Moderators Popular Post AY Mod Posted September 7, 2019 Moderators Popular Post Share Posted September 7, 2019 A man walks into a bar... 2 26 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 G'Day Folks 4 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 8 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 On 05/09/2019 at 20:44, peanuts said: Last Christmas, my way to work was blocked by dates, cranberry sauce, a bottle of brandy, Christmas pudding, some walnuts, biscuits, speciality cheeses, mincemeat and some crackers. It turns out I was being hampered. 1 2 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 G'Day Folks 2 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Having just finished insuring his barn, a farmer askes the insurance agent ‘If the barn burned down tomorrow, how much would I get?’ ‘About two years.’ Came the reply. 3 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 48 minutes ago, Jamiel said: Having just finished insuring his barn, a farmer askes the insurance agent ‘If the barn burned down tomorrow, how much would I get?’ ‘About two years.’ Came the reply. Two comments. He asked that question AFTER he signed up and too bad if the barn did in fact burn down the next day! Nothing like putting his foot right in it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 My girlfriend fell pregnant. But due to personal differences, we hadn’t been sleeping together for at least a year. When I asked for advice from the doc, he said it’s what’s called a “grudge pregnancy” which, he explained, means that someone’s obviously had it in for me. 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 I went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the service the vicar poured a load of cheap lager over the baby. It turned out that the kid was being fostered. 17 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 When walking the dog this morning I found a black plastic disc with grooves on each side and a hole in the middle. I threw it for the dog to catch and it went about 100 yards. Is this a record? 2 9 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted September 10, 2019 I texted my boss and said, "I'm on the train heading for the south coast now." "What the hell is this about," he replied, "You knew full well to be here at 7 AM." "You tell me," I replied, "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning." 4 21 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?" 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted September 10, 2019 Two Italian men get on a bus, they sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed b******" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our s** lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." 1 19 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 A grizzly bear walks into a bar and asks the barman "A whisky and..............................coke please." The barman replies. "Why the big pause?" The bear says. "I dunno, I was born with them." Hat and coat already on.............. 2 6 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 A horse walks into a pub... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2019 Neigh......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 11, 2019 Is that your mane joke? Mike. 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 11, 2019 Quit horsing around there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 11, 2019 Rein them in please or we'll be saddled with horse puns. 1 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 11, 2019 To paraphrase N. Royde-Smith, my entire knowledge of matters equine is limited to two pieces of information, neither of which is suitable for repetition in the present polite company... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 11, 2019 5 minutes ago, Compound2632 said: To paraphrase N. Royde-Smith, my entire knowledge of matters equine is limited to two pieces of information, neither of which is suitable for repetition in the present polite company... ??? 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post luckymucklebackit Posted September 11, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted September 11, 2019 Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?.... 2 1 30 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Ladies and Gentlemen - let me share the ULTIMATE groan inducing joke... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Well I did warn you 1 2 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted September 11, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 11, 2019 1 hour ago, luckymucklebackit said: Ladies and Gentlemen - let me share the ULTIMATE groan inducing joke... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Well I did warn you Absolutely bl00dy brilliant, just had a shower as I had to change me undies!!! Mike 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam88 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 9 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: Ladies and Gentlemen - let me share the ULTIMATE groan inducing joke... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Well I did warn you My word? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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