The Forum Jokes Thread

[cromptonnut]

I said to my wife the other day, "you know you've always talked about the pitter-patter of tiny feet?"

 

"What, you want to start a family?" she asked.

 

"No", I replied, "We've got mice".

[Sidecar Racer]

 The Art Collector's Wife

 

 

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client,

"Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

 

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

 

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested$5,000

in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.

 

  I think she could be right."

 

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. 

 

Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?"

 

 

 

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary." 

[Colin_McLeod]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[Sidecar Racer]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seaman

 

all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and

 

loaded onto their row boat.

 

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing

 

in water up to his knees.

 

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is

 

only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No

 

dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and

 

disappears.

 

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into

 

a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

 

'Aye 'tis,

 

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

[shortliner]

Shore, 'n' if were tellin' the oirish jokes, oi' jest 'ave ter post dis!

 

This is confirmation of ‘Murphy’s Law’

with a wonderful Irish explanation

 

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's an imutable law of the universe that

buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to

fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is,

but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast

on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and

he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over

from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as

everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite

outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling

a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. "

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think Murphy

may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[BoD]

Donald Trump has decided to pull out of Scotland altogether after he was told that there is a whole area called Mullah Kintyre.

[CUTLER2579]

Parking Officers Funeral.

 

 

As the Coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking officers funeral

 

 

A voice was heard from inside the coffin Screaming "I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead, Let Me Out"

 

 

The Vicar leans forward sucking air through his teeth and Mutters.

 

 

"Too Bloody Late Pal I've Already Done The Paperwork"

[Welly]

^^^

Nastier version of the joke - coffin being slid into the cremator.

[steve1]

When they buried the man who invented the USB connector, they put the coffin in the ground and then had to take it out an put it back in again as it was the wrong way up...

 

steve

[Sidecar Racer]

  An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing

  to his staff.

 

   While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,

   the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
 

   He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the nigh  before and he

   failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

  He posed the question of just how much of sex was  "work" and how much

  of it was "pleasure?"

 

  A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

 

  A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

 

  A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of  pleasure,

  depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

  There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was

  in charge of making the coffee.

 

  What was his opinion?

 

  Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded,

 

  "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

 

  The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might  guess, asked why?
 

  "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing  it for them."

 

  The room fell silent.

[ParkeNd]

At Annie's funeral the Vicar was summing up her life as the relatives listened. "First she was married to Tom and they had 9 children but sadly Tom died while still young. Then she married Dick and they had 12 children but Dick sadly died in an accident. Then finally she married Harry and had 14 children before Harry died and left her on her own. Now sadly Annie has died herself and now they are finally together".

 

One of the cousins leaned over to his uncle and whispered " I'm confused. Who is she together with? Tom or Dick or Harry?" The uncle smiled kindly and whispered back " I think the Vicar was referring to her legs"

[Steve K]

When they buried the man who invented the USB connector, they put the coffin in the ground and then had to take it out an put it back in again as it was the wrong way up...

 

steve

 

If anyone mentions the inventor of the hokey-cokey, they will NOT be getting a like from me...

[Titan]

What about Beethoven? After he was buried he de-composed...

[BG John]

What about Beethoven? After he was buried he de-composed...

[RJS1977]

When they buried the man who invented the USB connector, they put the coffin in the ground and then had to take it out an put it back in again as it was the wrong way up...

 

steve

 

If it was me doing the funeral, they'd have put the coffin in the ground, taken it out, turned it over,put it back, taken it out, turned it over and put it back in!

[BoD]

At Steve Job's funeral they couldn't find the grave that had been dug for him.

........ until some one found a plank of wood with Slide to Unlock written on it.

[kevinlms]

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man

urinate into a glass and then drink it.  Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

 

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.


The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about ###### on you.'


The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' So solly  sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.......... 

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to ######.

 

Edit missing word is bull sh1t.

Edited December 13, 2015 by kevinlms

[peanuts]

A Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year.":

[Jinty3f]

I woke up this morning to find that I was totally alone. And worse, I had been painted from head to toe in a dark red paint. It took a while before I realised I had been marooned.

[bluebottle]

I woke up this morning to find that I was totally alone. And worse, I had been painted from head to toe in a dark red paint. It took a while before I realised I had been marooned.

 

Looks like a Heart of Midlothian fundamentalist got to you.

[BoD]

A Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year.":

What would be the point of a Man U. fan going on holiday to the south coast anyway?

[peanuts]

An English bloke and an American were out in Syria giving out aid .

The yank said " what part of England are you from ? " .

The English bloke says " Rochdale " .

The yank says " what State is that in ? " .

He say's " pretty much the f*****g same as here " 

[peanuts]

I've been invited to play in a Jamaican Reggae band but I don't play an instrument other than the Triangle... So I guess I'll just stand at the back and ting.

[F-UnitMad]

A Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year.":

What would be the point of a Man U. fan going on holiday to the south coast anyway?

Yeah - he couldn"t really call it a holiday, as he already lives there...

 

... or at least, anywhere except Manchester...

Edited December 14, 2015 by F-UnitMad

[luckymucklebackit]

Looks like a Heart of Midlothian fundamentalist got to you.

 

Could have been an Arbroath Jhadi (Known more commonly as a smoked hadi)

 

jim