The Forum Jokes Thread

[EHertsGER]

Boobs

 

Proof we men can focus on two things at the same time...

[shortliner]

You can now get insurance for sex in the UK

 

Make sure you get the CORRECT insurance for the sex you are having.

 

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-

 

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

 

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

 

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

 

Sex with multiple partners - More Than

 

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

 

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

 

Sex with an OAP - Saga

 

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

 

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

 

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

 

You should also note that if you are considering

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

 

MAKE SURE YOU ARE ADEQUATELY COVERED

[jwealleans]

See also post #1353 for a pre production version of this joke.

[luckymucklebackit]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
 

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report, by just listening to the bells.
 

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this particular morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
 

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
 

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making!
 

Who else, but a politician, could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet, by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

 

Jim

[shortliner]

See also post #1353 for a pre production version of this joke.

Oh! Now!! Come on !!! At my advanced age you surely don't expect me to remember that far back! Um, what did I have for breakfast? Did I have breakfast??

[bluebottle]

Oh! Now!! Come on !!! At my advanced age you surely don't expect me to remember that far back! Um, what did I have for breakfast? Did I have breakfast??

 

It's a well-known fact that the aging process enhances long-term memory while degrading short-term memory. One indelible memory I cherish is that of the Wally Batty lookalike who could be seen every night in Silverwood Miners Welfare Club, Rotherham, listening to that night's comic and telling everybody - in a voice of grim satisfaction - " 'Eerd it."

[shortliner]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but

halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his

money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education

is developing.. They actually have a programme here in Brisbane that will

teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that programme?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll

get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy

calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe

this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to

teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in

that programme?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither

talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read

something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just

before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked

back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly

turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little

redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that b*****d before

he talks to your Mother?!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and politician!

[EHertsGER]

It's a well-known fact that the aging process enhances long-term memory while degrading short-term memory. One indelible memory I cherish is that of the Wally Batty lookalike who could be seen every night in Silverwood Miners Welfare Club, Rotherham, listening to that night's comic and telling everybody - in a voice of grim satisfaction - " 'Eerd it."

...'don't remember that....

[shortliner]

Text from a neighbour!

 

Hi Bob,

This is Brian next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.

I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck

up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as

I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, since I have been off work I have been sharing your wife,

day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly

in the mornings after you've left for work.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.

My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it won't happen again.

 

Regards, Brian.

 

>

 

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly.

He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

 

>

 

Hi Bob, this is Brian next door again.

Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out.

Anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed WiFi To Wife.

 

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Brian.

[APOLLO]

I once got a puncture in a place called Bamfurlong, on the outskirts of Wigan. I pulled into a garage and said, 'Have you got an Airline?' He said, ' off, we've not even got a bus stop'.

 

Brit15

[peanuts]

perhaps the best christmas carol of all time 

[Steve K]

Is that Frank Kelly as in "Father Jack"?

[108]

Yup that's him. This was a big hit here many years ago.

[shortliner]

Important warning!

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT trust atoms.

 

They make up everything.

Edited December 6, 2014 by shortliner

[Titan]

I bumped in to an atom.

 

He said he lost an electron in the collision.

 

Bearing in mind the above post I asked him 'are you sure?'

 

He said 'Yes, I am positive!'

[BoD]

He he he

 

No, H, H, H.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Old joke alert. (Now new has been removed from the title)

 

What have the North and South Pole and a halfpenny got in common.

 

They are 2 far things.

 

Mike.

 

(Get your grandad to explain!)

[sir douglas]

the earth is bipolar

[ginger j]

A farmer met up with his computer geek friend in a cafe. The computer geek said,

"I need some more RAM to boost performance of the new PC." The farmer, only half listening, replied;

"How long have you been sheep farming, then?"

 

(Inspired by my more tech-savvy friends' conversations, but apologies if it's been posted before recently)

[PhilJ W]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ4qP-uqsDo

[pointstaken]

"Where is Miss Smith today ?"

"She's abroad"

"I asked where she is, not what she is"

 

Dennis 

[luckymucklebackit]

Scottish Xmas Cake

 

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Whisky Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Whisky (preferably Malt), 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Whisky to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Whisky is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit get as stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Whisky to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Whisky. Now sh!t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Whisky and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.

 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

Being very religious the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[DonB]

Apologies for another Religious entry:--

 

            A gambler in Northern  Ireland was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing  his  shirt.

  

           

He noticed a Priest step  out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses  lining up for the 4th race.

 

Lo and behold, that horse -  a very long shot - won the  race.

  

           

Next race, as the horses  lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed  one of the horses.

The gambler made a beeline  for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  

  

           

Again, even though it was  another long shot, the horse won the race.

 

He collected his winnings,  and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless  next.

He bet big on it, and it  won.

  

           

As the races continued the  Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up  winning.

The gambler was  elated.

He made a quick dash to the  ATM, withdrew all his savings,

And awaited for the  Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on  ..

  

           

True to his pattern, the  Priest stepped onto the track for the last race

And blessed the forehead of  an old nag that was the longest shot of the  day.

This time the priest  blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old  nag.

The gambler knew he had a  winner and bet every cent he owned on the old  nag.

  

           

He watched dumbfounded as  the old nag came in  last.

  

           

In a state of shock, he  went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he  demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed  horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the  horse you blessed lost by a mile.

Now, thanks to you I've  lost every cent of my  savings!'.

  

            

The Priest nodded wisely  and with sympathy.

 

'My Son,' he said, 'that's  the problem with you Protestants. 

You can't tell the difference  between a simple blessing and last  rites

   

    

[DonB]

The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling,.......... bet she changes her mind 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,

"If you're about to kill yourself, how about some sex before you go?"

The woman was angry and said,

"No! Sod off you filthy old man."

The tramp turned to leave and said,

"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."