637861eda34e0252019aaee879608.jpg

 

Hang around here long enough; you'll see it again... and again...

[Giles]

Seen that before!

Here, infact: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/84/f6/37/84f637861eda34e0252019aaee879608.jpg

Be fair! If everyone's got to actually compose their own jokes, we are in trouble!!!

Edited April 2, 2014 by Giles

[chris p bacon]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

[kevinlms]

Be fair! If everyone's got to actually compose their own jokes, we are in trouble!!!

Or search through 78 pages to check that it hasn't been posted before.

 

Try this one.

 

Last night someone showed me a picture of a sign in a Chemist shop that said

"Ears pierced while you wait".

[Stanley Melrose]

Driving in Canada a few years ago we went past a church which had a notice board outside.  I slowed to read it and saw:

 

Anxious?  Confused?  Depressed?

 

Remember Moses was a basket case once!

 

Stan

[Tom D]

After a very long Winter this year, driving to work I noticed following sign outside florist:

 

"Spring has finally sprung, I was so excited I wet my plants!"

[bluebottle]

Be fair! If everyone's got to actually compose their own jokes, we are in trouble!!!

 

Or search through 78 pages to check that it hasn't been posted before.

 

THB, I think that I've only once in my life actually composed a joke:

 

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"So what do you want for a shilling - a golden eagle?"

 

Oh well, I was only about twelve at the time.

 

I think that judicious cutting and pasting is as much as can be expected of most of us.

 

I've probably read every one of the 78 pages that Kevin mentions, though, looking for a little light relief in the intervals of studying the latest advances in ballasting or whatever, so I do tend to recognise recurrent funnies. If one is minded to check whether a joke needs to be given a little more time to mature before repetition, there's the search box at top right of every page. Just type in a key word from the joke. Don't forget that the Google site search is the default, though; whatever category is shown in the search box, you need to click on that then select "this topic" from the drop-down menu.

 

OCD mode off; as you were!

[Londontram]

I was sitting on the train this morning

opposite a really beautiful Thai girl

 

and I thought to myself “Please don’t get an erection.

Please don’t get an erection.

 

 

 

But she did

[C&WR]

 

THB, I think that I've only once in my life actually composed a joke:

 

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"So what do you want for a shilling - a golden eagle?"

 

Oh well, I was only about twelve at the time.

 

The version of that I heard, which dates me in all sorts of ways, was thus:

 

"Waiter, there's a funny film on this soup!"

 

"What do you expect for 25p, Star Wars?"

[Enterprisingwestern]

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

What do you want me to do about it?

Take it out, it's drinking faster than I am.

 

Mike.

[Friar Tuck]

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

 

But Sir, as demand is very erratic the chef has to make it on the fly!

[Coombe Barton]

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

 

Looks like the breast stroke to me, sir.

[69843]

Waiter, why is there a spider in my soup?

 

Why sir, I do believe he's catching the fly

[Two_sugars]

Waiter there's a fly in my soup. . . .

 

We charge extra for meat, sir . . .

[raymw]

My mum had a fly in a currant bun, many years ago. She went back to the baker's shop and complained. They gave her another currant.

[ian]

"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup."

 

"Try a little of the Tobasco sauce sir, that often revives them."

Edited April 5, 2014 by ian

[Merc435]

"Waiter, there is a fly in my Pie."

 

"It's fat sir."

 

 

"No wonder its fat, it's eaten all the bleedin meat!"

[Merc435]

Teacher asks the children "What sounds would you hear on a farm?"

 

Alice, "Moooo!"

 

Teacher, "Well done"

 

James, "Baaaa!"

 

Teacher, "Excellent!"

 

Rose, "Cluck, cluck"

 

Teacher "Splendid Rose"

 

Billy "Here you, get off the F####n Tractor!"

 

 

EDIT; Correcting spelling error.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Merc435

[andytrains]

The Police around here arrested two kids yesterday:

The one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[Welly]

Teacher asks the children "What sounds would you hear on a farm?"

 

Alice, "Moooo!"

 

Teacher, "Well done"

 

James, "Baaaa!"

 

Teacher, "Excellent!"

 

Rose, "Cluck, cluck"

 

Teacher "Splendid Rose"

 

Billy "Here you, get off the F####n Tractor!"

 

I had a similar conversation with my Mum when I was small, when we ran out of animals, she asked,"What noise does Daddy make?", answer was "@@@~~~~####***!"

[EHertsGER]

A cabbie picked up a nun.

As they were riding, the cabbie confesses, "Sister, I have to get something off my chest."

"What is that, my son."

"Well, I've always had an urge to kiss a nun and I was wondering if you could be so kind."

"Well, my son, I think that can be arranged."

The cabbie pulled over and the nun leaned over the seat and gave the cabbie the deepest, longest, wet kiss he could ever hope for.

The nun sat back.

The cabbie said, "Thank you sister, I will carry that bliss to my death and by the way, my name is Frank and I feel terribly guilty now because I'm Catholic."

 

The nun says, "Well, Frank, that's ok, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[EHertsGER]

A small boy goes to confess....

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Edited April 7, 2014 by EHertsGER