The Forum Jokes Thread

[Clearwater]

3 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Careful now. You all know what his crazy fans are like. 

 

Funnily enough not even the most famous Canadian called Justin who has done daft racist things anymore.  

 

 

 

 

Jason

which is why Donald Trump was wrong to describe him as two faced....

[Sidecar Racer]

 

A chap took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers

taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks''?  he replied .

[luckymucklebackit]

Two 70 year old men, Billy and Pete, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Pete is dying Billy visits him every day.

One day Billy says, "Pete, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Pete looks up at Billy from his death bed "Billy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Pete sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Billy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him

"Billy......Billy"

"Who is it?” asks Billy sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Billy - It's me, Pete."

"You're not Pete... Pete just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me...... Pete," insists the voice.

"Pete! Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven" replies Pete "and I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Billy.

"The good news," Pete says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic." says Billy. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?”

"You're in the team for this Saturday!”

[Colin_McLeod]

[Sidecar Racer]

 

A millennial received a lovely postcard from his parents, who were on holiday in Greece:

"Dear Son,

"Dad and I are standing on top of a high cliff on Mount Taygete, where Spartan women used to throw their defective children onto the rocks below.

"Wish you were here."

 

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[BR60103]

[lankyphil]

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

 

 

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

 

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

 

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Colin_McLeod]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast
on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
“Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
….It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you,
take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent
over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
(quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that
Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[Sidecar Racer]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I

gave him an entire box of laxatives."

"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."

"Of course you can" the assistant replied,

 

"Look at him......he daren't cough now!!"

[Compound2632]

5 hours ago, jf2682 said:

strapping a slice of buttered toast onto the back of a cat 

 

That is the flaw in the proposal.

 

For much the same reason, Schroedinger's cat remains a thought experiment.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Compound2632

[newbryford]

 

[Gibbo675]

20 minutes ago, newbryford said:

 

Hi There,

 

That makes the Improbability Drive and Bistromathics look plausible !

 

Gibbo.

[Compound2632]

5 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

That makes the Improbability Drive and Bistromathics look plausible !

 

 

Both avoid the issues of cruelty to cats and waste of perfectly good jam - although only probably, in the former case.

[Gibbo675]

27 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Both avoid the issues of cruelty to cats and waste of perfectly good jam - although only probably, in the former case.

Quite, although I think that jam may possibly be referred to as "compote" in a Bistro.

[4109]

On 26/11/2019 at 00:28, Steamport Southport said:

 

Look for the New Zealand decking adverts. I won't link them in case anyone gets offended...

 

 

But the title is All Three New Zealand Deck Ads (HD Quality)

 

 

Jason

OMG watched those videos and choked on my beer....unbelievably funny

[The Johnster]

7 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

That is the flaw in the proposal.

 

For much the same reason, Schroedinger's cat remains a thought experiment.

No, it simultaneously remains and does not remain a thought experiment...

[The Johnster]

7 hours ago, newbryford said:

 

Makes complete sense to me.  Which is why you should never put me in charge of any transportation system...

[Titan]

7 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Both avoid the issues of cruelty to cats and waste of perfectly good jam - although only probably, in the former case.

 

Trouble is in the former case you may end up wasting a cup of tea...

[jcredfer]

Rather like the thought that once someone can crack how to split nothing into matter and anti-matter, it would be simple to produce any number of Universes.....   

 

.....  I wonder who it was that managed that???

 

Regards

Julian

 

[Compound2632]

4 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

Rather like the thought that once someone can crack how to split nothing into matter and anti-matter

 

 

That's not how it works. Energy is always required to create the mass of the particles. Pairs of particles and their antiparticles, for example electrons and positrons, are produced all the time from sufficiently high-energy photons in the presence of another particle such as the nucleus of an atom. This last is required to satisfy conservation of momentum but the key point is that the law of conservation of energy is satisfied: the energy of the photon (which has no mass) is transferred to the mass of the particles, with some left over as kinetic energy of the particle-antiparticle pair and the bystander nucleus. This is what Einstein's famous E = mc2 is all about.

 

Apologies for the OT (i.e. non-humorous) post.

[jcredfer]

47 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

That's not how it works. Energy is always required to create the mass of the particles. Pairs of particles and their antiparticles, for example electrons and positrons, are produced all the time from sufficiently high-energy photons in the presence of another particle such as the nucleus of an atom. This last is required to satisfy conservation of momentum but the key point is that the law of conservation of energy is satisfied: the energy of the photon (which has no mass) is transferred to the mass of the particles, with some left over as kinetic energy of the particle-antiparticle pair and the bystander nucleus. This is what Einstein's famous E = mc2 is all about.

 

Apologies for the OT (i.e. non-humorous) post.

Indeed and I should have added a "Smile" emoticon, but there I go, yet another omission.  Shame really, just imagine the fun that could be had.....

 

Regards

J

 

[Nick C]

On 12/12/2019 at 17:38, Compound2632 said:

 

That is the flaw in the proposal.

 

For much the same reason, Schroedinger's cat remains a thought experiment.

Surely you could avoid being shredded by leaving the cat out of it and simply buttering both sides of the toast? Or gluing two slices of toast together buttered sides out?

 

What happens if you butter the edges of the toast too?

[Gibbo675]

5 minutes ago, Nick C said:

Surely you could avoid being shredded by leaving the cat out of it and simply buttering both sides of the toast? Or gluing two slices of toast together buttered sides out?

 

What happens if you butter the edges of the toast too?

Hi Nick,

 

I suspect that should you butter both sides of the toast then you will only achieve an equilibrium situation and there will be no net motive force as a result.

 

Are we taking this too seriously ?

 

Gibbo.

 

[NorthBrit]

Tie the toast to the cat's feet.   Job done!