RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted September 12, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 12, 2019 Common sense is not a gift as many think. It is a punishment! You spend your life having to deal with all those who have no common sense. 2 14 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl fallout...……... 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 On 11/09/2019 at 14:37, luckymucklebackit said: Ladies and Gentlemen - let me share the ULTIMATE groan inducing joke... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Well I did warn you Jim, you need help! 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 27 minutes ago, Alex TM said: Jim, you need help! Everyone who reads it will need help! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 Trying really hard to shut that jingle out of my head ....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 On 11/09/2019 at 09:37, luckymucklebackit said: Ladies and Gentlemen - let me share the ULTIMATE groan inducing joke... ...snip.... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Well I did warn you I confess, that means absolutely nothing to me; it must be a location thing. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Just now, J. S. Bach said: I confess, that means absolutely nothing to me; it must be a location thing. That made me laugh more than the original . . . Stan 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 1 minute ago, J. S. Bach said: I confess, that means absolutely nothing to me; it must be a location thing. Correct. British TV advert in the 1970s for "Fairy Liquid" - washing-up liquid. Paul 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 (edited) Later era (1988) but the jingle is still there at the end: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAaN3063Djg Edited September 13, 2019 by Ian J. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 I just slipped on a banana skin. I look ridiculous in it! 14 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Why did the blond spray her watch with insecticide? Because she wanted to stop the ticks. Mick said to Paddy, "How did you get on at the faith healing meeting last night?" Paddy replied. "Oh he was shite. Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out." Who else can I offend? Bernard 2 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Why is it that if I speak to God I'm praying, but if God speaks to me, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic? 1 1 2 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 Mick and Paddy doing a crossword. Mick asked "how do you spell paint?" Paddy replied "what colour?" 2 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ramblin Rich Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 13, 2019 (edited) 12 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said: Why is it that if I speak to God I'm praying, but if God speaks to me, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic? As As in "oh god he's got that joke book out again" Edited September 13, 2019 by Ramblin Rich insert quote for context 2 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 My 5-year-old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden... ...20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore... 12 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Why is it that if I see the girl next door sunbathing naked in her back garden, I'm a Peeping Tom, but if she sees me sunbathing naked in my back garden, I'm a flasher! 2 2 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Brit15 2 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted September 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2019 5 hours ago, Ian J. said: Later era (1988) but the jingle is still there at the end: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAaN3063Djg Thank you. Now I am wishing that I did not click on that! 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 (edited) I went to the Plastic Surgery Addicts Support Group last night, it was nice to see lots of new faces. Edited September 13, 2019 by jcm@gwr missing word 13 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 10 hours ago, J. S. Bach said: Thank you. Now I am wishing that I did not click on that! At the time of the advert, a real GCSE English examination paper asked the question - "Write a sentence, using the word Judicious..... " I'm not even going to bother quoting the answer one child gave to the question. [and no, it's not a fairy tale!] Regards Julian 2 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 14, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 14, 2019 (edited) Went to a Thai resturant last night. Their meatballs really were the dogs boIIocks. EDIT originally posted on wrong thread. Edited September 14, 2019 by PhilJ W 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 Is a slice of fig the most imaginary fruit ? Or could it just be a figment ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 16, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 16, 2019 1 hour ago, Gibbo675 said: Or could it just be a figment ? ... figuratively speaking. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted September 16, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 16, 2019 That figures... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 1 hour ago, Ian J. said: That figures... Or even; that ficus..... 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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