The Forum Jokes Thread

[The Johnster]

The name of the nation, as a political construct, is 'The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland'.  The name of the largest of the British Isles is Great Britain, and the name of the second largest is Ireland.  Northern Ireland is a part of the island of Ireland that is governed by the UK, as opposed to the Republic of Ireland, Eire, which is a separate nation with it's own government.  Straightforward enough, but after that it degenerates into a proper minefield and it's probably best not to dwell too closely on the historical reasons for this as you don't want your head to explode...

 

Islands very close to the coast of France are included in the UK description, though not as part of the British Isles, despite being British.  Heligoland, within sight of the German North Sea coast, was once British as well, but could hardly be described as part of the British Isles.  Islands such as the Faroes are, arguably, geophysically part of the British archipelago, but are Danish, and Rockall is disputed.  Wales considers itself a separate nation but has never in it's history been a unified political entity except under English overrule, and historically was not united fully with England until the reign of Henry Tudor, Henry VII, who was Welsh.  After the Act of Union, Wales could effectively be considered a part of England, with it's people having the same rights and obligations as the English.  

 

So, Wales' status as a nation is actually an invention of the English, but attempting to point out this undeniable fact will get you thrown out of most pubs in the Principality for your own safety.  Queen Elizabeth I used the 13th century journeys of Madog, a Welsh prince from Gwynedd whose antecedents included both Welsh and Viking Irish royalty including Lief Ericsson's daughter  the first ethnically European person born on American soil, to assert an English claim to the American continent.  Madog had sailed to the New World, returned, and then mounted a second expedition of 5 shiploads of settlers who were never heard from again, avoiding English oppression being the intention.  Elizabeth, perhaps aware of her Tudor heritage, took the trouble to learn some Welsh, and some Irish/Scottish Gaelic.  

 

Similarly, it is difficult to assert that there was a fully developed nation on the island of Ireland prior to English overlordship, but there was at least a 'High KIng' presiding over what was effectively a council of small nations' representatives.  The island of Britain had a similar set up in pre-Roman times with a body referred to, in some written sources (e.g, Mabinogion) referencing this late Iron Age period, as the 'Council of the Isles'.

 

Ireland's international rugby team is drawn from the entire island of Ireland with no distinction being made for UK or Irish citizenship.  England, Scotland, and Wales however have their own international teams.  The ROI anthem is played at matches, and God Save The Queen, the third verse of which is virulently anti-Scots, is only played at games in which England are playing; there is no officially recognised specifically English national anthem.  Wales is not represented in any form on the Union Flag, and neither is Ulster; the Union Flag was devised to represent the Union of England and Scotland in 1605.

 

Like I said, minefield!

 

 

[Steamport Southport]

An Englishman and an Irishman decide to open a pub during the Gold Rush. After three weeks not one customer has turned up.

 

Charles says "Let's open a brothel that will bring them in"

 

Mick replies "If they aren't drinking beer, then I can't see them drinking broth!"

[Ian J.]

9 hours ago, The Johnster said:

...Wales is not represented in any form on the Union Flag, and neither is Ulster; the Union Flag was devised to represent the Union of England and Scotland in 1605...

 

It's my (perhaps errant) understanding that the diagonal red cross in the Union Jack represents Ireland in some way, and therefore Ulster would come under that?

[Osgood]

The competition one might have appeared before in the thread.

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Osgood

[jcm@gwr]

My wife kept telling me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

 

I just paid £14 for Oxo cubes.

The stock market's gone crazy.

[billbedford]

10 hours ago, The Johnster said:

Wales is not represented in any form on the Union Flag, and neither is Ulster; the Union Flag was devised to represent the Union of England and Scotland in 1605.

 

The original 1606 Union Flag consisted of the cross of St George overlaid on the saltire of St Andrew, The saltire of St Patrick was added in 1801 when Ireland became part of the Union of Great Britain. 

[Damo666]

11 hours ago, The Johnster said:

The name of the nation, as a political construct, is 'The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland'.  The name of the largest of the British Isles is Great Britain, and the name of the second largest is Ireland.

 

See, it's all a matter of perspective.

 

Growing up in Ireland we were taught in school that it was called the Irish Isles, with the eastern island being called Great Britain and the western isle defending the Atlantic being Ireland

[Bernard Lamb]

My family in "Embra" refer to the land to the south as "Englandshire".

Bernard 

[Colin_McLeod]

2 hours ago, Ian J. said:

 

It's my (perhaps errant) understanding that the diagonal red cross in the Union Jack represents Ireland in some way, and therefore Ulster would come under that?

 

You are correct. It is the flag of St. Patrick

 

 

[Steamport Southport]

They say the grass is greener in Ireland. That's because they are all over here walking on ours!

 

 

 

 

Jason

[RJS1977]

13 hours ago, The Johnster said:

 

Islands very close to the coast of France are included in the UK description, though not as part of the British Isles, despite being British.  

 

 

 

Wrong way round - the Channel Islands (and Isle of Man) are part of the British Isles, but not part of the UK, being 'Peculiars of the Crown'.

 

The Channel Islands are all that now remains allied to the British throne of the lands of William, Duke of Normandy (1066 and all that).

[The Johnster]

I remember being told in Ireland that the Welsh were really Irishmen that couldn't swim.  This is of course nonsense; the Irish were the Welsh who could swim...

 

 

[APOLLO]

Well there's us Lancastrians, then the rest of the English (including Yorkshire), 

 

Then there are us Wiganers then the rest of the Lancastrians (including Greater Manchester  & the Scousers !!), 

 

Then there are us Poolstockers then the rest of the Wiganers

 

Then there are us Main Road Poolstockers then those that live in the streets behind (all gone now alas)

 

Then there are us ------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Brit 15

[Two_sugars]

GENTLEMEN . . .This Is Supposed To Be The JOKE THREAD ?

[KeithMacdonald]

1 minute ago, Two_sugars said:

GENTLEMEN . . .This Is Supposed To Be The JOKE THREAD ?

 

They laughed when we said we should have a Joke Thread; they're not laughing now.

 

[Two_sugars]

Too FAPHING TRUE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[Steamport Southport]

Tell us a joke then....

 

 

 

 

Jason

[APOLLO]

8 minutes ago, Two_sugars said:

GENTLEMEN . . .This Is Supposed To Be The JOKE THREAD ?

 

But isn't the whole of the UK a joke !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Brit15

[Two_sugars]

1 minute ago, APOLLO said:

 

But isn't the whole of the UK a joke !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Brit15

Too True . . . .But it's edging on POLLY TICKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[leopardml2341]

And sexual innuendo

Edited December 26, 2019 by leopardml2341

[leopardml2341]

Warning......

 

Potential joke posting imminent.

 

 

[leopardml2341]

[Steamport Southport]

You asked for it....

 

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 

 

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 

 

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

 

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

 

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

 

 

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

 

 

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

 

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

 

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

 

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

 

 

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

 

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

 

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

 

 

 

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound...…….

 

 

 

 

 

[Chris116]

You can't tell us because we are not monks! 

[Steamport Southport]

That's the shorter version as well. 

 

 

 

 

Jason