The Forum Jokes Thread

[Budgie]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

 

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

 

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . ."

 

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

[F-UnitMad]

In the great days of the British Empire, a .......Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

Another repeat.

 

Fortunately, it is still a very funny joke, though.

[newbryford]

Another repeat.

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

Cheers,

Mick

Edited March 9, 2018 by newbryford

[leopardml2341]

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat the old ones?

 

Cheers,

Mick

 

 

 

Is it just me, or do we not have too many new jokes around so we have to repeat them?

Is it just me, or is there anyone else who hasn't heard that one before

[Colin_McLeod]

Is it just me?

[Co-tr-Paul]

Is it just.

[Jinty3f]

Is it?

[Bernard Lamb]

Is it just me?

 

It must be Colin.

You started the topic.

Bernard

[PhilJ W]

Two Members of Parliament after a political meeting go into the saloon bar of a pub for a drink. One of the MP's has the family dog with them. While they were having their drink a man came in from the public bar and lifted the dogs tail, looked and went back into the public bar. A few minutes later another chap walks in and does the same thing followed by a third and a fourth. A fifth person walked in and one of the MP's asked what was going on. The man answered "They're saying that there's a dog in here with two @r$e holes."

[andytrains]

[Dick Turpin]

I asked a lad at work if he knew the difference between a pillar box and a cow's @r$e. He said he didn't know, then asked me why I was shaking my head. I told him that i was going to ask him to go and post a letter, but that now I had changed my mind. 

[RJS1977]

I was doing the crossword this morning and turned to the wife - "What is a word for a female relative, four letters, ending in UNT" - She replied "Aunt, of course", "Oh right" I said, "got any tippex?"

 

Jim

 

Reminds me of the ending to the Two Ronnies crossword sketch. 

 

Ronnie C: "Often found in the bottom of a bird cage. Something something I T "

Ronnie B: "Grit"

Nun on opposite side of compartment: "Grit. Of course. Does anybody have a rubber?"

[APOLLO]

Could be SLit,, designed so it is easy to remove the GRit lining paper when its full of xxit !!!!!

 

Brit15

[Del]

I bought a book on anger management the other day.

Then I bloody lost it.

[Bill]

Here is an old groaner, but as I have nothing Toulouse..

 

"THE HIGH PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. 
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error. 
He replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings,
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh."

...

[Sidecar Racer]

Once there was a little boy Boroja who lived in the continental climate country .

They had to use an outhouse, and little Boroja hated it because it was hot in the

summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on

the bank of a creek and Boroja determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the boy decided today was the day to push

the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.

In the end,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night Boroja’s father told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

 

His father answered, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

It was you, wasn’t it son?”

 

Boroja answered yes. Then he thought a second and said,

 

“Dad, I read in a book today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree

and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

 

Boroja’s father replied,

 

 

“Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t on the tree.”

[cromptonnut]

Our local corner shop has recently been taken over by a German family.

 

I went in this morning and noticed that he has rearranged everything inside and I couldn't find what I was looking for.

 

In hindsight, yelling across the shop at the owner "where are your papers" was probably not my smartest move.

[andytrains]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

[Bernard Lamb]

In Germany you can now only buy 4 ply toilet paper.

Permission to have a has to be submitted in triplicate.

Bernard

[EHertsGER]

I wonder if we would better occupied listing just (or, indeed, unjust) punchlines only to see if anyone recalls the actual jokes...

[Ian Smeeton]

I wonder if we would better occupied listing just (or, indeed, unjust) punchlines only to see if anyone recalls the actual jokes...

 

'Nope'

 

Regards

 

Ian

[Titan]

I wonder if we would better occupied listing just (or, indeed, unjust) punchlines only to see if anyone recalls the actual jokes...

 

That's a funny way to start a conversation...

[newbryford]

I wonder if we would better occupied listing just (or, indeed, unjust) punchlines only to see if anyone recalls the actual jokes...

 

 Let's try this one then.

 

"Bog seat on a Grimsby fish trawler........."

 

Cheers,

Mick

[F-UnitMad]

Let's try this one then.

 

"Bog seat on a Grimsby fish trawler........."

 

Cheers,

Mick

No idea what the joke is, but that punchline does remind me of one of the best 'put downs' I ever heard a Comedian give a heckler:-

 

"The last time I saw a mouth like your's, it had a plastic seat round it."

[Sidecar Racer]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch,

severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new

convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

 

"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

 

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

 

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

 

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then

treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,

 

"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the

bandaging, I thanked her and said,

 

"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful

set of breasts I’ve ever seen.

 

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."