Popular Post F-UnitMad Posted September 30, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted September 30, 2019 Ah yes, the famous "Bring your Child to Work" photo.... 3 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 30, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 30, 2019 BREAKING NEWS... Theres been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say that Rocky was seen just After Eight in Maryland with a Ginger Nut known to the police as Rich T. They didn't leave a crumb of evidence so the Jammy Dodger got away with it. 5 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 ^^^^ Grrrrrroooooaaaaaannnn 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 23 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: BREAKING NEWS... Theres been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say that Rocky was seen just After Eight in Maryland with a Ginger Nut known to the police as Rich T. They didn't leave a crumb of evidence so the Jammy Dodger got away with it. Pedant mode. It's Blue Riband as in the sailing prize and gin.... Jason 2 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 How to fall downstairs: Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 6: Wall Step 12: 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I had two strange things happen to me today, firstly I found a hat with some money in it, result! A bit later I got chased by an angry man with a guitar, weird! 2 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 bRIT15 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Be careful if you like smirking. They've already banned smoking and smacking. One of Milton Jones's, I was reminded of it due to the news that Scotland have banned smacking. Jason Edited October 3, 2019 by Steamport Southport 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted October 3, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 3, 2019 On 02/10/2019 at 20:42, peanuts said: How to fall downstairs: Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 6: Wall Step 12: Miss a step son? No, I hit every $%^%£ one! Andi 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 7 7 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 4, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 4, 2019 A warning for dyslexics, on 26/27 October your cocks go black. 1 1 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Nick C Posted October 5, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 5, 2019 If you ever worry that your job is pointless, just remember - in Germany, there's a bloke who fits indicators to BMW cars... 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 5, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 5, 2019 4 minutes ago, Nick C said: If you ever worry that your job is pointless, just remember - in Germany, there's a bloke who fits indicators to BMW cars... But only on the right hand drive ones. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted October 5, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 5, 2019 31 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: But only on the right hand drive ones. Nope! Just look at all the European dashcam footage - plenty of BMWs not indicating there either! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 13 minutes ago, Welly said: Nope! Just look at all the European dashcam footage - plenty of BMWs not indicating there either! They certainly indicated, in Berlin..... BUT!!..... it really DIDN'T do to ignore them!! Julian 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahame Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Here's an oldie test to try your hand at: 1 3 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post raymw Posted October 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted October 6, 2019 Can you buy half a lettuce? A man in Newcastle walked into the Produce department of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.? The young man working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation,?? we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?" 4 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 23 hours ago, grahame said: Here's an oldie test to try your hand at: Thought this one was going to be along the lines of this..... Follow Directions 1. Read everything carefully before doing anything. 2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this page. 3. Circle the word NAME in sentence two. 4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner. 5. Put an “X” in each square. 6. Put a circle around each square. 7. Sign your name under the title of this paper. 8. After the title write, “yes, yes, yes.” 9. Put a circle completely around sentence number seven. 10. Put an “X” in the lower left corner of this paper. 11. Draw a triangle around the “X” you just put down. 12. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66. 14. Draw a rectangle around the word “corner” in sentence four. 15. Loudly call out your first name when you get this far along. 16. If you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out, “I have.” 17. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9305. 18. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. 19. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil point. 20. If you are the first person to reach this point, LOUDLY, call out, I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO REACH THIS POINT, AND I AM THE LEADER IN FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.” 21. Underline all even numbers on the left side of this paper. 22. Loudly call out, “I AM NEARLY FINISHED. I HAVE FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS.” 23. Now that you have finished reading everything, do only directions 1 and 2! (Keep busy so that the other idiots that failed to read everything as instructed will continue to plough through the banal tasks without disturbance from you. Do not make any sign to give a clue to your having completed the assigned task.) Jim 6 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
34theletterbetweenB&D Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 On 06/10/2019 at 11:10, grahame said: Here's an oldie test to try your hand at: Just how bored was the office dweller who wrote this? What a spur to creativity idleness can be. In my first 'career' position I found a spurious contract of employment lying on my desk when I returned from the induction and site tour. The memorable part: Your employment is on the basis of physical conformance to what was presented at your initial medical examination. Should you intend having any part of your body removed, please seek permission in advance from Personnel by submission of form BC1901/h and awaiting approval before proceeding. Salary adjustment proportionate to the loss will be determined on scale MP1936/h. 2 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 3 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: Thought this one was going to be along the lines of this..... Follow Directions 1. Read everything carefully before doing anything. 2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this page. 3. Circle the word NAME in sentence two. 4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner. 5. Put an “X” in each square. 6. Put a circle around each square. 7. Sign your name under the title of this paper. 8. After the title write, “yes, yes, yes.” 9. Put a circle completely around sentence number seven. 10. Put an “X” in the lower left corner of this paper. 11. Draw a triangle around the “X” you just put down. 12. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66. 14. Draw a rectangle around the word “corner” in sentence four. 15. Loudly call out your first name when you get this far along. 16. If you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out, “I have.” 17. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9305. 18. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. 19. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil point. 20. If you are the first person to reach this point, LOUDLY, call out, I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO REACH THIS POINT, AND I AM THE LEADER IN FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.” 21. Underline all even numbers on the left side of this paper. 22. Loudly call out, “I AM NEARLY FINISHED. I HAVE FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS.” 23. Now that you have finished reading everything, do only directions 1 and 2! (Keep busy so that the other idiots that failed to read everything as instructed will continue to plough through the banal tasks without disturbance from you. Do not make any sign to give a clue to your having completed the assigned task.) Jim Did that to a class of GCSE kids, once, just to prove a point about reading the question first. Suffice it to say, the uproar was spectacularly, noticable in other classrooms around mine!! I have no idea if it had the desired effect..... Regares Julian 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 7, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 7, 2019 4 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: Thought this one was going to be along the lines of this..... Follow Directions 1. Read everything carefully before doing anything. 2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this page. 3. Circle the word NAME in sentence two. 4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner. 5. Put an “X” in each square. 6. Put a circle around each square. 7. Sign your name under the title of this paper. 8. After the title write, “yes, yes, yes.” 9. Put a circle completely around sentence number seven. 10. Put an “X” in the lower left corner of this paper. 11. Draw a triangle around the “X” you just put down. 12. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66. 14. Draw a rectangle around the word “corner” in sentence four. 15. Loudly call out your first name when you get this far along. 16. If you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out, “I have.” 17. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9305. 18. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. 19. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil point. 20. If you are the first person to reach this point, LOUDLY, call out, I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO REACH THIS POINT, AND I AM THE LEADER IN FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.” 21. Underline all even numbers on the left side of this paper. 22. Loudly call out, “I AM NEARLY FINISHED. I HAVE FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS.” 23. Now that you have finished reading everything, do only directions 1 and 2! (Keep busy so that the other idiots that failed to read everything as instructed will continue to plough through the banal tasks without disturbance from you. Do not make any sign to give a clue to your having completed the assigned task.) Jim If #23 says only do #1 and #2, how can you do #23? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 4 minutes ago, kevinlms said: If #23 says only do #1 and #2, how can you do #23? #1 says read everything, so you read #23 which then tells you to do #1 (read everything) and #2 Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this page. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted October 7, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 7, 2019 20 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said: #1 says read everything, so you read #23 which then tells you to do #1 (read everything) and #2 Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this page. Simples! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post D-A-T Posted October 7, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted October 7, 2019 At Heaven's Gate,... Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met St Peter to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. St Peter said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." St Peter asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they are the most perfect breasts God ever created." St Peter thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. St Peter immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said St Peter, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are." 1 25 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Why do Scuba Divers roll backward off the boat to enter the water? If they rolled forward they would stil lbe on the boat! 1 1 11 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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