Allegheny1600 Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" Father; "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!" 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geevor Clayton Loco Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 What do you say to a smelly nun? Time to get out of that habit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 24, 2020 Don't you mean time to get out of that dirty habit? Mike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 24, 2020 Dirty habits are for getting in to not out of. I’ve reached the age where I regret not getting into more. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 1 hour ago, The Johnster said: Dirty habits are for getting in to not out of. I’ve reached the age where I regret not getting into more. Why does Steptoe & Son come to mind...?? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 24, 2020 The only way for an extended family to celebrate Christmas this year will be to kill the turkey and have 30 mourners at the funeral on 25th December! 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Chris116 said: The only way for an extended family to celebrate Christmas this year will be to kill the turkey and have 30 mourners at the funeral on 25th December! Brilliant! Is the turkey going to be cremated or interred? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 24, 2020 1 hour ago, PhilJ W said: Brilliant! Is the turkey going to be cremated or interred? If a friend's brother cooks it, the correct term would be incinerated! 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 This is true... I have a grumbly prostate. It's not life-threatening but I do need to get checked out at the doctor's once in a while. (How many of you who can remember steam on British Rail know exactly what I'm talking about?) The check out involves a rubber glove and a finger inserted into an orifice which isn't normally used for that purpose (unless you went to an all-boys' boarding school). So, I got my letter notifying me of my check up and telling me the name of the doctor I'd be seeing. I didn't recognise the name so I assumed it was a new doctor. When I got to the practice and was called into the consulting room I suddenly faced my worst nightmare. The doctor was - Female Young Gorgeous She pulled the rubber glove on and said "Ok, please lie on the couch, take down your trousers and pants, face the wall and relax " I said "Three of those are easy. " 14 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Chris116 said: The only way for an extended family to celebrate Christmas this year will be to kill the turkey and have 30 mourners at the funeral on 25th December! Or have a game bird instead, and your 30 guests bring their shotguns. Andi 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted September 24, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 24, 2020 Just now, Dagworth said: Or have a game bird instead, and your 30 guests bring their shotguns. Andi If they are all good shots there would be too many holes in the bird to make it worth eating! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 Shot my first turkey today. The staff in Iceland weren't happy. 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Chris116 said: The only way for an extended family to celebrate Christmas this year will be to kill the turkey and have 30 mourners at the funeral on 25th December! I was under the impression that the turkey is usually dead anyway, at Christmas?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
simontaylor484 Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said: I was under the impression that the turkey is usually dead anyway, at Christmas?? Most funerals i have been to have involved the pre dead. I have been to one where one of the congregation passed away during the service. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sol Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 8 hours ago, CameronL said: This is true... I have a grumbly prostate. It's not life-threatening but I do need to get checked out at the doctor's once in a while. (How many of you who can remember steam on British Rail know exactly what I'm talking about?) The check out involves a rubber glove and a finger inserted into an orifice which isn't normally used for that purpose (unless you went to an all-boys' boarding school). So, I got my letter notifying me of my check up and telling me the name of the doctor I'd be seeing. I didn't recognise the name so I assumed it was a new doctor. When I got to the practice and was called into the consulting room I suddenly faced my worst nightmare. The doctor was - Female Young Gorgeous She pulled the rubber glove on and said "Ok, please lie on the couch, take down your trousers and pants, face the wall and relax " I said "Three of those are easy. " Reminds me of the bloke who went to the doctor for the same thing. The male doctor said - "this procedure is likely to result in an erection." The bloke said -"don't think this will give me an erection." The doctor said -" me not you. " 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 11 hours ago, simontaylor484 said: Most funerals i have been to have involved the pre dead. I have been to one where one of the congregation passed away during the service. Saves time I guess. steve 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 (edited) Fustercluck Edited September 25, 2020 by AndrewC 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium iands Posted September 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 25, 2020 Eh? 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted September 25, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 25, 2020 43 minutes ago, iands said: Eh? Officer Crabtree aka @AndrewC has been on the beers a bit early... 2 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 25, 2020 48 minutes ago, iands said: Eh? 4 minutes ago, Stubby47 said: Officer Crabtree aka @AndrewC has been on the beers a bit early... I think he intended to post on Early Risers. 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted September 25, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 25, 2020 Which probably explains this: 1 hour ago, AndrewC said: Yesterday's missive including birthday messages went poof somewhere into the cosmos. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 1 hour ago, iands said: Eh? 28 minutes ago, Stubby47 said: Officer Crabtree aka @AndrewC has been on the beers a bit early... Yeah, I was waiting for a punchline, too.... 24 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: I think he intended to post on Early Risers. That'd explain it. Not a Thread I've ever visited - in my career as an HGV driver I saw more than enough of Silly O'clock in the morning from either day or night shifts to want to talk about it on a model railway Forum. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnarcher Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 On 22/09/2020 at 16:07, The Johnster said: If Bill Stickers is innocent, he will proven so by a jury of his peers, but he will be prosecuted nonetheless if the prosecution service think they can get a conviction against him. I think I first heard this one when I was in primary school, the late 50s; it's good to give the old ones an airing now and then... When a ship is in trouble, why do they always call for that Mandy woman, you know, Mandy Lifeboats. What are occasional tables the rest of the time, are they part time traffic signals? We were looking at a house to buy, the agent pointed out the kitchen had a stable door. That was good I thought, you wouldn't want an unstable one. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted September 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 25, 2020 25 minutes ago, johnarcher said: We were looking at a house to buy, the agent pointed out the kitchen had a stable door. That was good I thought, you wouldn't want an unstable one. I'm confused by the proverb about bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted. Surely the horse must have unbolted the door? 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now