APOLLO Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 Reminds me of this joke Bloke walks into a mill in Accrington."Does Fred still work here?""Yep, but you just missed him, he's gone to fetch some cotton""No worries I'll come back tomorrow"Next day the bloke wanders into the mill again"Is Fred around ?""You've just missed him again, he's gone to fetch more cotton""Oh , I'll try again next week"Next week he's in there again"Fred ?""Sorry pal, he died last Wednesday, they buried him in the cemetery at the top of the road""Bloody hell, I'll go and pay my respects"Up at the cemetery he found Fred'd headstone which read Fred's Gone...........................................but not for cotton. Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Brit15 That same blind bloke is stood next to a woman waiting to cross the road at a pelican crossing, when the crossings beeps sounded his dog peed on his leg. He took a biscuit from his pocket and gave it to the dog, the woman next to him remarked that it was no wonder the dog did that if he gave it a biscuit. The blind man said, "How else do you suggest I find out which end to kick?" Gibbo. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted November 16, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 16, 2018 How do you know if someone's a vegan? They tell you. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 17, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 17, 2018 I had a go at blindfold archery yesterday, you should try it, you don't know what you are missing. Mike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 G'Day Folks Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex and gently wiped her nose all the while shuddering noticeably for 10-15 seconds. This went on over and over until the man leaned over and asked the woman if she was alright. She answered and apologized letting him know she has a medical condition. Every time she sneezes she has an . He asked her if she was taking anything for it and she nods and says... "Pepper" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted November 17, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 17, 2018 Wife wasn't impressed when I reposted this..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 G'Day Folks 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 G'day Folks 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 Brit15 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
sir douglas Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 a gardening and tree surgeon firm was having trouble so they had to close a branch and make cut backs Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 G'Day Folks Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 1. I got a dig bick 2. You that read wrong 3. You read that wrong too 4. You checked 5. You smiled 7. You wondering why you're still this reading this 8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7) 10. But did you see that I skipped 6? 10. You checked 11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9 12. I said saw you, not you saw 13. I also skipped 2 14. You got tricked 15. I'm just wasting your time, so please go back to finding new jokes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Christmas is coming so be careful on the roads as quite a lot of guys will be having a few drinks and letting their wives drive Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Christmas is coming so be careful on the roads as quite a lot of guys will be having a few drinks and letting their wives drive It's started already !!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 28, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 28, 2018 It's started already !!!! Probably caused himself more damage when those thighs landed on him than the car hitting him! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Mary comes home---Mary stood in front of the small house in a little Irish village she left some 20 years ago. She rang the bell not even knowing if her parents still lived there. A wizened, grey haired old man answered the door. "hello can oi help yer" he said. "Hello farder tis oi Mary yer long lost dotter" "Bejesus, three hail mary's mudder of god come in Mary and tell me what yerv been doin dees past 20 years". Mary sits on the sofa she distinctly remembers bouncing on as a child. "Well farder for the last 20 years oi have been a prostitute" The old man jumps to his feet and shouts "Get out yer harlot oil not have yer under the same roof as me lovely woif". "Oim sorry yer feel dat way farder coz oi was just about to give the key to a 50,000 euro Mercedes which is sitting outside. With that Mercedes, you could take mammy to the harbour where there is 200,000 euro yacht which you use to sail to the algarve where there is a villa wid your name on the deeds where you and mammy can spend the rest of yer days in luxury". The old man thought for a second. "what did yer say yer had been doin fer 20 years ?" "A prostitute farder" Mary replied. He gives the girl a huge hug and says "Three hail mary's mudder of god oi tort yer said a Protestant" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted November 28, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 28, 2018 G'day Folks Also told of a Glaswegian policeman making an arrest on Sauchiehall Street. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) G'day Folks The injured Aussie came round in hospital to see a beautiful nurse smiling at him. "Nurse," he asked. "Did I come here to die?" "No," replied the nurse "You came here yesterdie..." Edited November 28, 2018 by RJS1977 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welchester Posted November 28, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 28, 2018 The injured Aussie came round in hospital to see a beautiful nurse smiling at him. "Nurse," he asked. "Did I come her to die?" "No," replied the nurse "You came here yesterdie..." I'm not saying that joke's old, but http://www.walmington-on-line.co.uk/50-moments-that-made-dads-army-20-did-you-come-here-to-die/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted November 28, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) Also told of a Glaswegian policeman making an arrest on Sauchiehall Street. I think the term is " ... Glesga Polis ... " pal! Edited November 28, 2018 by Alex TM 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugd1022 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Just bought a special edition U2 sat-nav but it's no good, the streets have no name and I can't find what I'm looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Things are looking up - some actual jokes again (apart from this).....oops. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I'm not saying that joke's old, but http://www.walmington-on-line.co.uk/50-moments-that-made-dads-army-20-did-you-come-here-to-die/ Where do you think I got it from? ;-) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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