The Forum Jokes Thread

[PhilJ W]

Then there's the 'Dead donkey' joke that shows the Irish as clever and canny.

[bluebottle]

When Helen was at school, her form master had the idea of telling his pupils to each think of a joke to tell on the last day of term. When she mentioned an "Irish" joke she'd heard, I suggested she replaced "Irish" with "Barnsley". 

Well, how was I to know her teacher came from Barnsley?

[Enterprisingwestern]

Good point. I did not see the "joke" in question, but I have felt a bit uneasy about many of the, largely Irish, but others as you say, punch lines on here recently which rely on the generic stupidity of someone or other. Very Bernard Manning. Thing is, I used to laugh at those jokes when younger, because it seemed "normal". But as society has moved on, such jokes now seem lazy and, howsoever unintentional, divisive.

 

PC snowflake, yeah, I know. But the real trouble is that some of them are very, very funny. If only we could find a way of telling them without resorting to very out of date preconceptions, because they will still work.

 

For example......

 

A lady walks into a plastic surgery and asks if they can do anything for her broken Airfix kit........

 

As has been said many times before, humour is a very personal thing, and it takes all sorts to make the world go round.

Censorship, even in it's mildest form, is not necessarily a bad thing, but it means different things to different people.

At the the end of the day a joke is exactly that, a series of words to make you laugh/smile/groan/cringe, not a statement of fact set in stone, so can we just take them at face value for what they are, or we might as well ban all jokes in case someone somewhere is offended.

 

Mike.

 

PS.

Mike, that lady was a blonde.

[kevinlms]

When Helen was at school, her form master had the idea of telling his pupils to each think of a joke to tell on the last day of term. When she mentioned an "Irish" joke she'd heard, I suggested she replaced "Irish" with "Barnsley". 

Well, how was I to know her teacher came from Barnsley?

So you had to repeat the joke slowly? Or was it like Alice in 'Vicar of Dibley', where you wondered why you bothered?

[Ian J.]

Almost every joke ever told or written takes the p*ss out of someone, somewhere, even if it's the person telling the joke having a go at themselves (which seems to be more common from stand-up comedians these days). However, some jokes aren't just taking the p out of someone, they are being very offensive towards them as well, which in my eyes is a different thing.

 

Also, where do we draw the line on any particular group of people telling jokes about their communities, but anyone outside such a community isn't allowed to tell such jokes (thinking disabled, ethnic groups, gender, etc, etc)?

[Mike Storey]

A man walks into his local. "How's yer week been Ivan?" asks the barmaid, Eileen.

 

"Is tyerrible" answers Ivan " I not make one sale all week. I have good lead in town in south. He want my special insect killer gel, so I call but he not in. I leave sample on door, but he no get back to me. Some people are so tyerrible."

 

"Never mind Ivan, have a drink" offers Eileen. "I'm still using that magic powder you sold me a few years ago, with the free umbrella. Smashing!"

 

"Your new wig is beautiful Eileen."

[Bernard Lamb]

When Angela Merkel took over as Chancellor a journalist asked her how long she wanted to stay in the job.

Not very long she replied. But I would like to open the new Berlin Airport before I pack up.

Bernard

[ColinK]

She’ll have to stay in the job for a very long time then.

[Sidecar Racer]

A nervous little man walked into a grocery store in a small town.

 

“I want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs”, he said.

 

“Well”, said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes,

“You must be going to see the new comedian at the theatre tonight.”

 

“Not so loud”, said the little man, looking around hesitatingly,

 

 

 

 

“I am the new comedian!”

[Bernard Lamb]

She’ll have to stay in the job for a very long time then.

 

Well done.

I did wonder if any body would understand the German sense of humour.

Bernard

[chris p bacon]

 German sense of humour.

 

 

 

Funniest thing I've heard in ages

[Compound2632]

There is the story about the German professor, author of Handbuch der Witze (Heidelberg University Press, 23 Vols.), visiting an Oxford Senior Common Room. Someone - probably the Master - plucks up the courage to try a joke out on him. After a few moments thought, the professor replies "Ach ja, there is that one."

[Steve K]

A man walks into his local. "How's yer week been Ivan?" asks the barmaid, Eileen.

 

"Is tyerrible" answers Ivan " I not make one sale all week. I have good lead in town in south. He want my special insect killer gel, so I call but he not in. I leave sample on door, but he no get back to me. Some people are so tyerrible."

 

"Never mind Ivan, have a drink" offers Eileen. "I'm still using that magic powder you sold me a few years ago, with the free umbrella. Smashing!"

 

"Your new wig is beautiful Eileen."

 

Humour is very subjective, isn't it? I mean, if Sergei Skripal dies, will that still be even vaguely amusing?

[Co-tr-Paul]

But Cheddar has caves not holes.

[Bernard Lamb]

Funniest thing I've heard in ages

 

Well, this is supposed to be the jokes thread!

Bernard

[Claude_Dreyfus]

The pitfalls of getting a French company to produce your passports...

 

[Mike Storey]

Humour is very subjective, isn't it? I mean, if Sergei Skripal dies, will that still be even vaguely amusing?

 

Exactly. Indeed, should it be amusing even now? The point about this latest exchanges of views surrounds what is acceptable? A few people have suggested almost anything. So there are red lines then?

[leopardml2341]

My two penn'orth FWIW; if I don't find something funny that someone else does, I just don't repeat it. But also I don't go on a witch hunt, life's too short.

 

Edit to add:

 

Couldn't find a non gender specific term, just in case 'witch' offends some residents of Pendle

Edited April 3, 2018 by leopardml2341

[Ian Smeeton]

Late residents, surely

 

 

Hat coat..............

 

Regards

 

Ian

[newbryford]

 

Couldn't find a non gender specific term, just in case 'witch' offends some residents of Pendle

 

 Pendle Hill is one of my local landmarks. but thankfully, the Borough of Burnley and Pendle is not where I live..... That's far too close to Yorkshire for me and the derogatory term for the residents of B&P for those that are further from the Yorks border is "Dingle".............................

 

Cheers,

Mick

[luckymucklebackit]

Silly Rhyme time

 

I wish I was a glow worm 
A glow worms never glum, 
' Cos how can you be gloomy, 
When the sun shines out yer bum?

 

Jim

[cromptonnut]

There was a religious woman Samantha who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Air travel made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.

One day on a trip, she was sitting next to a man. When the guy saw Samantha pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After a few minutes, he turned to religious woman and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

Samantha answered, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

Samantha said, “Well, I don’t really know. When I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

Samantha calmly answered; “Then you can ask him."

[Enterprisingwestern]

The advantages of simple origami are twofold.

 

Mike.

[Titan]

The advantages of simple origami are twofold.

 

Mike.

 

Finally! A joke that makes me crease up!

[tersono]

I asked my doctor for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.