Liam Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Here goes, Two fish that are swimming hit a concrete wall. One says to the other, "Dam!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 26, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 26, 2018 Same as how this thread will die because people will drop out, all due the repetitive nature it is going. That's a strange way to start a thread. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted January 27, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 27, 2018 Two drunks were walking down the sidewalk when one of them fell down the stairs into the subway.The other guy staggered across the street where his drinking buddy came up the other set of stairs."What happened to you"? said the first guy.To which the second drunk replied; "Man, I was just in some guy's basement....What a set of trains he had down there!'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AireValley1962 Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 What happened to the magician who swallowed a bottle of furniture polish? He varnished. Hat, coat, etc.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearwater Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 What happened to the magician who swallowed a bottle of furniture polish? He varnished. Hat, coat, etc.. I thought he took the pledge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: “You drive, I’ll work the gun...” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 (edited) The Queen was laying on her back in bed with the duvet pulled right up to her neck and remarked to Phillip " Look Phillip. Wouldn't I look good on a postage stamp " Allan Edited January 28, 2018 by allan downes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Husband says to his wife “We should wash your knickers in Slim Fast, it might make your fat arse look thinner.” The next day putting his pants on, he notices that they are covered in powder. “Have you put talc in my pants?” he asks. “No” replies the wife “It’s miracle grow.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 One day a bunch of terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players who were on their way to a banjo convention. The terrorists told authorities that unless their demands were met they would start releasing the banjo players, one at a time. steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book! Not only is it embarrassing, it has cost me a fortune in stamps. steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 5, 2018 His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, my Lord?" "Go ahead, Carson," said his Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word upon which I am not too clear." "What word is that?" asked his Lordship. "Aplomb, my Lord." "Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, my Lord, but I'm still a little confused." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Well," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs." "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself deeply into his thumb." "I witnessed the incident, my Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." "That evening the p***k on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender." "Yes, my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate, inquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your p***k still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT, good Sir, is aplomb." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 5, 2018 Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife. “Have you been fooling around on me?”, the wife answered .. ”Not this time…” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 5, 2018 CALLER: Is this Delmondo's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me. GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want … GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Turpin Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 (edited) here's one I remember the great Ken Dodd telling some time ago. The wife and I had been in the local play, as a pantomime cow, and we had gone down pretty well. I was in the head, she was in the rear. However,at the end of the show, when we wanted to get dressed, we discovered that the zip had broken and we couldn't get out. As nobody at the show had any scissors or pliers, we decided the best thing was to just nip home, which was only nearby, still in the costume and sort it out when we got there. So off we went, the back way out of the hall, over a style and were just taking a short cut through a field when we noticed we had company. Alarmed, my wife informed me in a hoarse whisper, 'There's a bull approaching! What are we going to do!' 'Well I'm going to nibble grass,' I replied, 'I suggest you brace yourself!' Edited February 6, 2018 by Dick Turpin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 I don't like over elaborate buildings. It's a complex complex complex. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 6, 2018 I've just bought a dog that can perform magic tricks. It's called a labrabracadabrador...... Cheers Mick 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 6, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 6, 2018 I've just bought a dog that thinks it's a vegetable. A collie. Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 What do you call a dog with a hair lip? Mark. Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 6, 2018 After a round of golf, Nannette, Phillipa, Darcey, Yvonne sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the professional golfer approached them and asked: “How did your game go? Yvonne said she had a good round … making the comment that she actually had 20 riders. The golfer was a bit confused not knowing what a “Rider” was. Darcey quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 14 riders. Phillipa then said that her round was average and that she had 9 riders. Nannette admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 3 riders all day long. The professional golfer was completely baffled not knowing what the term “rider” meant. But, because he didn’t want to look goofy, he made a quick polite remark, wished the girls well and then left. He then approached the barman and asked “Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to “Riders”?” The barman simply smiled and said… ”A ‘Rider” is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 What do you call a dog with a hair lip? Mark. Jim I vaguely remember Frank Muir telling a story about a dog with a hare lip, though it was his dog that addressed everyone else as "Mark". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 I vaguely remember Frank Muir telling a story about a dog with a hare lip, though it was his dog that addressed everyone else as "Mark". Thanks for that I was reluctant to admit I didn't get it previously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 Thanks for that I was reluctant to admit I didn't get it previously. Actually, there is a joke about a dog with a hair lip which involves the Amazon jungle, a crashed airoplane full of researchers and the only survivor, a professor with a camera. Anyway, can't remember how it went so you can rest easy ! Allan. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 7, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2018 "Mark my words" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 (edited) A teacher was trying to wean her pupils off baby speak and to use adult words instead. She asked little Johnny what he had done at the weekend. “I went to visit Nana” said Johnny. “No” said the teacher, “you went to see your Grandmother”. She then asked Linda what she had done. “We went for a ride on a Choo-choo” said Linda. “Wrong” said the teacher, “you went for a ride on a Train”. It was Davids turn and teacher asked him the same question. “I read a book” said David. “And what book was that?” said the teacher. Thinking for a moment, David puffed out his chest and proudly said, “Winnie the Sh1t”. Brit15 Edited February 9, 2018 by APOLLO 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Oh dear, Apollo, I put that one up a few weeks ago - but great to hear it again ! Allan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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