The Forum Jokes Thread

[Gibbo675]

The egg comes first....

I thought the punchline to that joke was the cock, which is not ever really what you should call a delivery man.

[Compound2632]

I thought the punchline to that joke was the cock, which is not ever really what you should call a delivery man.

 

I don't know about that, or is "wotcher, cock" not now an acceptable informal greeting?

[Stanley Melrose]

Thinking of informal expressions . . .

 

I was once invited to have dinner and stay overnight at the house of a US business associate and his wife at their home in Arlington, Virginia.  For some reason, as I was leaving the following morning, he looked far from cheerful.  As I said my goodbyes and thank-yous to the hospitable couple, I added, looking at the husband, "Keep your up!"  Of course, I gave no thought to the US meaning of this expression but noticed the extremely disapproving glare on the wife's face.

 

It was some while later that I realised what a faux-pas I had committed. . . .

 

Stan

[Welchester]

A friend of mine played golf for Cambridge. When touring the United States, he made a mistake on his score card and asked the captain of the opposing team, 'Have you got a rubber?' A look of horror came over the latter, until he finally responded, 'Oh, you mean an eraser!'

[Compound2632]

A friend of mine played golf for Cambridge. When touring the United States, he made a mistake on his score card and asked the captain of the opposing team, 'Have you got a rubber?' A look of horror came over the latter, until he finally responded, 'Oh, you mean an eraser!'

 

Two nations divided by a common tongue. What for us removes mistakes, for them prevents mistakes.

[Guest]

Just found out why our Elec bill has gone up.

[Stanley Melrose]

Thinking of informal expressions . . .

 

I was once invited to have dinner and stay overnight at the house of a US business associate and his wife at their home in Arlington, Virginia.  For some reason, as I was leaving the following morning, he looked far from cheerful.  As I said my goodbyes and thank-yous to the hospitable couple, I added, looking at the husband, "Keep your ###### up!"  Of course, I gave no thought to the US meaning of this expression but noticed the extremely disapproving glare on the wife's face.

 

It was some while later that I realised what a faux-pas I had committed. . . .

 

Stan

Of course, the national origin of the software underlying RMWeb is now clear.  The word blanked out should have been a noun describing what a bird that eats a peanuts might be called.

 

Sometimes I despair at political correctness . . .

 

Stan

[Budgie]

Of course, the national origin of the software underlying RMWeb is now clear.  The word blanked out should have been a noun describing what a bird that eats a peanuts might be called.

 

Sometimes I despair at political correctness . . .

 

Stan

So, if I say that I saw a woodpecker in my garden today . . .

 

Or even that I saw a wood in my garden today . . .

 

I agree with you and your despair.

 

To the moderators: can we remove the word p*cker from the hit list, please?

Edited November 14, 2018 by Budgie

[Welchester]

So, if I say that I saw a woodpecker in my garden today . . .

 

Or even that I saw a wood ###### in my garden today . . .

 

I agree with you and your despair.

 

To the moderators: can we remove the word p*cker from the hit list, please?

 

You used to be able to buy fat p e c k e r s from garden centres.

[Gibbo675]

So, if I say that I saw a woodpecker in my garden today . . .

 

Or even that I saw a wood ###### in my garden today . . .

 

I agree with you and your despair.

 

To the moderators: can we remove the word p*cker from the hit list, please?

Hi Budgie,

 

What you need to make quite clear is that with regard to the correct use of words in their proper context then you must be offended that they are offended and then ask what the offended are going to do about that as a problem that they have created.

 

The dissolution of the general vocabulary is part of the closing down of free speech, unfortunately the ignorant mob think that political correctness is the way forward toward harmony without realising that one day they too will have been had for the useful idiots they undoubtedly are and that they no longer have a voice with which to complain. This is most unfortunate for all, including them.

 

You could hire one of these;

 

https://www.mrplanthire.co.uk/Tool-and-Plant-Hire-London/category/breakers/hydraulic-breaker-

 

Or have a watch of this;

 

 

Lunacy !

 

Gibbo.

[Bernard Lamb]

It's strange how words change in respect of their acceptability.

In Ratcliffe in East London, at one time known as sailor town due to the connection with the docks, there was a club called Quassi and Sambo. 

The description fitted the clientele to perfection. 

People from other parts of the globe had their own establishments that were equally direct with the description.

The words of "I've got a little list" from the Mikado are also rather dodgy in the current climate.

Then there is "All Things Bright and Beautiful". Mention of the rich man in his castle and the poor man at the gate is a no go area these days.

The National Anthem? Better not upset the North British with the reference to General wade.

Bernard

[manna]

G'Day Folks

[luckymucklebackit]

It's strange how words change in respect of their acceptability.

In Ratcliffe in East London, at one time known as sailor town due to the connection with the docks, there was a club called Quassi and Sambo. 

The description fitted the clientele to perfection. 

People from other parts of the globe had their own establishments that were equally direct with the description.

The words of "I've got a little list" from the Mikado are also rather dodgy in the current climate.

Then there is "All Things Bright and Beautiful". Mention of the rich man in his castle and the poor man at the gate is a no go area these days.

The National Anthem? Better not upset the North British with the reference to General wade.

Bernard

 

Don't get me started on "Jeruselem", in England's green and pleasant land?, my backside, about 400 miles too far south.

[johnarcher]

It's strange how words change in respect of their acceptability.

In Ratcliffe in East London, at one time known as sailor town due to the connection with the docks, there was a club called Quassi and Sambo. 

The description fitted the clientele to perfection. 

People from other parts of the globe had their own establishments that were equally direct with the description.

The words of "I've got a little list" from the Mikado are also rather dodgy in the current climate.

Then there is "All Things Bright and Beautiful". Mention of the rich man in his castle and the poor man at the gate is a no go area these days.

The National Anthem? Better not upset the North British with the reference to General wade.

Bernard

Well, I won't miss the "rich man in his castle and the poor man at the gate", coming with the assertion that that's how some god made them so the poor man should damn well know his place. I found that grotesque when I was supposed to sing it at school 50 years ago.

[APOLLO]

England's green and pleasant land

 

 

Brit15 (cough cough !!)

[raymw]

England is a green and pleasant land, except where we've adjusted it.

[Guest]

To be married means a man can have sex nearly every day of the week.

 

 

Nearly on Monday. Nearly on Tuesday...

[Welchester]

 

Brit15 (cough cough !!)

 

The thing about 'Jerusalem' is that the answer to every question in the first verse is 'No'.

[Reorte]

 

Brit15 (cough cough !!)

It did have the line about "dark satanic mills." Interesting line of vans, wonder what they were for (AIUI most general traffic was in open wagons then, so presumably something that needed protecting from the weather).

[shortliner]

Don't get me started on "Jeruselem", in England's green and pleasant land?, my backside, about 400 miles too far south.

Of course, "Jerusalem was builded here, in England's green and pleasant land" in Lincolnshire - although whilst that county may be green , I didn't consider it particularly "pleasant", whilst I sojourned in it!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerusalem,_Lincolnshire But I'd add another couple of hundred miles to the "400 miles south" to reach my "green and pleasant bit!"

[Stubby47]

And James Bond (pure fiction of course) always committed to "England"

 

 

Sean Connery - Scottish

Tim Dalton - Welsh

Pierce Brosnan - Irish

George Lazenby - Australian

Daniel Craig  - English,  with distant French Huguenot and Welsh ancestry

Roger Moore - English

[APOLLO]

It did have the line about "dark satanic mills." Interesting line of vans, wonder what they were for (AIUI most general traffic was in open wagons then, so presumably something that needed protecting from the weather).

 Chemical factories at Widnes - Part of the LNWR Widnes - Runcorn viaduct / bridge is in the background. Bagged chemicals probably.

 

Anyway - Widnes & Jokes.

 

Girl on her first date says to boyfriend "Kiss me where it smells" - so he took her to Widnes !!

 

Plaque on Widnes North station - though some say Paul Simon was awaiting a train at Ditton Junction station back in '65.

 

 

I have many memories (both good and bad) of working in and around Widnes on standby gas engineering duties - yes indeed a mucky town - but as they say  over in Yorkshire "Where there's muck there's money" - very, very apt in my case, I was always busy there, however even I was always glad to get out of Widnes and be "homeward bound" on the M62 / M6 to Wigan.

 

Just don't go into a chip shop in Widnes and ask for pie and chips - they throw the pie into the chip fat to "warm" it - a hanging offence in Wigan  !!!!.

 

Brit15

[Colin_McLeod]

Where's there's muck there's brass.

[Compound2632]

The thing about 'Jerusalem' is that the answer to every question in the first verse is 'No'.

 

Whilst one hasn't enough hands for all the equipment in the second verse, even assuming the chariot comes with a charioteer and one has a quiver for the arrows.

 

The dark satanic mills. https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@51.5130638,-0.0972458,3a,60y,311.84h,105.69t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sApI-_KOdxd4K0mQPSNlZ1g!2e0!7i16384!8i8192

 

I thought it was Westminster Abbey that had got on the wrong side of the poet?

[Bernard Lamb]

Did I hear my name?