The Forum Jokes Thread

[Vistisen]

4 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Maybe it's a kind of Darwin Award, for the squirrel that tried stashing its nuts in the most stupid place.

Where as these squirrels are probably more intelligent than me 

 

[chris p bacon]

If a grey squirrel is caught in the UK it cannot be released and has to be destroyed.

[The Johnster]

Millions of them in urban parks die horribly of cancer after becoming addicted to cigarrette butts, which could be construed  both as humanity's fault and tree-rat stupidity...

Edited February 6, 2023 by The Johnster

[2750Papyrus]

When I was young, I was told a bounty of 2/6 was payable for each squirrel tail submitted.  And the local squirrels (Highgate Woods) were red.

Edited February 6, 2023 by 2750Papyrus
spelling error

[newbryford]

Don't search youtube for "squirrel launcher"..........

[Dagworth]

[J. S. Bach]

Two elderly Gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

[Hroth]

7 hours ago, Dagworth said:

 

I see that bigger vehicles have attempted to "deliver" that bridge too...

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, Hroth said:

 

I see that bigger vehicles have attempted to "deliver" that bridge too...

One of them will be successful, if enough keep trying!

[CameronL]

10 hours ago, J. S. Bach said:

Two elderly Gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Two hard-of-hearing elderly Gentlemen were sitting on a bench and one said to the other :

 "It's windy today."

"No, it's not," his friend replied. "It's Thursday."

"So am I," the first one said. "Let's go for a drink."

[Al51]

I was scraping the ice off of my car windscreen this morning and one of the neighbours was out as well, I think he must be new because I've not met him before, pale, thin fella, in a hoodie, but long, kind of like a cloak and his scraper was really weird, it had a long wooden handle and this fantastic curved blade that came out at a right angle from the top, bit like a scythe.  

Now I stop to think about it... I may have been de-icing with Death

[PhilJ W]

Where is that GROAN! button?

[BoD]

On 07/02/2023 at 10:27, Al51 said:

I was scraping the ice off of my car windscreen this morning and one of the neighbours was out as well, I think he must be new because I've not met him before, pale, thin fella, in a hoodie, but long, kind of like a cloak and his scraper was really weird, it had a long wooden handle and this fantastic curved blade that came out at a right angle from the top, bit like a scythe.  

Now I stop to think about it... I may have been de-icing with Death

 

Just as well you weren't hoovering then - you might have been Dyson with death.

[KeithMacdonald]

On 06/02/2023 at 23:44, J. S. Bach said:

Two elderly Gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

 

It's nice out today.

 

The other one says:

Is this the start of a Morecombe and Wise joke?

[Tim123]

[KeithMacdonald]

[Hroth]

10 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

It's nice out today.

 

The other one says:

Is this the start of a Morecombe and Wise joke?

 

Its even older than that...

[CameronL]

A Scottish Joke …

 

There wiz a mon walkin’ through a coo field. Noo, there wiz a wee burn flowin’ through the field, and he sees anither mon bendin’ doon an’ swallyin’ the watter wi’ one hond.

 

So he sez tae him “’Scuse me, pal. See thon watter. Dinnae swally thon watter. It’s fu’ o’ coo poo.”

 

Well, the mon stonds up and sez tae him: “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand a word of that. Could you possibly speak English?”

 

And the mon sez: “Swally with baith yur honds. Ye’ll get mair doon ye that way.”

 

And the translation …

 

There was a man walking through a cow field. There was a small stream flowing through the field, and he saw another man bending down and drinking the water with one hand.

 

So he said to the man: “Excuse me, friend. Don’t drink the water. It’s full of cow excrement.”

 

The man stood up and said to him: “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand a word of that. Could you possibly speak English?”

 

And the man said “Drink with both hands. You’ll get more down you that way."

[Bernard Lamb]

[luckymucklebackit]

My mate has quit his job at BMW.

 

Naturally he gave no indication he was leaving.

 

 

[Colin_McLeod]

[F-UnitMad]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

Unidentified flying object spotted over Ukraine.

[NIK]

After the Brits awards Sam Smith over inflated his balloon suit and was shot down over North America.